Invisible String

Chapter 38 - Getaway Car

"What is this?" I asked while he stared at me, his eyes wide. "Is it what I think it is?"

He got mad, pushed by me to the box, and covered it back up with the lid. He ran his fingers through his hair. "What were you doing in here?" He looked up into my eyes.

"Jaiden, is that drug stuff?"

"Hannah, please..." he kept trying to say something, but nothing would come out, until finally, he said, "Get out. Please."

"Jaiden, tell me what's going on? Are you doing drugs?"

"Hannah, I can't do this. Not with you. I can't. Please, just get out of here. Just forget about it."

"I can't do that." I reached for his arm, and he pulled back. "Jaiden, I thought you cared about me." I looked down at the floor. "I thought you might even love me." A tear slid out of my eye. "How could you not tell me about this?"

"Dammit, Hannah. Of course I love you. You know it. I know it. You fucking love me, too, even though you don't want to admit it." I looked up, staring at him. He shook his head. "So, how was I supposed to tell you about this? I can't even tell you I love you yet because you're so scared of jumping into something complicated. And I respect that. But this? This isn't something you just tell someone you love. They tend not to take it very well."

I walked out of the closet and into the bedroom. I sat down on the edge of the bed. He followed behind and stood in front of me, arms across his chest. He was shaking. But I doubted it was because he was cold. He was upset.

I sighed, tears welling up in my eyes more. "How long?"

He looked away from me, tears in his eyes, too. "A long time."

I took in a deep, sharp breath, but tried to keep from crying. That would only make things worse.

"How long?"

His jaw clenched. "Three years or so. Give or take a little."

My hand instinctively covered my mouth as I still attempted to choke back tears. "Jesus Christ, Jaiden. Oh, my God." I shook my head. "You're lucky to be alive!"

"Goddammit, Hannah. Don't. You don't know anything about it. Not every person in the world dies from drugs." He stormed out of the room, and I got up and followed him.

"Stop! We're not done."

"No, I figured that," he said, continuing to his kitchen. He opened up the liquor cabinet in there and pulled out a bottle of whiskey. "But I'm going to need this if we continue." He held a glass up and raised his eyebrows. I hesitated, then nodded. I didn't think I could do this with him without it either.

I sat down at the island counter, and he sat across from me, then slid the drink to me and poured one for himself. I downed it instantly, almost gagging as it burned its way down my throat. I slid the glass back to him. He drank his own, refilled mine, and then sent it back to me.

I looked up, and his eyes met mine. We stared at each other. I so badly wanted to slap him silly, but at the same time, I just wanted to hold him and tell him that we'd figure it out. That everything would be alright.

Instead, I asked, "Why?"

He shrugged and shook his head quickly. "I guess for the same reason most people start them. Just to try it, see what it's like." I stared, waiting for him to continue. But he didn't.

"How did it start?"

He shook his head. "I don't want to do this, Hannah."

I drank my drink. "Yeah, well, I didn't think we'd ever have to."

"Look, I get it if you wanna bail. Okay?" Tears filled his eyes again, and I saw his bottom lip tremble. "You deserve better than this."

"Don't," I said, fighting back my own tears. "You can't do that. I want you, Jaiden. I'm with you. I just don't understand how we could spend the last two months together, and you wouldn't tell me about this."

"How was I supposed to tell you?" He yelled at me, getting up from his chair. "I couldn't, Hannah! You would've never even given us a chance." He turned away just as he began to cry.

My insides felt like they were tearing apart. Everything was weighing down on me, making it hard to breathe. I wanted to scream, cry, and curl up into a ball, but I couldn't. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move.

He left the kitchen, and I stayed there, sitting still. Feeling stupid. What was I supposed to say? Was he an addict? Could I just ask him that? The way he acted... he has to be. But how could I not have known? He always seemed so normal. So happy. Was it all a lie?

"I can't..." I said to myself as I got up from the table slowly. I walked into the living room. He wasn't in there. I grabbed my pants and slid into them, then grabbed my purse and keys. As I walked to the elevator, he came back into the living room. I turned around, and he had the box in his hands, and tears were going down his cheeks. He set it down on the nearby table, and came over to me and took my hands in his own. His hands covered mine, holding them tightly, cupped together.

"I love you, Hannah." He let go and brushed my hair back behind my ears. "So much. Even after just this short time together. You're incredible. And I don't need anything else. I don't." I tried to say something, but he put his lips on my own, kissing me gently as his tear-covered cheeks pressed against mine. He leaned his forehead on my own, and said, "I love you. I'll stop. I'll never touch it again. Please don't leave. Please," he brushed his fingers down my cheeks, down my neck, then left his hands on my shoulder. "Please, just stay."

I stared into his beautiful, brown eyes. They seemed honest. He seemed genuine. But I was scared. And I couldn't. "I'm sorry." I kissed him softly on the lips, then rang for the elevator.

"Hannah, please, I'll stop. I'll do anything. Just don't go." He grabbed my hand and held on to it tightly. "Please."

"Jaiden, I don't know what to do. I can't... I can't stay right now. I need to digest." My hand covered my mouth as tears streamed down my face slowly, one at a time. "Give me time. Please."

He clenched his jaw, looked down, and nodded. "Are we done?"

"No. I don't... I don't know. I... I need time."

He nodded again, eyes glued to the floor.

"I don't want to lose you, though," I said, reaching out and grazing his stubbled cheek. "So, just, let me think this over."

"I don't want to lose you, either," he said, his hand holding mine by his face. He leaned forward and kissed me, eyes closed. His hands moved behind my head, holding me against his mouth. He pulled back and breathed against me. "Please don't shut me out. I'll get rid of this. You'll never see it again, I promise."

"It's not seeing it that bothers me so much, Jaiden. It's that you're obviously in pain, and if you really do love me, you didn't tell me." I looked down at the floor, and the elevator dinged as the doors opened. "And you had become my best friend. But you... you didn't say anything."

I couldn't look at him as I stepped back onto the elevator. As they shut, he stared up at me, arms around himself, he was crying, and everything inside of me felt broken, ruined. My face was soaked, and I couldn't run fast enough through the lobby of the building. When I got outside, I hailed a cab within a minute and was on my way home.

I got upstairs to my apartment, and as soon as I locked the door, I turned and ran for the bathroom and threw up, then sat next to the toilet and cried for an hour.

How could I have gotten myself into another toxic relationship? Was I doomed to live like this forever? Falling for guys who were in some way, never pleased with what they had. Jaiden needed drugs, and Alex needed... well, more than what I could give him. And I loved them both. But I wasn't enough for either of them.

I crawled into my room without my phone or computer, or anything, took off his clothes, and put on pajamas, and laid still until I fell asleep.