the strawberry dress | harry styles

44: talking about it

today harry wasn't feeling great - which was valid as he was a human. whilst he was upstairs getting ready, i cut some fruit, buttered some toast and made some coffee before going upstairs to greet my boyfriend who was staring into space.

"good morning my love" i smiled. he turned to face me and his eyes lit up.
"baby you didnt have to" he smiled softly and sat on the bed.
"Oh shush you" i kissed the side of his head gently and put the tray on the table and sat next to him.
"have i ever told you i love you?"
"many times but i love you more. now, eat as much as you can. i'm gonna do some baking later, wanna help?"
"Ooh can we make cookies?"
"Yeah, of course!"

i had brought up my own food too so we sat together eating before i took everything downstairs whilst he went to wash his hands. i kissed his head then headed off to do the dishes. as i was finishing up two strong arms wrapped their arms around me. my boyfriends head rested on my shoulder.

"you okay?" i asked timidly.
"mhmm" he mumbled.
"you sure?" i replied. harry didn't say a word...oh shit..."harry" i turned around and faced him.
"i just...we...i think we should talk about...y'know..." he gabbled.
"talk about what?"
"when you almost died..."
"what, when i tried to top myself?"
"uh...i wouldn't put it that way but yes..."
"harry, you coulda just said!"
"wh- i didn't know how! i didn't want to upset you"
"oh, im fine! ask whatever you want"
"love, this isn't a q&a. this is a serious chat about your suicide attempt" harry sighed.
"well...i don't really talk about my suicide attempts so i don't know what to say"
"plural? theres been more?"
"yeah..." i admitted. "but...i'm fine!"

i knew my attempt hit him hard but not this hard. this was awkward.

"i just...i went away for three months then i find out you tried to end your life. and for two weeks im just in america worrying about you because you almost died. i was always worried it would happen because you told me once you sometimes hated existing.  you seemed to be having so much fun with zayn then i get a call and youre telling me about the pills you took..." he stopped for a second. "are you okay? is there anything i should know or do incase this happens again? you say your fine but you say that all the time, what if you do it again? you just moved on afterwards as if nothing happened and it worries me"

jesus christ.

"i guess when youre used to feeling like shit, its kind of just...default? if that makes sense. and...i'm fine" i said quietly. "but...if you want to do something for me...you could help me find a good therapist"
"yeah, yeah i-i can do that" he said, surprise in his voice.
"i just...god...uh...growing up how i did it was just so hard accessing the help i needed. so i just decided not to. first camhs then my school, and well of course my family being the way they are. its so simple, you can just call the fucking gp and say hey i need help but...it's not for me...i know it sounds stupid and maybe doesn't make sense but im just wired like this. but its so exhausting. living like this. spending everyday just being miserable as shit, overthinking every single thing i do...i never complain because i never really do anything to help myself so whats the point but...i dunno, just hearing you cry on the phone to me got me thinking for weeks. i-i talked to zayn about it and he agreed with me...okay im waffling now i need to stop"
"no, no you don't. you can tell me anything, i promise" harry slipped his hand into mine and squeezed it. "you don't open up a lot love and i wish you would. i love living life with you and getting to know you more everyday"

"i love living life with you too" i told him quietly. as i gazed into his gorgeous green eyes. "im not going anywhere, i promise" i wrapped my arms round his waist and leaned my head on his chest, his heart beat steady. his arms went round my neck, his head buried in the crook of my neck.
"god i love you" he mumbled.
"i love you more"
"i'm sorry you had a tough time growing up"
"it's fine...well, it's not. but what can i do?"
"hey, you're still young. you have your whole life ahead of you to heal, love, grow"
"i forget that i'm only twenty one" i chuckled softly. "your hair was longer than mine at twenty one"
harry laughed. "it was...oh love i'm so glad we talked about this. i love you so much"