the strawberry dress | harry styles

29: post breakdown sesh

after he left i cried more then then went to nap. i woke up an hour later to a phone call from harry, letting me know he was at the airport. we spoke for a few minuets before he had to leave so i did some university work before calling zayn.

"you decent?" he asked.
"missing harry. you?" i replied.
"bored. sick of reading books"
"never thought those words would come out of your mouth" i said surprisedly.
"me neither. wanna go to the heath?"
"you bringing the weed?"
"if you're bringing the vodka"
"i'll get some on the way. usual spot?"
"sounds good. see you" the call ended and i went to put on some make up.

harry was aware i smoked weed with my friends at times and didn't mind as it was my life and i wasn't in danger. he also smoked sometimes. i brushed my hair, washed my face and applied some eye liner and mascara. i braided my hair and added some beads before heading out, taking my card on the way. i probably looked crazy, walking round with a bottle of vodka. the paps were going to 100% post about this but i was too sad to care. i headed to the heath which was just a massive field in london with a forest, a band stand, a river and other things such as a children's park, toilets...me and zayn often sat in the forest part. we literally had a specific spot.

"oi dumb dumb" i turn around to see no other than zayn. we both grinned and exchanged a hug.
"you scared me" i said before we walked to our spot. we sat down and i mixed the vodka with some juice while zayn rolled us some blunts.
"you okay?" he asked.
"heck no" i inhaled the goodness and blew, calmness overwhelming me. "he hasnt even been gone that long yet i feel like shit. you?"
"bored. so bored" he sighed.
"you should go have fun" i pointed out.
"i just cant bring myself to. and...i miss belle"

belle was his ex girlfriend of three fucking years.

"everythings just so dull and boring"
"time will heal. and maybe it wont be like this for long. and hey, we're friends. i gotchu" we used to have a cute friendship group but once everyone went to uni we all kind of split up and went our own ways across country. except zayn and i. we stayed in london and grew closer as friends. we had grew apart when he moved to america for a bit but he came back eventually.
"youre shit at empathy" he said.
"i know, im sorry" i sighed and took the bottle and took a gulp. i rarely ever drank but we needed a sesh.

"tomorrow the headlines are gonna be 'harry styles girlfriend has a problem'" i said.
"what? why?"
"paps saw me with vodka. probably followed me here" i shrugged.
"oh shit" he blew and the smoke flew into the air.
"cant believe im in love" i said. "my trust issues are fucking shit and i always wanna die. but when hes there i want to die less"
"thats good though, right?"
"yeah but its weird. weird feeling"
"you always said you'd die alone by 25"
"four years left to see if that's true"
"hey" he put an arm round me. "im proud of you" we shared a friend hug before downing the drink. zayn was tipsy, i however was fine as i had less. we went to harrys place and had a little dance together. we turned on mother, mother and just had a blast. i had to remind him we couldn't smoke in the house but zayn wouldn't dare do such a thing.

being away from harry was difficult but
maybe i'll be okay.