Secret (The Outsiders)

This One's Going to Hurt

I couldn't focus. I never had cared about my school work, but I had always made good grades. Now I was falling behind and slipping between the cracks. All of it was because I couldn't get the face that I cheated on Johnny out of my head. At the same time, I hardly thought about Johnny and I romantically. All my thoughts of romance and happiness and marriage were suddenly focused on Soda. I had been like that ever since I slept with him that night. He was all I thought about. Even when I was with Johnny, I wasn't thinking about him. I couldn't fall for Soda. I just couldn't. He's my best friend and nothing more, but Soda thought of me in a different way. Maybe I was starting to think of him the same too.

"Lolita!" My teacher snapped. I woke up from the daydreaming and snapped my eyes to the board. "Can you tell me the answer to this?" I was hesitant, but I shook my head. "Out," she said. "I'm sorry?" I questioned, a bit confused by her command. She'd never kicked anyone out for not paying attention. "You heard me, Lolita. Get out of my classroom. I don't want to see your face around here for the rest of the day." I gathered my things and headed for the door. I heard footsteps behind me. I had forgotten Johnny and I shared that class period. His hand touched my shoulder and I turned to face him.

He offered to walk me home, but I objected. "I'll be fine by my lonesome. Go back to class, Johnny. Don't worry about me." Johnny had never been good at school. He'd flunked a few times. Sometimes I think he went just to get out of that house. "What's going on with you?" he asked. "You've been really distanced lately, and I'm not liking it." So he had noticed it. I didn't have a good excuse. I was always at the Curtis' since I still resided there. Johnny was too. When he arrived, I sometimes hid in another room. It was hard to face him after I slept with Soda. I couldn't keep it from him for much longer.

I took a deep breath. I had to reveal the news to him sooner or later, and now later seemed like the worst option. The fear of losing Johnny as my friend was starting to set in. I didn't want to tell him, but this secret was eating me alive. I couldn't hold it in any longer or I'd starting screaming until my lungs collapsed.

I tightly shut my eyes before finally speaking. "I slept with Soda last week," I admitted. My gaze had dropped to the floor out of fear of seeing his reaction. I expected him to say something, but no words came. I brought my gaze back up to meet his. "Why? What did I do wrong?" I only shook my head. He hadn't done anything wrong. I had. "Johnny, I'm not worth it. You deserve someone who isn't like this. We won't ever get married. I won't ever get married. You don't need me. Johnny, I can't keep dragging you down." He squinted his eyes. They were turning red as  he tried to fight back the tears. "Are you breaking up with me?" I nodded. I couldn't form any words. After that, I turned and ran from the school.

I headed for the DX. I needed my best friend. I needed to speak to someone. I spotted him heading out the door. "S-Soda," I mumbled. Somehow he heard my quiet call for him. "Lola, what's up?" He had that signature Sodapop smile as he approached me, but it wasn't long before he noticed something was wrong. "Lola, what's wrong?" I couldn't form words. I stood there with a lump in my that that I couldn't swallow. Tears were welling up in my eyes.  He wrapped his arm around me, and we sat down on the curb. I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one up.

"I told Johnny. I told him we slept together. I broke up with him. I-I couldn't keep it inside. It was eating me alive. I thought I was going to scream until I couldn't breath if I didn't tell him. Soda, I think I lost him as my friend too. I broke his trust. I slept with someone else, and that's something I never thought I would do." Soda kept his arm wrapped around me, and he kissed the side of my head. "I should've told you tell him before it got this bad. I shouldn't of let you hold it in so long," Soda said, his lips still pressed against my head.

I felt like an awful person. An awful friend. An awful girlfriend. Even if I hadn't slept with Johnny, I planned on breaking up with him sooner or later. Marriage wasn't in my future. I wasn't that kind of person. Commitment wasn't my thing and I learned that the hard way. There wasn't a point in carrying on a relationship if I never saw myself marrying him.

I flicked my ashes off the end and pressed the cigarette against my lips once again. I closed my eyes as I inhaled the smoke. "We'll work this out. It'll all be okay. Johnny doesn't hate you. He couldn't hate you. That's hard to do with someone like you. Look, I'm off and no one's home right now. Do you want to go finish that chocolate cake in the icebox? Darry can whip one up when he gets home." I finally managed a smile. "That sounds great.

Soda helped me up and wrapped his arm around me as we walked down the street. "Soda, wait. I want to talk to you first." He stopped and turned so he was facing me in the street. "I'm not a romance person and I never thought about Johnny and I romantically, but when it comes to you..." I could see Soda's eyes getting wide. "When it comes to you, I do. I know you've got Sandy in Florida, but this is part of what was eating me alive. I was keeping this from you. I know you're my best friend and you have been since day one. You told me you thought of me differently, and I think I do too. I just... I don't know how to express something like that."

Soda stepped closer to me. He pushed a piece of hair from my face, and pulled my cigarette away from my fingers. His right hand cupped my cheek and the other was resting gingerly on my hip. He leaned in and I could feel his breath on my lips. I stretched my neck up to meet his lips. The butterflies fluttered and I could've sworn I heard fireworks the moment his lips touched mine.