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TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide is mentioned in this chapter. 

Also, a little SPG chapter ahead. 


.57  

"Why are you smiling?" Kev asked. 

We're at the beach, sitting on wooden beach chairs, and enjoying the sun. It was his idea to go out today. He said I look so pale that I would probably glow in the dark because of my ashen skin. It's been three years since my grandfather, Allesandro Costa, threw me to this island. According to my grandfather, the truth was too unbearable for me, and isolating me in some island might help with Kev Conti's company.

I've been on therapy for two years now, with the help of Tessa, my beautiful therapist. After my last attempt, my grandfather added more security around the island. He also hired a personal nurse to make sure that I am thanking my medicine and attending my sessions. It wasn't easy at first. I didn't want to talk about my feelings. I didn't want to talk about anything. I just wanted to be gone, but Tessa helped me understand and learn more about my emotions.

She was able to pinpoint life events that contributed to my unhappiness and helped me find ways to change, accept, or adapt to certain situations. Painting helped me in a lot of ways too. I created a new world for me, where I can be in peace and free.

Every time I paint, it's like a realm to another world will open, and I'd be lost in colors for hours or sometimes even days. Kev was always there to buy me painting supplies if I ran out of them. On some days, he would sit on my bed and watch me. On other days, he would be in a corner, reading a book. It became a routine for the past two years, and when Kev's not around, I look for him everywhere.

Tessa cried when she saw my painting of Ivo. I haven't told her about him because I thought he's something too personal to share with my therapist. I don't know what's gotten to me. One morning, I woke up with this immense emotion of missing him and wanting to see him, but I know I shouldn't because his betrayal is a wound that does not heal.

So, I painted him during my sleepless nights and darkest hours. And last night was one of those nights where I missed him, loved him, and hated him terribly. It was emotionally consuming.

I blamed Ivo for a lot of things. Anthony's death is one of them. While I am aware that he got nothing to do with it, I couldn't stop blaming Ivo because after meeting him, all these unfortunate events happened. It's like I am being punished for loving him.

And the most painful of all was that Ivo knew that Uncle Bern had killed my father. He was there when it happened. He knew all this time. My Uncle is also the reason why my mother got kidnapped. The Costa Mafia and Moretti Mafia are enemies, the man my Uncle hired took my mother to the Moretti's. It is still unclear what happened to her, but considering that she's not in my life, it's only evident that she has been eliminated. I wonder if Ivo saw that too. I wonder what his reasons are for not telling me. And sometimes, in the darkest depths of my mind, I wished for him to suffer.

But I still love him.

I still love Ivo.

And I hate myself for loving him.

With my lack of response, Kev asked again. "Why are you smiling?"

I did not look at Kev and just showed him the book I was reading. Tessa bought it at the local bookstore, the current bestseller. She said it's a fantastic book, so I asked if I could borrow it. I remember Tessa smiling so wide and nodding her head repeatedly. It reminded me of the dog ornament sitting on top of Kev's dashboard.

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