One last chance

Chapter 32

[Mbalenhle]
"You don't have to say anything to me" he reprimanded i shook my head in disagreement at that.

"I want to, i want you to know the exact person you want" i responded i took a brief moment to collect myself, i reminded myself not to break down , not yet anyway.

"After my fathers death everything was hard on me, i was still mourning his death when i found out i was pregnant , honestly i was devastated my first thoughts were how was i suppose to provide for a child, a huge part of me honestly wanted to get rid of the child , i wanted to just abort and move on but i couldn't, i couldn't deny my child that and am greatful that i didn't persue that idea, my bursary got hold of my hospital records and the bursary was confiscated i was kicked out of res, i was alone and pregnant, my future just went down the drain just like that, as if things weren't hard enough at 7 months i gave birth to a premature baby she had breathing problems, it doesn't sound scary but trust me it was scary, the was this one night a week after she was released from hospital, that night i woke up as usual and wanted to feed her , she wasn't breathing my child wasn't breathing " the tears roll down as i imagine that night" i was so scared that i asked our neighbor to take us to the hospital, i was relived when she started breathing again, until that day i never got sleep at night, i would stay awake all night watching her checking if she was breathing" i wiped the tears " i had a plan for the following year, apply for funding and look for a part rime job to support my child , but as usual our government is failing us and unemployment in South Africa is high ,a person i assume was a friend introduced me to importing drugs across the world, i must admit it was good money and i was able to take Lwethu to private hospital for her regularly checkup , she still had breathing problems even after 3 years one could say she was claustrophobic she still is , 3 years later i was done with my degree and i was ready to give up that whole life,Lwethu was my life and i didn't want to risk my life by that, a day after my last mission Lwethu got sick, knowing how public hospitals were i burrowed money on dangerous people and took her to hospital she was diagnosed with Plague infection and because of her lung condition it almost killed her, thats when things went south , the payment was suppose to be the last mission i had before i put my degree to use , the person i thought was a friend set me up because of her insecurities with her boyfriend, and i was arrested, i was sented to 5 years in prison, the first year at the jail was hard,i was the newbie which meant i get it, i was the target of the prisoners, i would get bitten up by others and i endure it, i isoleted myself from others, i played far but i didn't get better i wanted to at good so i could have parole ,third year i even remember that time , i was in the bathroom taking a shower before i was a target as usual ,this time it was different because she put me in the corner and inserted her fingers on my vagina, i remember how i winced and she enjoyed it , when she was satisfied she left me there, it kept going on every time i was in the bathroom for a week until i got tired , i sharpen my toothbrush like i had seen my roommate and went to the bathroom, she tried to do that but i stabbed her straight on her shoulder that she feel on the bathroom and the blood filled the whole room, i don't remember being that scared, i had killed her and everything was comfirmed when i was put on solitary confinement for 3 weeks, each day i couldn't sleep because every time i close my eyes i saw her dead face and two days before i was released from solitary confinement 5 men came in, they took turns feasting themselves on me , i begged and begged but it fell on deaf ears, they continued till i felt numb ,they continued even after that until i passed out, i woke up in hospital because i lost too much blood as the doctor said that, when i returned from the hospital i attended my hearing in jail and 4 years sentence was added on my sentence, i found out i was pregnant 4 weeks later but just like other women i was forced to abort, this continued the rape, and the abortion  was a norm too , according to my calculation i had about 5 abortion in just 2 years , i couldn't take it thats when i had a sexual relationship with my roommate, i never enjoyed it but she did, protection was all i needed from her and i got it, she protected me from the prisoners but it wasn't enough to the guards, yet again i was raped and this time yet again i got pregnant, when they forced me to abort i found a new doctor, i begged him and beg until he agreed i kept the baby, 5 months later i was transferred to a special prison for pregnant women and the other who had children, my pregnancy was great when i went to find out the gender thats when the doctor told me ,i was carying a stillborn, i was schedule to operation to remove the stillborn, i remember holding his cold body, i tightly held him on my chest and waiting for him to cry, i begged him to cry, his cold body was right here, right on my chest , he didn't, he didn't cry for me and he was gone ,my son was gone Qhawe and the was nothing i could do, 5 children , five of them and non of them survived , when i moved back to prison , i was heart broken , i never saw my son again, i was in denial until it finally sunk in,he was gone , my sole felt like it was snatched out of my body , i didn't find any thing to continue living, not even the thought of lwethu being motherless did stop me from doing so, i didn't care , i didn't care about the rape ,the beating i didn't,they actually made me cope, i needed to feel a physical pain in order to cope ,3 years later i was released,when i arrived back in south africa i thought my life was back to normal, i thought i was given finally one last chance until ofcause Mo came back to my life,i didn't have a choice , i couldn't allow it, the thought of what he would do to Lwethu scared me when he threathened me, he threathened to prostitute Lwethu and i knew he was not lying, I've  seen his doing that to even children younger than Lwethu and i sacrificed myself , he enjoyed himself but all that mattered to me was that lwethu was safe that's all I've been trying to do with my life" i wiped the tears i was now sobbing "that's me , thats who Mbalenhle is "i said before silence engulf us and my sobbing filled my room and he kept comforting me , his jaw was clenched so tightly that you would think they would shatter.

"I get that you trying to be a good mother but Enhle when last had you did things for you, when last did you try to make Mbalenhle happy" he said .

"Thandolwethu is happy so i have no reason to be sad, you don't understand Lwethu is my life " i said he shook his head.

"You've alwags evolved your life around our daughter and am happy that you are but you also need to focus sometimes on Mbalenhle and make her happy, and Therapy is a start don't you think" he took a deep breath "I'll be here every step of the way just allow me to help you heal"