But I Still Want You | Jikook ✓

Chapter 2: I'm Just a Lonely Hatter

Jimin

Have you ever felt self-hatred so strong that you don't look at yourself and you hide yourself in baggy, dull clothing in order to hide yourself? Dress in a way that's as inconspicuous as possible as to not draw attention to yourself? Do you walk with your head down and with a largely brimmed hat shading your face from onlookers?

Have you ever felt so lonely that part of you yearns to be used? To be touched in any way, where you dream of any type of relationship as long as it grants you attention? Do you find yourself yearning for abusive touch because you feel that it's all you can get?

I close my eyes, running my fingers over my body as I try to imagine another person being the owner of the hand. My breath hitches as I picture the wizard from before. He never told me his name. But, I never told him mine.

Does he wonder about me? I breathe heavily, shaking. Does he regret not asking my name? Or does he like the mystery?

My hand doesn't stray anywhere inappropriate, but when you're so starved of touch, anything sets your senses on overdrive. I'm surprised I didn't die of a heart attack with the closeness he displayed yesterday. He held me tightly. His chest was pressed to my back. His warm breath surrounded me. I don't really think I'm attracted to him. But it is nice to imagine him being attracted to me.

"Yeah, as if." I stand up from my bed and walk over to my vanity to stare at the makeup that Jin had bought me. My fingers ghost over the objects and I feel my heart rate increase. Could this make me beautiful?

My fingers trail over my lips and I close my eyes, wondering how it would feel to have them kissed. Since I never had a permanent parental figure, I never really felt any type of intimacy of the sort. Jin and Hoseok are the only ones I've really experienced skinship with. But even then, it's not really intimate unless I'm in a bad state of mind to the point where they can tell. Part of me is upset that I mostly get touched out of pity, but I don't have it in me to care since I take what I can get.

I look away from the makeup and put on a hat. "This better suits you. An old man, that's what you are better suited for. Where the standards of beauty and behavior are different. Where people have to respect you." I chuckle, imagining it. "You will never fit in until you are ninety."

The sound of the bell from the door downstairs interrupts my train of thought and I furrow my eyebrows, open my door, and cautiously descend the staircase.

"I thought I locked the door," I whisper to myself. "How did they get in?"

Once I reach the shop, I look around. Maybe it's my boss? "Sir? Sir, is that you?"

No response.

I swallow. "If this is a customer, I regret to inform you that we're closed—"

"That's fine. I didn't want any of your ugly hats anyway." The person reveals themself. Their brown eyes are cruel and their smirk fiendish. It's a direct contrast from their clear, mocha complexion and regal, midnight afro. I swallow, entranced by their beauty. It's like they're constantly sliding on the gender spectrum, each second possessing a different level of femininity, masculinity, and androgyny. They're gorgeous and demand attention. They look like royalty.

"E-Excuse me," I stutter, annoyed by the gorgeous person's put downs of my work. "I'd like to kindly ask you to leave."

"That's fine, I didn't plan on staying anyway." Their voice comes out like a dark melody, their tone a venomous sweet. They stalk closer to me, their presence suffocating me. "You really are a wretched creature. I still can't believe that it's you."

"It's me?" I furrow my eyebrows, shakily holding my hands out. "Leave now. I don't want to have to call the police."

Suddenly, they rush at me and I scream, dropping down and tucking into myself to protect my internal organs when I feel a fiery sensation envelop my entire being.

Lava runs through my veins as nerves wail in agony. I scratch at my throat, feeling as if I'm choking. I can't breathe. It hurts too much. All I see is red. What do I do? What do I do? Won't someone save me? Will he save me?

Blackness takes over and I lose consciousness, my last thoughts a prayer to not wake up.

Author's Note: I'm sorry for the short chapter! I just wanted to make the chapter about this. Also, yes, I made the character black. And no, it's not because they're a villain. I just wanted some diversity, as the original movie has all white characters. This setting is not Korea, please keep this in mind when reading. I didn't want to have an all-Korean cast either, so I will be adding more ethnicities throughout the story. I am actually black (what a shocker), so please be patient with my vision!

What do you think? Do you like my decision to have a nonbinary character? I haven't seen a lot of diversity in the Jikook books I've read yet, so I thought it'd be fun to incorporate it myself.

Make sure to take care and love yourself as best as you can.

With lots of love,

-BBM