Saving Death

Chapter 6

Sam didn't appear with Blake and the others the following week. As I walked with Louisa out of college, Franco and Jules eyed me suspiciously, and I began to feel guilty for the way I'd spoken to Sam. He'd had a point. I had been upset that night and I'd not been myself—not that I knew myself anymore. I was sure I hadn't said anything about my amnesia that night, but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if I had said something. There were things I didn't know about Sam, but how could he possibly have known that I had no memory of how my mum died? I hadn't even told Dad. On top of that, Sam had tried to apologise after he realised he'd upset me, and I'd thrown it back in his face and said I didn't want to see him again. Well, that was a lie, I thought. He obviously had his own issues, but I wondered if I'd walked away from the only person that truly understood what I was going through.

As I hitched my bag onto my shoulder and wandered across the grassy common towards the library, Louisa glanced at me anxiously for what felt like the hundredth time today.

            "Come on, Ava. You're not fooling anyone. Something's happened between you and Sam. Blake hasn't seen him all week and you've been as miserable as sin." She stopped just short of the gates out of college and looked at me seriously.

            I shook my head. "Noth—"

            "—And don't even say nothing," she said, interrupting me.

            I stared at her for a moment, and her expression told me she wasn't going to let up. How was I going to explain to Louisa everything that had happened without telling her I couldn't remember how my mum died?

            "We had a fight," I said simply, shrugging.

            "A fight?"

            "Yes, it's where two people—"

            "—Don't be an arse. I know what a fight is, Ava Blume. Give me details," she said, crossing her arms in front of her.

            "About my mum.... I got upset and shouted at him," I said.

            "Why did you fight about your mum?" said Louisa, looping her arm through mine. "Come on, Blume...walk and talk. I'm cold."

            It was almost the weekend so there were only a handful of students still milling about in the late afternoon gloom outside the library and computer rooms.

            "Remember I told you I'd already met Sam and that he hated me?" I said.

            "Yes," said Louisa, "only he clearly doesn't hate you."

            "Well, yeah, you're right. He doesn't hate me, but..." I took a deep breath. Maybe I should just tell her. It might be good to tell someone. Miss Peter's words rang in my mind. Let it in, Ava. I stopped just short of the library entrance and looked at Louisa nervously. "Please don't think I'm mad. I'm really not," I said, swallowing hard, feeling the emotions rush upwards inside me.

            "Lewis Carroll said all the best people are mad," said Louisa, smiling patiently.

            "I'm serious, Lou," I said. "And I haven't told anyone. Not even my dad," I said, giving her an imploring look.

            "Okay," she said, sympathy shining in her eyes as my own bubbled with tears.

            "I can't remember," I said through the lump in my throat. "How my mum died, I mean. I can't remember."

            I watched as Louisa took in what I'd said. "What, nothing?"

            I shook my head and wiped the stray tears off my cheeks. "No, not a thing."