Forever (Epilouge)

131

The next few days were difficult. Olivia wasn't getting as much sleep as she was supposed to, which meant I wasn't sleeping at all. She was slowly getting better but I was still so worried that I couldn't sleep even when she was.

"Mommy, why are you awake?" Mia asked as I stood in the kitchen leaning against the counter. "Why are you awake?" I asked as she shrugged. "I'm thirsty." She said as I nodded and turned to the cabinet to get her a glass of water.

"Is sissy okay?" Mia asked as I nodded. "Sissy is still a little sick. She's okay though." I said and handed her the glass of water I got for her.

"Thank you, mommy." She said then took a sip. I let out a breath and turned towards the water I was boiling again. "Can we watch cartoons?" She asked as I pursed my lips, "You're not tired?" I asked as she shrugged.

"I'm tired but you need a buddy." She said as I smiled slightly. "That's very sweet, Mia. We can watch cartoons for a minute if you want." I said then pulled my tea tin out. "Okay! I'll set it up!" She said then walked over to the living room as I prepared my tea.

Mia has been so helpful in the process of getting Olivia back to health. She's always willing to help me out in any way she can. She really was the sweetest little girl out there.

The other day Kat taught her how to make Mac and cheese so she could make us dinner if I asked her to. She actually did it one night with Kat being in the room to supervise. She was so excited when we ate it and complimented her on her good work.

"I got you a blanket, mommy." Mia said as I walked in with my tea. "Thank you, sweet girl." I said then sat down next to her, fluffing my blanket out to cover both of us.

"When does daddy come home?" Mia asked as we watched the show she put on. "In about a week, honey." I said then wrapped my arm around her, pulling her close to my chest. "Good. I miss him." She said as my heart sank.

"I miss him too." I whispered then kissed her head as she snuggled into me some more.

We watched cartoons for about 30 minutes before Mia was asleep in my arms. I knew she wasn't going to last long because she was so tired.

I looked at the time and sighed, seeing that it was 4am. I wanted to call Colby just so I could hear his voice but he was on the east coast so he was either still filming, or sleeping so I didn't want to disrupt him.

I sat and watched tv for a couple more minutes before Olivia started crying. It broke my heart how uncomfortable she was but usually a quick cuddle session put her right to bed.

I stood up slowly, holding onto Mia's head so I could carefully lay it down on the couch. I put a pillow under her head and draped the blanket over her then went to the bedroom where Olivia was.

"Shhh, mommy's here." I said and pulled her into my arms. "I know you're hurting..." I whispered and kissed her head as I bounced her, dancing around the room.

I did this for a couple minutes but she wasn't letting up. "How about we take a nice cold bath." I said and rubbed her back, dancing towards the bathroom and closing the door. She cried loudly which only broke my heart more.

"Shh, it's okay sweet pea. I'm right here." I whispered and leaned down to turn the water on. I made sure it was warm enough to sit in, but cool enough to calm her down.

It was moments like these that I missed Colby the most. He and I worked so well together that whenever we weren't together and something wasn't going right it was the universe telling us that we needed to come together again.

It made me wonder if Olivia was crying because she was hurting or if it was because she just wanted Colby.

I remember when Mia was a baby and Colby was away she was sick for a little while, the doctor said she was probably just missing Colby. Was this the same thing?

I sighed and shook my head, laying her on the counter so I could get her pajamas off. I kept my clothes on then got in bathtub with her in my arms as she fussed.

"I know sweetheart, you're not feeling good. This should help though." I mumbled as I lowered her into the water.

She cried for another minute before she looked up at me with glassy eyes. "That's my girl." I whispered and cupped my hand, putting it in the water and bringing it to her head so I could get her hair wet.

She closed her eyes and reached up so she could pull at my hair. "Aaaand she's back." I said with a small laugh and continued to wet her hair.

She fussed a little bit but stayed fairly relaxed as we sat in the tub. I was starting to get a little cold but I didn't care as long as Olivia was comfortable.

We sat in there for a while before she started falling asleep again. It made me feel better that she was at least calmed down for now, and that her fever was broken for the time being.

I stood up and reached for a towel, trying to not wake her up. It was a little challenging getting her dressed again but I somehow managed to do it without waking her.

As soon as I put her to bed I went into the closet and hung up my wet clothes so they would dry, then got changed and laid on the floor.

I never imagined that this is what it would be like being a mother. I guess I never really thought much about what it would be like since my mother was the spawn of satan himself.

I never thought I would be a mom, but I especially never thought I would be considered a good mom. In fact I still felt like a bad mom.

I felt like I wasn't mentally stable enough to be considered a good mom. I was always on the verge of breaking and good moms weren't like that.

I was always afraid that once the girls got old enough to see how crazy I was they wouldn't want anything to do with me.

I shook my head, bringing my hands to my eyes as I laid on the floor. I was so tired. Probably the most tired I have been in years, but I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't sleep knowing that Olivia could wake up in pain. I couldn't sleep knowing that she was hurting and sick. I couldn't sleep knowing that Mia was waking up at 3am for a drink.

Did I keep her hydrated enough in the day? Was she going to get pneumonia next?

I shook my head again and sat up, holding my head in my hands. I was overthinking everything for no reason.

The girls were fine and I was fine. I would sleep when Olivia got better, or when Colby got home. Whichever comes first.

I eventually got up and got dressed in another one of Colby's hoodies and a pair of shorts. I pulled the hood on and bundled the sleeves in my hands, then went out to finish watching the movie I had turned on before Olivia started fussing.

Mia was still fast asleep on the couch so I sat on the floor with my back leaned against the couch so I could watch the movie.

My tea was ice cold by the time I got to finish it but I didn't care. My girls were okay.

I sat up all night for the fourth night in a row.

I was worried that with me being so tired, I would have another huge attack, which would have me sleep for another 5 days.

I didn't want that, so I had to try and just avoid it. I knew I couldn't really control my attacks by any means but I would have to try to for the girls sake.

I would do anything for the girls.