Thorny kind of Love

Chapter 24

 FINAL CHAPTER

Guys....this chapter does not contain a POV from Ben

Ben had left the country exactly 2 days ago, and I never heard from him since we last spoke the day I told him that I didn't love him anymore. During the past 2 days of mourning my dad's death, I struggled to sleep, eat, and talk, I'm grateful for the time Chantal had given me off from work. A lot of friends and family comforted me saying that they understand what I'm going through and trying to advise me of what will be best for me and I was slowly starting to get frustrated, some of them never lost a loved one and cannot imagine what I am going through, my dad and I had each other, we hardly ever argued, I was never a burden to him and neither was he and now he's gone. Some said it's like having this wide gap in your chest that can't be filled, I guess they were right saying that because that was how I was feeling.

The past 2 days have been so difficult, and I remember saying goodbye to my happy dad a few days ago, not knowing that that would be our last goodbyes and now I'm standing at a graveside burying my dad. This made me realize a lot of things between grieving for my dad and the broken relationship with Ben, what we have today, we might not have tomorrow, forgiveness is a simple word, but very difficult to do, however, I realized to this day that I have no room in my heart for bitterness, hate, or resentment towards anyone.

We leave the graveside, family, and friends gather at my house for some tea and snacks, I don't have much energy and strength, but I manage to play a good host to everyone, after some time people start saying their goodbyes, Brian and his family are the last to leave, "I'll call you tomorrow." He says while hugging me. I thank Ellaine for everything she had arranged to assist with the funeral, and then I give both of my nieces a big hug each, my dad loved them. After they left, I slowly start cleaning, I pack away some cups and saucers, by the time I'm done, I am exhausted. I go put away some things in my dad's room and sit on his bed for a while, I see the belongings from the hospital still sitting in a bag on my dad's chair and start unpacking it, I fold it neat and pack it away, and as I'm moving some of his sweaters to the back, by hand feels a thin sheet of paper, I pull it out and see it's a photo, my mom was in a hospital bed was holding a baby, my dad's arm around my mom, I've never seen this picture before, I turn it around and see written on the back in my dad's handwriting: The happiest day of my life, I named her Bellany /Paarl Hospital/ 10th July 1997

With tears rolling down my face, I fold my legs under me and lay on my dad's bed holding onto the photo. I prayed while crying, I asked God to take the pain away, I asked Him to bring my dad back and through the overwhelming emotions, I prayed that Ben arrived back safely in Germany, but mostly I pray and ask God to grant me the strength I need and the guidance to go on. Once I'm done, my head throbs with pain and I take some of my dad's painkillers and get some water from the kitchen. I run a bath and slowly relax in it for half an hour. I will go back to work tomorrow and need to prepare myself, so I get out of the bath and into my PJs and iron a fresh work uniform for tomorrow, I go to the kitchen and make myself some tea, turn off the lights and get into bed. While sipping on the tea, I go through my phone and see some condolence messages from family members, no message from Ben.

I brace myself as I go through my photo gallery, myself and Ben's selfies flashes before my eyes, we were happy, we were in love.

I can't help feel a bit guilty for not giving Ben a chance to explain, but what was there to explain, he had a girlfriend that he was almost engaged to. Perhaps he didn't love her, or maybe he was in a forced relationship, I tell myself, hoping to feel better, but I don't. He was most probably in her bed now and they were kissing and laughing at me, the joke I was. I almost wanted to delete the photos but then I stop myself, besides what Ben did, it was happy memories and I needed to feel happy. I get up, take out the sweater Ben bought me and slip it on, get back in bed and put on my earphones and play a song that relates to my heartache, Laura Pausini, It's not goodbye, with my heart overflowing with bitterness, and I cry myself to sleep.