Untangling a Memory

The letter

When Natasha woke up in the morning, something immediately felt off. It was like an itch she couldn't scratch, a pinprick she couldn't find. There was a lump that laid heavy in her stomach.

Natasha looked around the room, but Steve wasn't there. She checked her watch and it was late, almost 10:00am, but there were no signs of anyone. Even closing her eyes and listening closely to her surroundings, she heard nothing. Her skin began to crawl as anxiety settled in.

Natasha scanned the room more closely and finally a white square caught her eye. A note was taped just above the door knob to the room, placed where she would clearly find it. Her stomach began to settle as she realized that it was likely from Steve letting her know where they were, probably off on a run or otherwise occupied. He was good like that, not wanting to wake her as she slept in.

Natasha stood from the bed and walked to the door, only to find it wasn't a note, but a small, white envelope with a simple handwritten "N" on the front. She immediately knew who it was from and held it in her hand for a minute or more, her eyes lingering on the front as she ran her fingers around the edges and across the marking.

She wasn't sure she was ready to read what was inside, still fragile after their conversation the day prior. Part of her still felt guilty, wishing she could have given Bucky better answers, ones that might not have stung the way they did. However, Natasha was struggling to mend the two pieces of herself- the side that wanted to lean into her feelings for him, the part that longed to be held by him and ached when she caused him pain; and the side that couldn't help, but dissect everything she knew, trying to figure out what was real and what was only in her head.

Finally, she flipped the envelope over and delicately ran her finger through the seal, removing the folded note inside:

"I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun." P&P

Natasha-

It's time for this tin man to find his heart.

I know this will be hard to understand.

Please try to believe me when I say that I needed to do this.

I'm not leaving. I'm still here.

I will always be here. For you.

Your James Buchanan Barnes

Natasha read the letter and then pressed it to her chest. Her eyes watered as she tried to take in Bucky's heartfelt missive. She pulled it away, rereading his words. Once, twice, a third time... before folding it harshly and throwing it to ground.

"THAT LITTLE SHIT!"

Natasha rammed the door to Steve's room open and ran down the hall. Steve and Sam, who were standing in their sweaty workout clothes in the kitchen, grabbing waters after having returned from a long run, watched as a frenzied Natasha tore through the common room, barefoot and still in her pajamas on her way to the elevator, mumbling disjointed angry swears as she sprinted. Once the elevator doors had closed with her inside, Steve and Sam starred at each other in silent confusion.