Building the Tension | ✔ | 18+

Chapter 4a - Alone At Last

Author's Notes:

I'm only dividing chapter 4 into two parts.  The next one will be the mature content section.

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"Why don't you let me be the judge of what I need, Dimitri? Because right now, all I need is you."

Dimitri gripped my upper arms and looked into my eyes. It was clear that he was searching my face for something, but I couldn't tell what. Everything in me wanted nothing more than for him to just kiss me at that moment. Until that moment, I hadn't truly considered the downright carnal possibilities that existed by us being alone together in his apartment, despite the fact that he was standing in front of me practically naked in that towel. My fingers itched to remove the towel and I desperately wanted him to remove my clothes, too.

He continued looking at me and I saw the warmth go out of his eyes. "There's a difference between a need and a want," he said, "You're just learning what you truly need out of life. I can't be the one to provide you with those things. No matter, what happened tonight in the caves can't happen again. You almost died tonight, Roza. If I hadn't been there, who says you wouldn't have?" Dimitri let go of my arms and turned away. "It was foolish and reckless. If Vasilisa had been there, she would've died while I was saving you."

Hearing Dimitri mention Lissa was like a slap to the face. I couldn't let her down. I couldn't let her die. Still, I was haunted by his statement from early October, echoing in my mind: "If I let myself love you, I won't throw myself in front of her. I'll throw myself in front of you."

He just admitted he would have saved me instead of her.

Dimitri loved me!

I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. I took hold of Dimitri's arm and turned him back towards me. I put my hand on the side of his face. "You love me," I said. It wasn't a question, but there was a question in my eyes.

"Yes," he replied, sagging under the weight of his confession, "but I can't."

"Why not?" I asked.

"This life, Roza. Look at it. Even look around this apartment, for God's sake! Really look! There's no room for it," Dimitri said. I let my eyes wander the all-too-spartan room for a moment. There was a twin bed, a wooden desk with one chair, a small kitchenette with a coffee maker and microwave, and a small dresser - all of which came with the room and would've been less than a typical hotel provided. Other than the essential furniture that came with the room, a small bookcase with an assortment of western paperbacks and a few movies, and a tiny television sitting atop the dresser, the room was bare.

He continued, crestfallen, "We can't have a relationship. We can't love - not really. If we were to give in and be together now, what would it mean for your career if we were found out? Do you think you'd still be able to be a guardian? Do you think you'd be able to be Lissa's guardian? Do you think I would?"

"She'd be alone," I said, stunned.

"No, she wouldn't be alone," Dimitri replied, "She would have other guardians. But she wouldn't have you."

"And she wouldn't have you, either." The thought hit me for the first time, like a load of bricks. I sat back into the chair Dimitri had pulled out for me earlier. Dimitri crossed over and sat on the bed, a few feet away, careful to keep the towel covering himself. I turned my chair towards him.

"It doesn't change how I feel, you know?" I told him, looking up at his beautiful god-like face.

"I know," he said, "That's why I have to stay here when you leave."