Troubling Love

Letting go and getting closer.

Sarah found herself playing with her food, picking at it, wishing it would disappear. After her argument with Elle she found her appetite decreasing, she tried to swallow the food whole but even that was a difficult task. Stefani hadn't come downstairs to join Sarah for breakfast so she figured that her mother was still sleeping. Elle on the other hand had locked herself in her room, Bo had dropped off food for her but that was the only interaction Elle had with someone after the fight. Sarah placed her fork on the napkin that laid beside her plate, she leaned back in her chair as she let out a shaky breath, there were days where Sarah felt like things might get a little better but then in the most random moments breathing became difficult again, overthinking was the only type of thinking in her mind that was available, and her smile was replaced with tears. Sarah found herself creating a world in her head, a fake world, but it was a world she wished she lived in. In the world she created she was genuinely happy, the world was at peace, and everyone was okay. She often found herself stuck in the universe she created, but at night, when her mind was to tired to pretend, she forgot how to feel. She'd cry, listen to the only songs that understood her, and constantly craved to feel pain.

That was her deepest secret, she would often cut.

The last time she remembered cutting was right before her mother came home from her trip. Before she put herself to sleep she remembered grabbing the sharp object and dragging it against her skin. It was painful, but it was the only thing she craved. She didn't mind that she was hurting herself, but if you would've asked her 4 years ago if self harm was horrible she would've said yes. Now, hurting herself seemed like the only way to calm herself. Though it hurt, she craved to feel that pain, she craved to feel the burning sensation after her skin was scratched. She always had faint, white, lines on her arm that were only noticeable if you looked close enough so nobody ever saw. But the teenager couldn't help but wish that someone would see that scars, look her in the eyes, and hug her. That's all she wanted. But no one ever saw her silent screams and begs for help, though her eyes often showed the hidden side of her.

But nobody ever noticed.

Sarah heard a small thud as someone walked down the stairs. She saw her mother walking down the stairs with a bright smile on her face, a smile that wouldn't last. Stefani walked over to her daughter, kissing her on the forehead, "Good morning beautiful baby." Stefani cooed. Sarah forced a smile on her lips, "Morning." Stefani sat down next to her daughter, Bo walked into the dining room, "Ah, good morning Stef, here's your breakfast. Let me know if you need anything." Stefani kindly thanked her, "Morning Bo, thank you, everything looks delicious." Bo thanked her and excused herself. Stefani looked over at her daughter, "I've got something to ask you baby." Stefani started. Sarah looked up at her, "What is it?" Her mother sighed, "Well I have a meeting for Haus Laboratories and I was wondering if you'd like to come along." Stefani offered. Sarah tiled her head in confusion, "You never ask me to come with you anymore. What changed your mind?" Stefani smiled, "Well, I think that if I'm going to fix this relationship with you that we should spend more time together. What do you say pretty girl?" Asked Stefani. Sarah nodded her head eagerly, "I'd love to go with you." She accepted. Stefani smiled in awe, "Good, I'm glad you'd like to tag along. Go get dressed my love, I'm going to finish breakfast and have a conversation with your sister. I'll let you know when I'm ready to go." Stefani replied. Sarah hesitantly nodded her head before starting towards the stairs knowing in the back of her head that Stefani's conversation wasn't going to go well. A lump of guilt hid in Sarah throat, she tried to swallow it but it remained there. The 17 year old wanted to tell her mother about the argument she had with Elle but she didn't want to stress Stefani out anymore. Not that keeping secrets from her mother was going to do much for her either.

Elle sat in her bed, hugging her knees as she began to hiccup from crying so much. Her breathing became unsteady, she started to hyperventilating, her vision was blurred from the tears, and her face began to feel numb. The girl was gasping for air, panicked that she couldn't breathe properly. A light knock on the door was heard but Elle couldn't get anything out, the 18 year old couldn't even from a sentence. She placed her hand over her mouth, attempting to silence her heavy breathing mixed with loud sobs. Breath, Elle, breath. The girl tried to repeat that to herself but the sobs only got louder, Elle tried to stand but found herself collapsing on the ground, hugging her knees. "Elle?! Baby?!" A panicked voice said from outside the girls door. Stefani busted open the door finding her daughter curled up on the floor, "Elle!" The blonde immediately ran over to her child. She sat next to her daughter, lifting the tiny girl onto her lap, rocking her back in forth. "Elle, baby, breath. Your fine darling, I've got you." Elle was too tired to fight back, no matter how many times her mind urged for the girl to remove herself from Stefani's arms, her weak body couldn't handle it. The teenager sobbed until she couldn't anymore, until all she felt was emptiness. She wasn't happy, she wasn't sad, she felt numb. Elle laid in her mothers arms, forgetting how much she hated her, how much she wanted her gone. No words were exchanged between the two, Stefani didn't know what to say. As for Elle, she had no desire to speak. The teenager slowly came back into reality, once she realized who's arms she was in, she immediately tried to get out of Stefani's grip, though her mother wasn't going to let her go that easily. Stefani held her down, "Mom, please let me go." Elle begged. Stefani laid Elle's head on her chest, "Shh, baby please don't fight me. Just calm down." Elle tried to escape but her body was too restless, "Mom please don't do this." Tears rolled down Elle's cheeks. Stefani softly caressed the top of Elle's head, "What're you afraid of darling?" Her mother asked in confusion. The 18 year old once again tried to lift her body but found herself stuck in the same place, "Mom, let me go. I can't allow myself to give in. I won't. Because then you'll do the same thing, I'll trust you, and then you'll leave and completely shatter my heart." Elle replied, letting out a shaky breath. Stefani closed her eyes, she felt like she had been punched in the face. Though there were a lot of people who had given up on the pop star, she never dared to think that Elle would be one of them. Moments that were now memories flooded Stefani's head,