Love And Marriage

Chapter 25: Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

I pulled the flour and seasoning out of the pantry. I was going to Air-fry some chicken for dinner. Tonight we were having Jesse's mom and her friend over for dinner. We had a lot to discuss and I couldn't wait. I know Jesse had a lot to get off his chest. I checked on the mac and cheese in the oven and the green on the stove. Jesse was out with Diana, buying her first Homecoming Dress and halloween costume, and new phone. Her school was weird because their Homecomings were always the first week of November and that always seemed late to me. She was really upset because her mom said she couldn't take her, so Jesse went with her. I wondered how they were doing because I could not imagine them finding a good costume the day before halloween. I told Jesse to buy me a costume, so hopefully he didn't come back with something stupid.

After I put the chicken in the fryer, I sat down in the living room and grabbed my phone. Jesse's brother was most likely going to take a plea deal, and have to go to court ordered rehab. His mom was going to go with him for his preliminary hearing. Jesse was still very angry about the whole situation as was Diana. I felt bad for Di because she never really got to see Shaun in his better years. After the incident with Shaun, Diana had been really clingy with Jesse, she was always up under him trying to get him to do things with her. Jesse and I were worried about how she was handing everything but overall she seemed to be fine.

I scrolled through Instagram until a picture of Monique came by and she was cradling the beginning of a baby bump with the caption "4 ½ months." I could feel my heart hurt as I looked at her baby bump. The pain never really went away I just got better at ignoring it. As much as I tried to move on, I really missed being pregnant, I missed the annoying morning sickness, I missed wondering if it was a boy or a girl. And as happy as I was for Monique in this moment I was jealous. Why could she and I couldn't? What had she done that I didn't? I felt so ashamed but I wanted what she had so badly. I hit like, left a nice comment and tossed my phone across the couch. I put my head in my hands. Jesse was so excited to try again, and I couldn't not try after hearing him talk about it. But a part of me would always feel this loss and would always be grieving and always wondering what ifs and why and how. Jesse was so excited for the future but sometimes I felt like I was stuck in the past. The alarm went off for the chicken and I got up and pulled them out. I cut the oven off and left everything in there to stay warm and went to the living room. I pushed all the furniture in the middle of the living room to the side and set up a folding table. Because we didn't have a dining room and the kitchen was too small, this was the protocol for having guests over. The next house needed to have a dining room.

I heard the key turn in the door. I walked over, hopefully that was Jesse and Diana. When the door opened Jesse walked in and I asked

"How did it go?" 

Diana stomped up the stairs with bags in her hand saying "I look ugly in everything!"

Jesse kissed me quickly, and said, "I need a drink." and walked into the kitchen. I went after him.

"So I'm guessing it didn't go the best?"

"Yeah, no. The phone was fine, she was due for an upgrade anyway, costumes weren't bad but when it got to the dresses we fell apart real quick. She started crying and getting frustrated, then we found a dress that didn't have her size. It was rough but we ended up getting a dress and she doesn't really like it. I'm so tired." He said as he opened a beer.

"You want a hug?" I said. He held his arms out. I filled his arms and buried my head into his chest, smelling his cologne.

"Are you smelling me?" He said.

"Yes, you smell really good. Now when will your mom get here? I don't want the food to dry out." I said.

"Any minute, weirdo. You set our ratchet dining table nice." he said. I laughed.