Love And Marriage

Chapter 22: Please Me

"So what are we going to do for your birthday?" Jesse asked. I looked up at Jesse from my plate of spaghetti. We were having dinner, one of the only nights Jesse got home before eight or nine at night.

"Nothing. You know I don't feel like being around people. This is not one of those times where I say I don't want anything but I actually do. I mean I want to spend a quiet evening at home like we did for your birthday. That's it." I replied.

"What if I already made plans six months ago?"

"I'll go if it doesn't involve people."

"It does but not people we know, is that okay?"

"Whatever."

"Jay, I'm trying to cheer you up."

"Maybe I don't want to be cheered up. Maybe I'm just going to be in a crappy mood for a while."

"Or maybe you can try to not be in a crappy mood and surprise yourself by having fun."

"Shut up." I said, getting up from the table and walking out the kitchen.

"Baby, don't be mad. Just trying to get a smile out of you." Jesse said. He caught up to me and wrapped his arms around me.

"I don't feel like it, I don't feel like anything, Jess." I said. It seemed like I went from pure sadness to straight numbness. Just a complete inability to feel any emotion. And I had to give Jesse credit, he really tried to get me out of this funk. But until he was willing to open up to me and talk to me and stop pretending it didn't happen, I don't think there was anything he could do.

"I'm sorry." He said, kissing the side of my head.

"Me too. But, it won't be this way forever, right?" I said.

"I promise." We went back to the kitchen to finish eating. Everyday was like this. Us, pretending to not notice the elephant in the room, me trying to get Jesse to talk about it, him trying to get me to forget about it. There was a definite tension in the air. Luckily though, Jesse had gotten his mom to give us space, but she was probably too busy babysitting Shaun anyway, to come visit. Diana had been coming over our house everyday after school, or after hanging out with her friends because she just couldn't stand to be around Shaun. It was nice having her here, especially since Jesse kept working late or taking classes late or whatever he was doing in his new career plan. For a few hours she'd help me with whatever I needed or I'd help her with homework and listen to her high school problems and complaints. Just for a few minutes my mind was occupied with something that wasn't babies and stress and a million other unpleasant things.

"You remember how I was supposed to go to L.A. this week?" Jesse said. I looked at him and somehow I just knew that whatever he was about to say was going to be some bullshit. He just had that slightly guilty look in his eyes, a little twitch by his lip. I just had to wait for the bomb to blow up.

"Are you still going?"

"Yeah to film the video, even though my deal didn't go through the duet and the music video is still on the table, so I'm still going to do it. It would be great exposure."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I said. There's no way he's still thinking about going to L.A. now, after I just had a miscarriage, to do a probably romantic song with his ex.

"Don't trip, it's just a business opportunity." He said. He clearly believes his own shit.

"Jesse, you're not seriously thinking of doing this. I know you wouldn't be that insensitive and stupid."

"I know it's coming at a bad time but-" he started.

"A bad time? A bad time? Jess, a bad time is when you're swamped at work, a bad time is when your car is in the shop, a bad time is when you break a bone. A bad time is inconvenient and puts you in a bind, that's a bad time. The time to fuck off to L.A. to record a song and a, a, a video with your ex, two weeks after your wife has a fucking miscarriage is not just bad time! It's, it's beyond a bad time! What the hell is wrong with you?" I yelled at him. My fist slammed the table, everything clattering and falling loudly.