Secret (The Outsiders)

It Makes Us Human

No, no, no. Soda couldn't be in love with me. He was still in love with Sandy even if she was living in Florida. There was no way he loved someone like me. Movie star handsome Soda falling for a tough greaser girl like me? Those things only happen in movies and peoples dreams. Girls like me don't get the cute guys to look at them. I wasn't good enough for Sodapop. Soda could find someone much better than me. For goodness sake, he wanted to marry Sandy. How can he love her and be in love with me. Things just weren't adding up.

I shook my head at him and stood up. "Soda..." I said carefully. "Yeah, yeah. I know. You have Johnny and I have Sandy. I shouldn't even begin to think about being in love with another girl. I don't know, Lolita. Every time I see you sleeping on the couch, I think of how perfect you look. You give me butterflies and you make my heart race every time I see you."

Looking back on this, I kind of think I was acting a bit silly.

"You can't love me. I'm... I'm no good. Soda, I'm all broken up and I ran away from home when I was fourteen. I'm perfectly put together on the outside, but I'm like shattered glass on the inside. I'm not someone worth being with. Ten years down the road, I picture myself still living in this neighborhood. I don't even think I'll leave Tulsa. I won't ever get married. I can't settle down. I'm not worth it, Soda. You don't need to waste your time on someone like me."

Soda's eyes turned sad and hurt. "Lola, I see you becoming a doctor. I see you going to college. One day you will get married and you'll find yourself an amazing husband and you'll have yourself a beautiful family. I know I have Sandy, but she thinks the baby might not be mine. That means she cheated on me."

I sat back down next to Soda and took a deep breath. I turned to look at him. "You know, I really want to get back at her sometimes. It's wrong. It's so wrong to think about that, but she deserves it."  I shouldn't of even thought to agree with Soda, but I did. 

How this next thing happened, I still don't know.

I had Soda's face cupped in my hands and my lips were pressed against his. I was sitting in his lap and his hands were running through my hair. Not even for a second did I think it was wrong for me to be doing this for Johnny. Hell, I didn't even think about Johnny while Soda and I kissed in the darkness of the living room.

I pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor. "Soda. What about Ponyboy and Darry." Soda didn't respond. His lips trailed down my neck and along my collar bones. He pushed Johnny's jean jacket off my shoulders and it fell into the floor. 

We continued to kiss in the heat of the moment. Clothes were shed and more mistakes were made. Soda cheated on Sandy that night and I cheated on Johnny without a second though.

~

I stood up to pull my clothes back on. As I picked up Johnny's jean jacket, it all hit me. I had just slept with Soda. The jacket slipped from my fingertips as I started to cry. Soda, who was still pulling up his boxers, rushed to my side and held me tightly. "Hey, hey. It's gonna be alright. Johnny won't get mad. Johnny doesn't get mad." Soda tried to reassure me. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." I mumbled to myself.

"Lola, it's gonna be alright."

"No it fucking won't, Soda. I just cheated on the sweetest, best boyfriend in the world. I didn't even think for a second about what I was doing. I slept with you when I knew that I shouldn't of. The worst part is that I don't regret a second of what I just did." 

I fell back on the couch and pulled my knees to my chest. I couldn't stop it when the tears started to fall from my eyes. Soda finished putting his pants back on before he took a place next to me. He wiped away my tears and kissed my head. "Lolita, it's gonna be alright."

Looking up, I stared at Soda and quit my tears. "Soda, this never happened. Got it? We don't speak of this ever again. We never slept together or kissed or anything. Totally innocence between us, okay? No one can ever know we did this. I'm going to go be happy with Johnny and you're going to be happy with someone else. It's not going to be. At least not right now, okay?"

What? What did I just say? 'At least not right now'.

Even Soda had realized what I had said.

"Not right now?"

Shit. Why had I even said that? I thought marriage was stupid and relationships were stupid. I didn't see Johnny and I lasting and growing old together. My parents were always seperated and growing up with Dally gave me a different view on life.

"Yeah... Yeah. I don't know if Johnny and I are gonna last. I don't even think I'm getting married. I don't want to get married."

I chewed on my lip. "Soda, I mean what I just said. You can't tell a soul. Not even Steve. It's not a secret if someone else knows. I don't count."

"You've heard that saying right?" Soda said as he cocked an eyebrow. "What saying?" I turned my attention to him and he had a small smile on his lips. "'Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead'." When he saw the horrified look on my face, he shook his head. "Lola, Lola, Lola. It doesn't mean one of is going to die or whatever. We're going to be fine."

Oh how wrong he was.