Saving Death

Chapter 14

Had I fallen for a monster? The last few days had been agony—avoiding the one person that sparked life into me when that's what I needed the most. Not that I had heard from Sam, but my guess was that he was giving me space after what had happened, sensing that that's exactly what I needed. Or was it a guilty conscience? My mind was a muddle. Some part of me still wanted to believe Sam would never hurt me, but the image of him slipping inconspicuously from the sports hall had haunted my every thought since that night. The idea that he might belong to a life and death cult only fueled my doubts, but the fact was, I trusted him with no logical reason as to why. It just seemed right. But whether I was right or wrong, I knew at some point, I needed to face the truth of who—or even what—he was. I needed to ask that inevitable question, whether Sam liked it or not, but for now, I needed to try to say goodbye to my friend.

            Yet, as I stood outside in the cool afternoon air, dressed entirely in black amongst a crowd of mourners, I couldn't ignore the pang of guilt rattling through me. I still couldn't shake Sam from my head. Something just didn't add up. I looked down at Zac's dressed coffin, and I couldn't help but think that death seemed to follow me lately. I knew—I just knew— Sam's presence had something to do with it.

I glanced around the grave site at all the people Zac had known and felt a terrible responsibility for his passing. His mum and dad stood at the end of the grave, looking at the box that held their son and I could practically see the nothingness hanging over them, as if someone had ripped away part of their being. His mum dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief as the vicar's voice floated across the scene. His father simply stared into oblivion. 

"For as much as it had pleased Almighty God to take out of this world the soul of Zacharias Goodwin..."

The coffin began to lower into the grave. All the brief moments I'd shared seemed to flash in front of me like a film trailer. I'd only known Zac for a short time, but a deeply traumatic time when even the briefest of friends mattered more than ever. He'd been a bright light in my darkness, and it felt wrong to be saying goodbye so soon. Zac shouldn't have died this way.

"...we therefore commit his body to the ground, earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, looking for that blessed hope when the Lord himself shall descend from heaven..." I'd stopped listening. I'd become aware of eyes on my back and I looked behind me. Sam was leaning casually against a tree, fixing me with a level gaze, and it struck me how relaxed he looked amongst the tombstones.

My eyebrows knotted together, unsure of why he was here, but I didn't feel scared. I felt an odd sense of peace settling inside me instead, leaving me even more perplexed.

"...shall we ever be with the Lord, wherefore comfort ye one another with these words."

I jumped when a sob erupted into the air like a bullet. It was Zac's mum as she threw a handful of earth onto her son's coffin. Louisa was dabbing at her nose with a tissue, her face streaked with tears. There were other people from college standing either deadly still with hands in pockets, or shuffling awkwardly on the grass. Most had silent tears rolling down their faces or brimming at their eyes. I, on the other hand, must have looked out of place as I stood with my hands clasped in front of me and not a tear in sight. It was as if my emotions had run empty and I had no more to give.

Eventually, the funeral came to an end and the mourners started to disperse across the stone scattered, grassy expanse, leaving me alone with Louisa, whom I said my goodbyes to. She headed off towards her car, and I turned to where Sam stood, taking my car keys from my bag. He immediately stood up straight and waited for me to approach. Taking a deep breath, I made my way over.

"Hi," I muttered, as I walked up to him.

"Hi," he said, searching my face. "You okay?"

I nodded, but felt the need to be acquitted of my lack of emotion. "Do you think I'm heartless for not crying?" I asked him. He looked surprised for a moment, and I half wondered why I was asking Sam, but his reaction quickly changed to thoughtfulness.