the strawberry dress | harry styles

40: mourning

nothing he said made it better. the girl i once called my best friend had passed away. we didn't talk anymore. we did fight and we stopped speaking. but we made up eventually and kept the distance. but she was gone forever.

i'd locked myself in my room in despair, crying my eyes out. harry was trying to comfort me from outside but didn't know how. i was having really bad tendencies so i unlocked the door and let him in. i couldn't stop crying.

my poor boyfriend took his time calming me and carried me to bed. he sat with me, holding me close and wiping away my mascara stained tears. i could barely even utter a sentence out. he didn't let me go once. The rest of it was a blur because of how hard i was sobbing.

i woke up the in the evening and a pang of guilt hit my heart. sobs left my mouth and soon my emotions took over. harry heard me from downstairs and ran upstairs to comfort me.

"it's going to be okay my love" he said to me i didn't even want to leave my bed. for a week i just stayed in my room crying. zayn came over a few times but i didn't let him in.

After a week i managed to leave the room. go back to my basic routine of hygiene and eat but i was still broken. harry was always there though. he took a week off to stay with me and make sure i was okay. zayn came over again and we watched a movie. i also had a big cry to him about how important he was to me.

harry and i attended her funeral and her boyfriend had greeted us. he gave me a hug and thanked us for coming. he wasn't doing well and harry said if he needed anything we were there. he also told me how she died: laced drugs.

i was never smoking weed again.

we'd gone home and i was crying my eyes out. id shut myself back into my room in despair. harry was pained to see me in this state but he didn't know what to do. i didn't blame him really - how could help? i didn't know how to deal with grief and i laughed off most of my pain nowadays - all he could do was be there. he couldn't force me to talk.

slowly i got back into my routine again. there were many waves of hardship and depression and crying episodes and guilt but it got easier. it hurt a lot but i had to carry on. losing yasmine made me realise how short life was. she did a lot to hurt me but i still appreciate the good she did. why on earth would i remember her in a negative way when i would never see her again? and at least we made up before she died.

"good evening my lovely ve" i was sitting on the kitchen counter holding ice, trying to resist the urge to relapse when harry walked in and planted a soft kiss on my lips. he saw what i was doing and sadness filled his eyes- he knew i was trying not to give up and was proud of me. he was hesitant to leave me at home on my own and didn't for a while but i assured him i'd be fine and if i had any tendencies i would call zayn.
"im so proud of you my love" he saw my hands were shaking from the cold and got me a towel. he held my freezing hands and planted soft kisses on them.

"im sorry" i said quietly.
"you have nothing to be sorry for" he caressed my face gently, his thumb gliding against my cheek bones. he stared deeply into my eyes as he did it. god, im so in love.
"you eaten?" he asked. i shook my head.
"what dyou fancy then?"
"dying"

SHIT

"im so sorry!" i clamped my hands over my mouth. poor harry didn't know how to reply. he just removed his hands from my face awkwardly.
"we should cut some fruit" i said softly.
"that sounds nice" he replied shyly. i got off the counter and went to the fridge to pick my favourites while harry got the cutlery ready and played some music.

harry sang along softly while i hummed as i was insecure about my voice. our elbows bumped every few seconds and we just giggled apprehensively. after that we cuddled on the sofa eating.

"how you holding up?" he asked me.
"managing. you?" i replied.
"pretty good. it..hurts to see you in pain but you know im here"
"i hope im not effecting you"
"no! no, not at all! i love you and if it did effect me i'd tell you"
"i love you too harry" i leaned up and kissed under his ear then his nose.
"I got you. OkAy?"