One last chance

chapter 45

[Mbalenhle]
"You acting like you meeting my parents for the first time babe" Qhawe says rolling his eyes, my hands are sweaty this happens everytime i meet his parents.

"Okay lets go" i say wiping my hands on the dress am wearing, we exit the car together and he tucks his hand on my waist as a loud laughter fills our ears , Lwethu is focused on the phone that her father baught for her on her 13th birthday welcoming her on teenage life.

"Maka'Mxolisi,Baka'Mxolisi " Qhawe greets his parents and i soon follow doing the same, am introduced to Mxolisi's kids one is Lwandile 16 years old, Andiswa 14 years,Nonkululeko 9 years and Zama 5 years old a cutie pie, after catching up and everything we finally dine.

"Am seeing some glowing "Qhawekazi says wiggling her eyebrows i chuckle knowing what she means by that , Qhawe finally tells them the news and everyone is fussing about it congratulating me.

"Qhawe tells me you haven't been okay since the news" the kids had left the table and decided to dine in the room eating pizza only Zama who isn't letting her father go anytime soon i can see this one has his father wrapped around her finger, i give Qhawe an eye before her mother.

"Yeah it's just my previous expirience with my pregnancies hadn't been ideal plus losing my son makes me want to bond with my children yet again want to protect myself from a heartache " i answer honestly she nods her head at that the table fills with silence.

"Qhawe was just brushing it off because i know he wouldn't understand your fears, me of all people understand your fears , it takes someone who's been there at some point to understand " she stops fanning her face with her hand. "Am sorry for being emotional right now " she says her eyes shining with tears , i nod in understanding.

"I know your fears because at sone point I've been there , totally inexperienced because i had a toddler born full term before and now at 30 weeks i had contractions, i didn't understand what was wrong and to me the triplets coming early didn't mean something will happen i didn't think about that and they were born, i remember when the doctors unlike the two they handed her to me , finding out she was underweight and her lungs hadn't developed was hard but the hardest was losing Nkanyezi, losing a child is a parents worst nightmare, you start questioning yourself, you start questioning what you could've done right, you start questioning have i eaten right, wasn't i cautious while pregnant and you blame yourself as a mother when you feel like you failed your child and thats exactly at that time how i felt at that moment losing Nkanyezi was the worst feeling ever and at that time i wasn't provided the luxury to face everything properly with 2 newborns and eventually when i start getting over the death of my daughter and i became pregnant when the doctor informed me then it was okay what know was the kids okay, would i reach full term, will there be no complication and my worst nightmare was the doctor informing me about complication of carying Quinteplets what stood out was him saying, the is possibility the Quints weren't going to make it and he even suggested i abort, then the doctors weren't taught much about more than triplets but i couldn't, i couldn't lose other children again and the possibility of harming my own child was..." she stops as she blows her nose wiping the tears off with the tissue on the table provided, i try blinking the tears away but i fail as they roll down and wipe them quickly.

"And i wanted so badly to prove them wrong, to prove that Quinteplets can make it and be healthy but...but yet again my fears sky rockets , i lost Nkanyezi at 30 weeks old and now the Quinteplets were born at 28 weeks old , finding out one of the Quinteplets had complications , history was repeating itself , his lungs weren't fully developed, he couldn't breath properly, the pain was worse , it felt like i was losing him all over , as much as i tried protecting myself from those negative thoughts i was a mother with fears, back yet again to blaming myself, thinking how i could have done right and yet again he was diagnosed with Nystagmus which i didn't even know what that was, it was so unfair that at just 6 weeks old he was faced with that , it felt like am failing him, and the four were discharged first , i had to divide my time then because when am home i felt like am needed at hospital and the same when am in hospital , now the hospital wanted to perfom surgery the mother in me refuse to go ahead with it and it took him convincing me to realise i was being selfish and i was depriving him the important thing" she wipes her tears away.

"I guess the fears are understandable but you just have to learn to bond and focus on your best protecting the kids because you can't change the future, what will happen is something you cannot change, don't miss the important things in your pregnancy while looking at the future" she says as her husband holds her tightly.

"I lost a son at 28 weeks and the same as Lwethu, when she was born she was 28 weeks old and had complications, she couldn't breath on his own, i remember a week after she was discarged, i woke up in the middle of the night and she wasn't breathing, it scares me that what if i had lost her that moment, when i took her to hospital i was scared and i don't want to go back there again, my goal now is atleast reaching 32 weeks because i know the isn't a chance of me carrying full term"