muse(ic)//mygxreader

pls read - confession

I want to try and be transparent with my readers. This took me a while to word properly so please do read it.

The reason I have not updated is multiple reasons but the main one is my mental health/stress levels.

The past few months I have not had free time until around 10pm and by then I'm too tired to write. School started a few days ago for me too and the distance learning is making it harder for me. I am near a lot of the wild fires(I live on the American West Coast) and the smoke around me is increasing my anxiety to the point of 6-7 panic attacks DAILY. Which, if you've ever had a panic attack you would know, is extremely mentally draining.

Before you ask, yes I am diagnosed professionally with anxiety panic attack disorder I have been since age 6.

About three weeks ago I was rediagnosed stage one suicidal. That means while I wasnt self harming, planning, or attempting suicides I was having suicidal actions that showed I dont care if I live or die anymore. A few days ago, that was increased to a stage two suicidal. I have been trying to focus on my mental health, since I've been battling these thoughts for 4 years and attempting suicide 15 times, my heart even stopping one of those times, I know I can get better since I did before. Please don't worry too much, I do have a small support system of close friends(only 3 friends but its better than none).

I'm going to be honest I'm a huge procrastinator and part of not updating is the "I'll do it later" thought but it mainly comes from over working myself.

Recent events in my personal life has been bringing up past trauma that I haven't fully healed from. I was in a very traumatic home and way of life from around when I was born to 8 years old. And while home life got better, other things that I can not escape kept happening and still are currently happening. I was in a very abusive and toxic relationship for almost 2 years, I only ended it back in March 2020. I am still in contact with my ex boyfriend but only because we go to the same church. Being around him more than usual due to churches opening back up as brought up the trauma of that relationship that I didn't have enough time to heal from. If your curious, yes it's a contributing factor to the suicidal thoughts.

I really hope you guys do understand why I have not updated and I do plan on updating soon I've been trying to find the energy to write. But pls remember, writers are human too. Wattpad writers, Instagram writers, Twitter writers, Webtoon writers, and now BU writers are human and have personal struggles. We are not content making machines and need breaks too. I've been more focused on my journey of healing from buried trauma thats been happening in my entire life from day 1(if ur curious, I'm a teenager in high school. I don't rly want to share age here).

I also started an ig account for Kpop Journaling since I've started art therapy and I've been having that(follow xx_kpop.journaling on IG pls. Also DM me i want friends sksksksks) has been taking up my time.

Please understand what I'm trying to say and understand I'm trying my best for regular updates but I am human and I have limits I'm already going too far over.

Thank you

-moarmytrash