Love And Marriage

Chapter 21: Broken

There is nothing, no words to describe the pain I felt when she said those words. Heartbreaking couldn't even begin to describe how the words "I can't find a heartbeat" ripped through my heart. I stopped listening for a moment as I tried to fully grasp those words. I could feel my eyes burn and a lump in my throat form as I tried to hold back the tears.

"Baby, did you hear that? What she just said?" Jesse said shaking me gently on my shoulder. I shook my head no.

"I'm so sorry. I think it was about a week ago that growth stopped. You have a couple of options of how you want to move forward with it." Dr. Carter said as she stopped the ultrasound.

"Okay." I said. Jesse kissed the side of my head and squeezed my hand.

"We can allow it to pass naturally at home and then you can come in a few days later for a check up, or we can give you medication to speed up the process and see if you will pass the tissue here for about six hours. If it doesn't by then we'll send you home and have you wait, it shouldn't take longer than about 48 hours to pass with the medication. Most likely it would pass while you're still here. You'd still come back for the check up in a few days. You don't have to decide now if you don't want to. You can go home and then we can-"

"I want this over with as soon as possible, please. I don't want to wait." I said. Jesse wiped the gel off my stomach.

"Okay, I'll be right back. We're going to move you to another room, give you a gown, and I will come back to talk with you and administer the medicine. I'm so sorry I couldn't give you better news. I really am."

"And you're sure? There's nothing, nothing we can do."

"I'm sorry, once it starts, there's nothing we can do to stop it. Unfortunately the baby hasn't grown in a week."

"Thank you, Dr. Carter." Jesse said before she walked out the door.

"Jay-" Jesse started to say.

"Can you just hold me? I'm sorry Jesse. I know-" He wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed into his neck. He rubbed my back and tried to get me to calm down. I couldn't catch my breath and started gasping for air and he held my face in his hand and said, "I know it hurts right now baby, but you gotta breathe with me okay? Come on just breathe with me. Breathe baby, breathe."

I looked at Jesse's tearful face and struggled to match this breathing. Once I calmed down a little bit, Jesse wiped off my face with a tissue.

"I'm sorry, baby. I know you did everything you could and it's not your fault. But we're going to be okay, I promise you." He said kissing the side of my face and gently rocking me against his body. We looked up as the door opened and the nurse came in.

"Hi, I'm Eva, I'm going to take you to your room and get you your gown. If you need anything, anything at all just let me know okay?" I nodded my head, I didn't have the energy to respond.

"Thanks." Jesse said, helping me to my feet. We walked into the new room. We were in the Obstetrics Ward in the hospital. Dr. Carter had admitting privileges at my hospital and spent half her time at the hospital and the other half at her practice. We got settled in the room since we were going to be here for a while. Jesse put the tv on to some show he knew I liked and helped me get into the hospital gown. I sat on the edge of the bed and Jesse held me close to his chest. We didn't need to say anything, we just needed to feel the other person, both of us getting lost in our thoughts. My head felt like it was spinning one minute, It's a normal day, the next my baby has no heartbeat. The words kept ringing through my head, again and again, I clutched Jesse tighter as I cried again. Jesse kissed my head.

"I don't know- what I did, Jesse." I said in between cries.

"Baby, the doctor said there was nothing you could do. It already happened. Nothing is your fault."