My Journal

Nuovo Capitolo

So I've moved back to one place I could not ever have thought of before in my entire life. To my hometown. And I know the way I tell it makes it sound as a horrible place, but in reality it is not. That was just the poor perspective of a young angry teenager, who didn't know how to appreciate things as a sensible person should always do.

I'm here writing this in the most unusual of places since I have a very good reason to. Despite my deep love for handwritting, sometime my hand gets insanely tired because of the long writings and I've got to stop and some point even if I want to continue writing for hours and hours. That's why I choose the laptop for a while for my writings and let my hand get some rest at last.

I initiated this with the purpose of writing something in especific but now I've quite forgotten what it was, I think because there's currently too much in my mind that I get zero space to make sense at pretty much everything. And that's kinda idiotic. I was listening to Jacob today (yes, the tarotist) and got a very good advice that suited me excellent at the current moment. Even when I'm so calm right now, even when I've been quite patient and my energies are at the highest, I still have got to sort things out and get on going. That means, that I've got to organize my messy thoughts, erase the ones that have no longer use and filter every single one of them so that I can start on working in both my mental and physical self.

So now I'm gonna write down the ones that I find the most important ones and that are draining me the most, and are gonna go down in a list form through each one of them trying to be concise.

So I've now spoken to Ivan, and know that his feelings for me are still complicated, which... I think it wasn't entirely a surprise. That means we have no friendship to work on, and that I've got to move on. It saddens me to find out he's not yet able to love me for who I am and to share with me, but there's literally nothing I can do about that. The only thing I know with certainty is I love him dearly, I care about him a whole deal, and that I'll always be there for him. Even if I would prefer to leave out his help for my return to Germany, I still need it. What relieves me tho is the fact that now I've got the strength enough to go on by myself, and that the help that I need from him is not that much. It sumarizes itself to the beginning of my return and that's it. Respecting our relationship, whatever it may currently be, I'll just have to wait till then and figure out then if I should still be after it. That'll only we know when I'm back face to face with him. At least I know I keep my word, and that my feelings for him are true. Here's nothing more to search for nor to hope for. It is what it is.

This leads me then to someone else too. Jöri. One of my current "illusions". I mark the word illusion because even if it is kind of one, I am not pretending something terminal, and I'm not to be dissappointed or heart broken if it does not happen anything at all between us. It passed quite some time since I couldn't bear thinking of him, talking with him, hearing of him... him in my life. After quite some tortuous time I finally found myself ready to be involved again in some part of his life and him in mine. And it wasn't easy, it was a very solitary road, it was a very hurful one and a very dark one at some point. I never felt like this for someone in my entire life, I never got dumped by someone before, and I never loved someone so madly enought to want to do things no one would dare doing at my age. And he was such a turning point. It happened everything with us and still not enough. And I suffered, but he too suffered, and I did wrong, and he did too, and we collapsed like giantic stars as he would describe it. But all that it's now somewhere else but not in my mind. And after having battled and lost with myself, and at the war having won, I still found myself somewhere where I thought having us in each other's life was right. But even when I told myself I didn't feel like nothing more, even thou I felt kind of differently and even when I tried to behave in another way, at the end I came to realize there was something that was bothering me. I still felt in a very especial way towards him. I still feel attracted, and dazzled at the merely thought of him and I... in some randoom night I found out I still had all this storming and gigantic feelings for him that I thought it'd be stupid of me not to let them out in the world. I've opened and exposed myself entirely to him, and given him in words and thoughts everything I can right now. And this has been such a shockingly surprise for both of us, that our lifes I sense are turning to another totally different direction. And I got so scared when I told him all this, not only because he was now acknowledging it, but also because it became true. Even when I was writing all that and feeling all that, I still hadn't assimilated what was about to happen with something like that out in the universe. But reassuring myself with who I am now, testing my patient again and bringing myself to solitude made me realize I wasn't wrong at all with what I was doing. And it was real, and true, and pure. Yes, he's got so many flaws, so many that'll be a challenge, but also I know that I'm so ready to bear them and tame them, and erase them or change them. Yes, he's done me so much wrong, but also he's meant so much to me that I barely can think of someone else with just him in my head. Yes, there are many contra things I could write in here regarding him, but the fact that I can barely find enough or fit words for this of what I'm feeling for him, and for us, and for me, and for everything that's possible between us is just most probably a prove of what this could only mean.

People may think I'm kind of mad by saying what I'm about to say. But it is what it is. And intuition and feelings are never to be mistaken. I think he and I have met somewhere else sometime else in another life. I think we may have been lovers back then, or either coudn't because of who knows what. Because of this strong connection I feel constantly with him, I'm starting to think and to believe soulmates do exist. Because of this sense I get almost daily, as if he were there right next to me, I can't silence myself anymore and pretend there's nothing to see in here. Yes, this is what I'm feeling, this is what I'm constantly experiencing, and gott sei dank I'm not the only one, but also he does. If this is not prove enough for the existence of something superior in our connection, I don't know then what I could feel if the one wasn't him. Because if this is strong enough and crazy enough to drive me mad and unsensible, I couldn't ever imagine what could happen with the right person.

So that's basically what's happening around my love life, and well... other things of great importance are also happening at the moment. I know the current path is not the wrong one, I feel it, I've seen it, and I've liked it. I feel kind of passionate not because of what my career per se studies, but for what I could do with those instruments further on in a future that may need all the scientific research possible from the newbies of this generation. We are writing history, humanity's history, but what we're currently doing is not the perfect choice. So we've got to redefine how we've been conciving life for at least the last hundred years, because we've been doing it all wrong. If we want to survive, and have a brilliant future, this is the spot where we've got to take action and prevent the foreseeing disaster with our current economic models, and our current politics and trade policies and so on. There are a bunch of variables that are involved in this, but most importantly and too schockingly, the life itself has got to change. And I think I now know what I want to do. Nature is one of the things that I'm most passionate about, and I can't deny for its sake I am studying what I'm currently studying. But I don't stop there. There are other several aspects in life I feel aswell very passionate about, and that is art. Art in all its forms. And I think I should start mixing them. Creating meaningful art. As you may know, I am crazy about photographing and drawing. From both photography and filmmaking is one of the things that gets me going through any given time. And I think anytime I should be very ready to make commitments that help me support the cause through my chosen career and through the eye of my lenses. So that's one point to get clear, meaningful art towards saving the planet and fighting climate change is one of my main targets.

There are other projects I've been delaying in the last few years that now should take place. Like writing a book. Since I was a kid I've always wanted to write one, and I know one day I'll have mine in my hands and in the hands of thousands, still, if I want it, I think now is the moment to get on going with it. I've waited too long, and now I have the tools and the patient and passion, and these stories behind me... these nightmares and too strange dreams I get almost every night. If not now, then when?

And also there's the main goal of next year: returning to my habitat. Haha, that sounded weird, I know, but it is kind of true. Germany has been a home to me, with all its flaws and problems and traumas, but there I have created a live I think I won't ever want to renounce to. So all this time in solitude and this self reflexion and work on myself and starting projects have got to do with setting all ready for my return to the promised land. I'm quite tranquil about it, because I know it'll happen in the right time, and that I am not more anxious about getting there as soon as possible. It used to be very hard for me at the beginning to adapt to so many changes, and it was even harder to get out of that dark bubble and finally find myself. It's all been a great great challenge, but that'll have its rewards by the time I set foot there, even before. Even now the fruits of my workings are showing, slowly but steady, and I couldn't feel better. Finally I start to live.

Cosi sia.