𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗟𝗲𝘁 𝗚𝗼 𝗢𝗳 𝗠𝘆 𝗛𝗮𝗻𝗱 🤍

•𝗖𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗻•

•☁️•

Nikki's POV, December 1987

We were out of rehab and had been for just over a week now. We'd spent that time adjusting to normal life.

A life without drugs.

It was strange- really strange, I had grown so used to waking up and shooting up that to be home and not to is just a strange thing but Tommy was always there in the morning when I got kinda lost at what to do and helped me forget about my old routine.

The only thing had which kept me going in rehab was the thought of being clean for Tommy and River, being a better father to River- the three of us being an actual family.

Seeing Tommy everyday aswell as Vince and Mick also kept my spirits relatively high, I must admit that being clean felt good and I now have no problem to say that without the drugs I wasn't basking in self hatred anymore- in retrospect the heroin did make it worse especially when River was taken from me, I was at my worst mentally at that point which was the worst point in my addiction.

It was difficult to adjust but I was glad that I was myself again, and for the first time since I'd given birth to River I actually got to feel the pure unrivalled joy of bonding with her because obviously I did when I was high but it wasn't my main priority but I wasn't admitting that to myself then.

Oh, and remember that song I was writing with Vince for Tommy? Well, I'd finally managed to finish it- I kinda put it on the back bench after having River, then addiction happened sooo... I kinda just left it until now, now I'm clean Tommy deserved the song for putting up with me. We completed it last week... like 4 days ago.. so it's still pretty new.

It wasn't the most elegant song I've ever written but it wasn't meant to be a hit, or even be released it was just something to tell him how much having him in my life means to me.

Vince did a great job on the vocals of the track, quite emotional. He'd kill me if I said this aloud but he actually cried when he read the lyrics and heard the backing track we'd put down on it.

All I needed to do was play Tom the song.

I might do it later but today is the 13th of December- it's River's first birthday... so both Tommy and I were a bit preoccupied trying to make today as special as we could for her.

I think it goes without mentioning that Vince and Mick will be coming over, Tommy's parents will also appear, my mom rang this morning, Tommy having taken the call and wished River a happy birthday- she knew because when I'd given birth it was kinda front page news, I appreciated my mom's call but I didn't trust her around me or my family especially now I'm clean, I can't risk a relapse.

Anyway let's not talk about that cunt she's not worth my time.

The past week I've been working tirelessly to make today as nice as possible in a effort to make up for my actions when on drugs to my child. She deserved so much better and hopefully now I can be the person she needs me to be. I'd actually spent my birthday the other day focusing on River- I think that's going to happen most years now seems as it's only 2 days after mine.

Tommy sat down on the sofa next to me getting as close as he physically could to my side while I stared blankly at River who was sitting at my feet playing with some toys "Whatcha thinking about?"