𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗟𝗲𝘁 𝗚𝗼 𝗢𝗳 𝗠𝘆 𝗛𝗮𝗻𝗱 🤍

•𝗕𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗞𝗲𝗽𝘁 𝗦𝗲𝗰𝗿𝗲𝘁•

•☁️•

Nikki's POV, February 1987

So, 2 months had passed since I gave birth to Tommy and I's daughter, it was now February so almost a year since I discovered I was pregnant in the first place.

Since River was born Tommy and I have purchased promise rings as a symbol of our engagement without drawing too much attention to it, I'd gone out and brought one for each of us when River was 5 days old before we actually tie the knot at some point either this year or next year.

We've have had little to no sleep for the entirety of that time due to being woken 2 or 3 times a night by River crying- we had finished the next Crüe album, so that's good, it's being released soon, then we go on tour later in the year.

The last couple of months have been eventful for everyone but I wasn't gonna lie... I wasn't okay... I mean, I thought I was fine, really I did but then for some reason recently I just felt depressed, I just felt empty.

It was fine for the first couple of weeks then I don't know what happened I just began hating myself, I began struggling with River, just being consistently tired then I began snapping at Tommy and arguing with him over the stupidest shit possible.

It was just suffocating me all the responsibility of a child, the album being released, the tour that's gonna follow and the heavy criticism I'm still receiving for even having River in the first place - I couldn't do it, I felt worthless and insecure about the way I looked, it's difficult to describe just how shitty I was feeling.

So, I may or may not have slipped into a dangerous love affair with drugs, actually no, it was just one drug... it was just heroin.

I'd been experimenting with it throughout late '85 and early '86 but obviously I got pregnant before it became an addiction because it had been heading in that direction, I just loved the feeling it gave me- made me numb to the world to being different so over the last month I'd gone back to it. Truthfully, I didn't intend to become addicted but within a matter of days I just couldn't go without it.

Honestly, how it happened was a complete accident, I was walking about a month and a half ago in and around town and I bumped into one of my old dealers we got talking and he took me to his apartment to catch up, he offered me a congratulations on River before offering me some smack for old times sake, at first I refused, not wanting to go back to where I was last year but he kept insisting and insisting.

I shouldn't have, I know that, but I was so stressed I just wanted it to stop, so I gave in.

Now, I swear, I swear it was only meant to be once... truly it was... but shooting up once turned into twice, then 3 times and before I knew it it was everyday.

I was risking everything, I knew that. Tommy, River, the band even my own fucking life but I had to get my head straight and not feel so depressed all the time. Heroin helps, it stops the feelings of self hatred and disgust which were weighing me down right now.

On average I was shooting up at the moment maybe 3 times a day, once in the morning, once in the afternoon, once at night.

Tommy didn't suspect anything, neither did any of the boys because when I wanted to keep something private I was very very good at it.