Tayo Sana

Thirteen | 열셋

At the end of that long dream, I finally made a choice. That even if I turned back time, a hundred different ways...I would choose to meet you again. I would want to know you and fall in love.

- Crash Landing on You

✈️| N O W – 2018 |✈️

Nanlumo ako agad nang nakitang wala na siya sa tabi ko pagkagising ko. Did he leave already? Is this his way of telling me it was casual?

Kahit kailan, Andy! Wala ka nang ginawang tama!

I hid my tears in the warm streams of water from the shower.

Felix tried to tell me this. Heck, even Ruby Rose wasn't very encouraging when I told her I was coming for Seth. Kung sana tinanggap ko na rati pa na tapos na kami...

Muntik na akong mapasigaw sa gulat nang may kumatok sa pinto ng banyo.

"Sino 'yan?" I called out stupidly. If it was an intruder, he wouldn't likely understand Tagalog nor tell me who he is.

I put on a robe quickly and took a bottle of shampoo as a weapon I can throw at whoever it is.

Yielding the missile, I slowly stepped out of the bathroom and followed the smell of hot coffee back to the room.

Of course, it was Seth.

"Naligo ka na? I was hoping to get back before you woke up. Kumain na tayo," sambit niya na nakangiti.

Hinawi niya ang makapal na kurtina sa kuwarto at nilagay niya sa bedside table ang dalawang takeout cup ng kape. Mayroon ding paperbag na puno yata ng tinapay. Spring sunshine flooded the room and Seth looked so handsome even in last night's clothes. Looks like he'd rushed to get breakfast before getting the chance to shower.

The moment threw me off. If I had not been so stupid all those years ago, this would have been my life with Seth now.

"Ahhh oo. Saglit lang, ibalik ko lang 'to sa banyo."

I stepped away quickly and retraced my steps back to the bathroom, buying myself a few private seconds.

I had realized this might not be what Seth had in mind when he agreed to see me. Hindi niya naman siguro plinano na may mangyari samin. Last night was probably just what it was— casual sex with an ex.

"Andy?" he called from the bedroom.

"Yes, I'm coming!" I answered brightly and tossed the mini bottle of shampoo to the sink.

I gathered all my self-respect and forced a smile as I went back to him.

"Ayaw mo pa ba kumain?" tanong niya habang pinupulupot ko ang buhok sa tuwalya.

"Ayos lang. Kain na tayo."

✈️| T H E N – 2012 |✈️

"Gaga ka ba, Andy?" bulyaw ni Felix sakin pero ang sunod niyang ginawa ay yakapin ako. For that, I will eternally be grateful.

Tinawagan ko silang dalawa ni Mimay pagkatapos makaalis ni Seth.

Sinabi ko sa kanila ang lahat ng katangahan na pinagga-gawa ko sa mga buwan na hindi kami nagkakausap at abala naman si Seth sa pag-aaral.

"Andy!" Felix said my name in consternation as both my friends cried with me.

"Alam ko, ang tanga ko! Gaga ako! Cheater ako!"

"Friend, tama na. Tapos na 'yun," Mimay said gently although I know she was just as disappointed.

"Bakit ka nakipag-sex kay Andrei?"

"Kasi..." I started to say that I didn't know and it just happened but it didn't pan out like that.

Yes, I had not planned on losing my virginity to Andrei but I did go to his boarding house when I knew he was alone in his room.

It seems like a hazy dream now — one that happened to someone else but me. Pero kahit anong pagpapaniwala ko sa sarili, hindi ko maitatanggi na ako ang tanga na nagbigay ng sarili niya sa isang lalaki na hindi niya pa gaano kilala. Sa isang lalaki na ni hindi niya man lang nobyo.

I've always thought it would be romantic when I finally lose my virginity. I imagined roses, candles and wooing. Instead, it was an unpleasant and painful fifteen-minute tryst that forever altered the course of my life. Shit happens, they say. Well shit did happen.

"Kasi tanga ako," I finished and burst into tears again.

✈️| N O W – 2018 |✈️

Korean egg sandwich o mas kilala sa gaeran tost-uay and dala ni Seth.

Pagakatapos naming kumain ay siya naman ang nag-shower habang nagligpit ako.

Naabutan niya akong nakahiga ulit sa kama na naka bathrobe pa rin. He's already dressed in a simple turtleneck shirt and pants because he was expecting we'd go out.

"Ayaw mo na ba mamasyal? I was thinking of bringing you to Buchon Hanok Village again. Walking distance lang 'yun galing dito."

"Hmmm I want to rest before my flight tonight. Ikaw? Anong oras mo kailangan umalis?"

"Ihahatid kita mamaya sa airport tapos diretso na ako sa train station."

Tumango ako at iniwas ang tingin ko. Hindi na dapat ako magpahatid sa kaniya.

"Seth?"

"Hm?" he asked and walked towards the bed.

"I'm sorry."

"Huh? Don't worry. We can just stay in if you want."

"No... I mean. About... before."

Tumango siya nang marahan nang napagtanto ang ibig kong sabihin at humiga na rin sa tabi ko.

"Kalimutan mo na 'yun. Matagal na kitang napatawad. Okay na tayo."

Hindi eh. Hindi kami. Hindi rin kami okay.

"You should have been my first. You should have been my last," sabi ko sa garalgal na tinig. I couldn't stop it anymore. The anguish, guilt and regret that have shaped the past six years of my life finally overtook me.

"Andy, please don't cry," bulong niya at hinila ako para makahiga sa isang braso niya. He embraced me so tightly, I wish he need never let go.

"I want you to know that I regret everything! I hate myself! You probably hate me too. And I'm so sorry I'm bring this up again, Seth," pautal-utal ang bigkas ko dahil na rin sa patuloy na pag-iyak.

Tahimik lang siya, hinihintay na kumalma ako. Hindi niya kinalas ang pagkakayakap sakin, bagkus ay hinihimas niya lang ang likod ko at dinampian ako ng halik sa buhok.

"Kung puwede ko lang ibalik ang nakaraan, kung puwede ko lang baguhin ang mga nangyari, gagawin ko. Bumalik ka lang sakin..." pagsusumamo ko.

I might be ashamed of what I'm saying now but more so of the things I did to him in the past.

"Andy... we broke up because of what... what happened. But I forgave you a long time ago. Ikaw ang hindi pa nakakapag-patawad sa sarili mo," marahan niyang sagot.

"Mahal pa rin kita... Ikaw? Hindi mo na ba talaga ako mahal? Wala na ba talaga?"

Pinahiya ko na rin lang ang sarili ko, lulubos-lubosin ko na.