a friend from college-jemily

let her go

Emily spent the weekend alone in her bed. Any time she thought of getting up and doing something, she was pulled right back in to her sadness. Her chest was heavy like her heart was slowly breaking, her head pounded from her intrusive thoughts bombarding her. She felt like she was going through a break up and grieving the death of a relative at the same time, but neither of those things were true. She did, however, just lose the love of her life.

Of course, she'd barely known JJ. But when she was with her it was like they were twin flames coming together as one. She was constantly happy when she was around JJ. Emily Prentiss hardly knew Jennifer Jareau but she knew they were soulmates. That's what really hit her the hardest—knowing exactly what she had but having to let her go anyway.

That's what Emily decided was best. To let JJ go. It's what she owed to JJ after keeping that secret from her for so long, whether she thought it was the right thing to do or not. Why did she not tell JJ? If she could do it all over again, she would've made sure to see JJ the morning after the party. Then she would've told JJ about Evan right away. But she can't do it over again. She asked herself again.

"Why didn't you just tell her?"

She told herself again that she thought she was doing the right thing, protecting JJ from the truth. She told herself again, and again. Until she almost believed it. She knew the real reason she didn't tell JJ about that night. And she hated herself for it.

That night, when JJ kissed her, was the first time she truly felt loved by another woman and if she came to terms with the reality of that night, that burning flutter in her chest would have disintegrated away.

"So fucking selfish."

She berated herself. And then she stopped.

"Okay, Emily. No more pity party." Emily got out of bed, put on some fresh clothes and went to the dining hall for a slice of pizza and a doughnut. That would help her get JJ off her mind.

Soon it was Tuesday night. After a long day of lectures, Emily finally had to face the moment she had been dreading. She walked in to Crim 240 and sat down in a row half way to the stage. Just a few minutes before the class started, someone sat down in the empty seat next to Emily. The brunette glanced to her left to see a head full of blonde locks reaching down to pull a notebook out of her backpack. As the girl looked up, she revealed a dark bruise around her eye.

"Hey," JJ said. Emily was shocked.
"Hey," Emily said back. This time it was Emily who was blushing. JJ smiled but before she could say anything back, the professor began the lecture.

After three hours had passed, the class began to pack up their bags and head out for the night. JJ stood up from her seat and flung her backpack around her good arm.

"Hey, I'm really sorry but I can't go to the library tonight."

"I understand," Emily shook her head as she began walking out of the room. "And JJ, your eyes looks a lot better."

JJ smiled again. "Thanks." Then they headed their separate ways. JJ watched as Emily walked in the direction of her residence hall. She stood there in the chill of the dark fall night. Only the bright street lamps and soft yellow hue from the lights inside the building illuminated campus. It definitely had a certain spookiness, but JJ thought it was fitting as October was only a few days away. She began to walk toward the library, leaves rustling in the wind and as she crinkled them beneath her sneakers. A cool breeze blew through campus and suddenly JJ's sweater wasn't quite enough to keep her warm. She was a few yards away from the library when she made a sharp turn in the opposite direction.

tw//: abuse

"Hey, blondie," Evan shouted from behind, causing JJ to swiftly turn toward him.

"Evan, you scared me," JJ sighed as her boyfriend placed his arm around her. JJ cringed as she felt him rub against her neck. "Can we go to the dining hall so we can talk?"

There were always people in the dining hall and JJ knew that for her to feel safe, the conversation she was about to have needed to be very public. Evan agreed and they sat in the middle of the room while he chowed down on a slice of pizza. "So, what's up? I haven't seen you in a few days," Evan asked.

"Yeah, well, about that," JJ began before her voice trailed off. "I don't, um, want to see you anymore."

"Like, you want to break up?" Evan was astounded, as he'd obviously never been dumped before. "With me? You, want to break up, with me?"

JJ gained some more confidence now as a group of people she recognized had sat down at the table across from them. "Yes. And frankly, you're lucky that breaking up with you is all I'm doing."

Evan's eyes got big and the frantic energy that JJ feared started filling his face. "What are you talking about?"

"I know what you did," JJ's face was getting red. "I know now, and I hate myself for ever being with you, so please, Evan, just let me go." She stood up from the table and started walking away. She felt a tight grip on her shoulder pull her back and she nearly fell backward from the force.

"Ow, Evan, please let me go!" JJ said loudly. Evan let her go but tried to keep her from leaving.

"JJ, you're such a bitch, how can you just leave like this?" Evan said as JJ tried to leave again.

"Evan, I'm done with you. Please..." Evan stepped in her way again, blocking the door so that she couldn't get through. As JJ tried to push through the door, Evan kept his grasp on her.
"Let me go!" JJ yelled, nearly crying. Students around the dining hall began to stare as the blondes faced off at the door. "Let me go!" JJ continued to yell. A few moments later, a group of people approached them.

One of the guys asked, "what's going on here?"
"He won't let me leave," JJ explained.
"Cmon dude," one of the girls in the group spoke up, gesturing for Evan to leave. Instead, Evan grabbed JJ and pulled her from the collar of her shirt. JJ screamed as she clawed at Evan's arm. He pulled her through the entryway, and pushed her down.

"You weren't that great anyway," Evan said as he walked off. The group of students huddled around JJ as she got up from the floor. The security guard had arrived and was keeping other people from crowding around. When she thought a public place was the best option, she didn't think about the public humiliation of her abusive EX-boyfriend making a seen in the cafeteria.

"Hey, are you okay?" one of the girls whispered as she helped JJ to her feet.
"Yeah, um, thanks."
After the security guard got the groups to clear out, he asked for JJ and the other witnesses to come to the security office to make a statement for his report.
"Did you want to file a complaint?" He asked JJ after she recalled what had just happened. JJ hesitated. She really didn't want to go through the trouble, especially since she had already decided that what Evan did to her at the party was something she needed to move on from. If she filed a report, this would follow her around for who knows how long, that's the reality of it, a sad, sad reality.
"Look," the security guard said, sitting down next to JJ. "I know this is scary. And I know you probably just want to move on, but if you file the complaint, the University can file a restraining order that would prevent him from being in any of your classes or your residence hall. It's not perfect, but it's a little peace of mind."
JJ shook her head and thought about it. It seemed reasonable to go that route, but still, she wasn't sure. Suddenly, a thought floated in her mind.

I wish Emily was here. She always knows what to do.

She thought like Emily her a second, and told the officer that she wanted to file the report. She knew she'd probably never fully be rid of Evan Parker, but it did give her some peace knowing she'd be safe in her own bedroom.
After the paperwork was processed, the security guard walked her to her residence hall.

"Thank you," JJ said as she unlocked her door.

"Of course, Miss. We will be in touch." He tipped his cap and waited for JJ so walk in to her dorm and lock it behind her before heading back to his station.

"JJ, are you okay?" Anna ask, embracing her friend with a warming hug. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Um, maybe not tonight. I just want to let it go." JJ dropped down her backpack and walked toward her bedroom.

"JJ, I'm so sorry," Anna said. JJ acknowledged her with a nod and they both went to bed.