Oh, That Russian Accent

Chapter 33

For the next few hours, Dimitri and I watch some random movies. We're sitting on each end of the couch and the only noise that is here is from the TV. My mind is whirling with thoughts. Why can't I meet his family? Are they dead or in prison? Is it because he's embarrassed by me?

I can't deal with tension and my thoughts anymore, so I stupidly decide to just ask him.

"Why?"

"Why what?" He asks me, pausing the movie in the meantime.

"Why can't I meet your parents? Or just at least know something about them?" I elaborate.

"Because I say so."

"But that's not an answer, Dimitri. I'm going crazy over here. Is it because you're embarrassed by me? Is that why?"

"I am not embarrassed by you!" He says, raising his voice and sits up straighter.

"Then what is it?!" I yell back at him. Maybe I am just overreacting, but this is too sketchy, even for me.

When Dimitri doesn't answer me, I say in a quiet voice, "I have given you - given this relationship everything I can. I told you about my mom, I let you inside - I let you see the real me. I told you about my insecurities and I gave you my trust. I even slept with you for God's sake. And you know why I did all that?.. Because I love you, you idiot."

By now I'm sobbing quietly but I continue, making my voice stronger in the process, "But you? You give me nothing! I don't know who your family is, or if you even have one. I don't even know who you are. All I'm asking for is some information - Your mother's name? A brother? Even a fuckin' cat's name? Anything."

When Dimitri still isn't saying anything, I continue, "Dimitri, I am willing to fight for this, 'cause it's that damn good. But you need to meet me halfway. I can't fight for this relationship all by myself... Say something."

Dimitri doesn't even look into my eyes, as I say this. The tears are streaming down my face, as he stays quiet and that's when it hits me. He isn't going to say anything. I just told him that I love him, but he's too stubborn to say anything at all?

"I have been so fuckin' gullible, thinking you want this as much as I do when in reality, you clearly don't. This is the last straw, Dimitri. I'm done. We're done," I tell him and stand up from the couch. I give him one last look, pleading for him to say anything, so I can crawl right back to him. But nothing comes, he doesn't even want to fight for me, for us. I sniffle quietly, as I quickly gather my stuff and walk out of his apartment without giving him another glance.

When I feel the fresh air hit me, I break down. Full sobs come out of me, as I walk in the direction of my dorm room. I can't believe this. Dimitri and I are really over. Everything just escalated so quickly, I don't even understand what happened. But then again, I know this is for the best, even though it doesn't feel like it at this moment. Dimitri isn't ready for our relationship and I'm starting to wonder if he ever was.

I finally arrive at my dorm and I jump straight into bed. I'm feeling lonely, homesick, and my heart is in a million pieces. When I move around to lay on my stomach, I feel the soreness in between my legs. That only reminds me that I gave Dimitri my virginity, and how lovely it was to experience that with him. I don't even regret giving it to him, even after everything that has happened.

I text my Dad a quick goodnight and try to get some sleep.

I toss and turn, trying to get comfortable but it isn't working. At last, I finally fall asleep crying.

*****

When I wake up, I feel like I've been beaten up. My entire body is sore, my eyes are puffy, and I'm so tired. I barely got any sleep last night. All I want to do is fall back asleep and forget all about school, but I know I can't. I can't let this break-up affect my school in any kind of way. My education is above anything else.

I force myself out of bed and gather my bathing stuff, before walking into the shower stalls in the hallway. I've almost forgotten how disgusting showering with other people feels like. I've been so used to showering in private at Dimitri's apartment. The thought of Dimitri makes my eyes begin to water again, so I quickly close the curtain for the shower, so I can cry in peace.

When I'm done with my shower, I walk back into the dorm and throw on some simple jeans and a t-shirt. I still have time for coffee before my first class. I definitely need some to freshen me up. I feel the same way I look - like shit. As I close and lock my door, I cast a glance at Emily's bed. That also reminds me that I need to find some kind of bus-route to the rehab. I will continue my visits even though it will be a lot more difficult now. I have also decided that I won't tell Emily anything about Dimitri and I's break-up. I know she will worry, and I can't put any more shit on her shoulders.

As I step out of the coffee shop, I spot a tall, well-known figure. Instead of acting mature, I do a 180o. Just the sight of him pains me. I take a different route to my class than usual, just to be sure not to see him. I can't handle that right now.

*****

I've managed to get through all my classes today. Now, I just need to get through the last one. The one I have with Dimitri. I've considered just skipping it today, but I can't let him win. I have to face him eventually.

I make my way inside the auditorium and look around. Dimitri is sitting in his usual spot, where I normally sit beside him. I sigh out loud, trying to gather myself so I don't break down in front of him again. I make my way to the back and take a seat beside the creepy guy, that I have always resented. He's just giving out this creepy vibe and I remember the time he tried to "get with me". Dimitri was the one to get me out of that. The only reason I'm sitting here is that there aren't any other seats free, except for the one next to Dimitri. And under no circumstances am I sitting there.

"Hey there," the creepy guy, who I still don't know the name of says.

"Don't talk to me," I tell him sternly, making him shut up. I am in no mood to tolerate any kind of shit today.

The class is over soon and I'm the first one out of there. As soon as I make it into my dorm, I break down. I cry and sob, and it feels like my world is ending. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. But then again, I just lost the only guy I've ever fallen in love with.