Take Care

Disenchanted

There are a few things I've never understood about progress. One of them being the inevitable problems. If you know that you will have to continually backtrack and you know people will get hurt, then what's the point of even trying? Or at least that's what I use to think. I have realized in the past year or so that in order to get to new places, you must venture out of old places. Maybe you might find yourself back in the old place one day. And if that happens, you can't make everyone else go back too.

It has been a week since Gerard's incident and he's been avoiding the subject. Spending an extra hour at work, sleeping in longer, and listening to his music very loud. I began to think that maybe I was only being nosy. Maybe it was none of my business why he was at the bar? Maybe it was none of my business why after being sober for so long, he Suddenly went back to his old ways? The more I thought about it the more curious I became. Except it wasn't only curiosity, it was also fear. I feared that whenever he was alone, he'd be doing something stupid. I feared that somehow he'd get hurt and I feared I wouldn't be able to help him. I feared for Bandit because I knew I wouldn't be able to raise her on my own and I knew Gerard's mother didn't have much longer to live herself.

I was sitting on my bed now, criss cross with my head in my hands. What the hell was I supposed to do? Sometimes, it all became to much and I wish I didn't have to face it. I wished that I wouldn't have to see his sunken eyes or Bandit's tears. I wished that I didn't have constant fear. I wish I didn't have tocdeal with other people's problems when I had my own. I wished I didn't have to pretend to be happy for our daughter. I wished I didn't have to always be the hero and not be thanked. Sometimes, I wished I wouldn't to wake up.

I was crying now and I was glad Bandit was at school. I was glad to be alone. I didn't bother wiping away my rolling tears and I didn't sorry about my rawing cheeks. I didn't care how ridiculous I sounded.

A moment later, I heard the bedroom door creak open. I quickly looked up, startled. "Sorry, I didn't mean to-" he began and stopped, noticing my state. I rolled my eyes and recovered my face. "Aw Frankie, what's wrong?" He cooed, seating himself next to me. How was I supposed to tell him that it was because of him, that he caused this. Not intentionally, of course but the fact remained the same. "Nothing." I lied and I knew he wouldn't believe me. He wrapped his arms around my body.

He didn't ask any more questions. I leaned my head against his shoulder And he began to sing. I was very familiar with the song, one of Mikey's favorites. It was Disenchanted and it was hard to stay awake during. It was even more difficult considering I hadn't slept well all week. Now, I was more at ease than I had been in months. Maybe even years.

Just as I was drifting off, he gently shifted out from under me and laid me down. I let him pull a blanket over my shoulders and kiss my cheek. By the time the song was over, I was fast asleep.

I didn't know how long I slept for. All I know is that it was much needed. After waking up and feeling refreshed but strangely confused, I was met with a wonderful odor. I happily rose, and followed the odor in to the hall and down the stairs. Finally, I found myself in the kitchen where the love of my life and a smaller female version of him were seated. He looked up and smiled and for a moment my brain questioned its authenticity but my heart quickly dismissed it. "We were just about to see if you were awake. Its time for dinner." He said, pulling out the chair beside him. If my face was not smiling enough, then my heart definitely was. A moment later, Bandit brought in a large bowl of spagetti and meatballs, my favorite. I thought nothing of it, until she left and returned again with a large white cardboard box. "Why do we have a cake?" I wondered. He smiled and held my hand under the table, "and why are we having your favorite meal?" He teased as though it were obvious. Suddenly Bandit began to jump up and down. "Tomorrow is Halloween!" She cried excitedly.

Tomorrow is my birthday! I had completely forgotten! We always celebrated it the day before so that we could go trick or treating the day of. When we had finished our meal, she pulled a small crudley wrapped box out from under her chair. "I made this in art class." She said nearly shaking with joy. My heart swelled a bit as I carefully unwrapped the gift. It was a picture frame. Decorated with glitter and bright paint and sharpie smiley faces. "The teacher said I should draw something to go inside but I wanted you to choose a picture." She told me proudly. I felt tears begin to prick at the back of my eyes. "Bandit, I love it. I don't know if there's a picture worthy enough to go inside!" I presumed. She smiled a great toothy grin. I plucked her out of her chair and stuck her on my lap. "Did you show daddy?" She asked eagerly. "Its wonderful, darling. Now its my turn." He said almost as excitedly as she had. He pulled a much smaller box from out of his pants pocket and gingerly placed it in my hand. Bandit scrambled off my lap and back to her Own chair. I took the lid off the box and revealed a thin silver chain. The pendant hung on it were two kissing doves. One with a filled in eye and the other with can X'ed out eye. Very much like my tattoo. "Oh, Gee." I whispered in astonishment. "I designed it myself." He told me. My words seemed to loose themselves before leaving my mouth. I cant describe what I felt just then, or I how I felt as he reached behind me to put it on. Probably because I wasn't use to people caring so deeply for me.

After kissing me on the cheek and after Bandit thoroughly inspected my necklace, I realized there was a small piece of paper still in the box. I took it up carefully, trying not to rip it. I unfolded it and read the note.

I'm sorry too
-G