Take Care

Hope

The following morning, I was still on the roof. Bandit was not yet home and Gerard was still missing. So honestly, nothing was new. Nothing had really changed and yet, something felt different. And for the first time in what felt like forever, the feeling was good. I felt positive despite waking up on the roof in an awfully uncomfortable position. I had an odd sense of optimism and I didn't quite know how to handle that. For the amount of time that the warm feeling was present I chose to embrace it. Unfortunately, I did embrace it until I realized what this feeling was called. It was called hope. Fucking hope. One of the escapees of Pandora's box. One of the things that the world would be so much better without. Hope was the sort of thing that built you up like the tallest tree in the forest. The thing is though, it didn't slowly let you down. No, instead it played lumberjack and Quickly cut you down. With no regard for your well being. Then, you fall and most likely won't rise again. And yes, even if no one is around to see it, you will still make a sound. I screwed the Greeks and their Gods aloud, knowing it was far too early for this basic suburban neighborhood to be awake. Why I must I have been cursed with hope on this seemingly sweet Californian morning? I foolishly thought that maybe today was the day. Today Gerard would come home, apologizing for his absense. The three of us, as a family would gather in the living room. Or perhaps even the back yard and he'd tell us about all that he had done over his impromptu departure. He'd be not only healthy but happy. Maybe not just happy and maybe he would remind me that our mutual unconditional love for each other would continue to burn. Then perhaps we'd create a makeshift Fire pit and giggle as Bandit burnt marshmellow after marshmellow. Maybe we'd fall asleep under the stars, pushing worries of mosquitoes and the chill of night aside.

Of course then, I had to convince myself that isn't what would happen today. I let myself down so when night fell I wouldn't he brutally cut down like any other hopeful tree. Trust me when I say that I am not just any other hopeful tree. Oh no, for I am but a depressed little shrub.

-

I unconsciously fell back asleep on the shingles of my roof. Shingles that were slowly gaining heat and it was inevitable that if I did not remove myself soon, I would end up with a scorched back. Realizing these facts, I slid back through the bathroom window, without another moments hesitation.

Still without an empty stomach, I refrained from exploring the kitchen. Instead, I found myself in Gerard's office with my cell phone clutched between my palms. Before I could have second thoughts or merely figure out what to say, my phone was connected with my ear. Oddly enough, the ringing didn't last nearly as long as I had expected.

"Hello?" He questioned seemingly puzzled. "Hi, Mikey." I greeted far too awkwardly, even for myself. "What's up Frank? Is everything alright?" Already I knew that Gerard hadn't gone to Mikey. Then again, why would he? He believed that his brother was better off without him. For a moment I debated on saying I had pressed the wrong contact and everything was just how it always had been. Something came over me, whether it be the hope or what have you, the call to my husbands younger brother did not end there. "Unfortunately not." I sighed, wondering why I was bothering him With what he had tried so hard to get away from. Without giving him a chance to wonder, I answered the questions I knew he was thinking. "He's gone again. It's been two nights now and you know as well as I do that if he's not back by tomorrow morning then this will be his longest disappearance." I informed, knowing I didn't have to remind him the details of seventeen year old Gerard's three night long absense from home. Even being over a decade ago, it was far too fresh in the Way family's memory. "Is he..." Mikey began but couldn't find the words to complete his thought. "Yeah. Yeah Mikey, he is. We're both kind of falling down that same hole again." I sighed, hating that I had to resort to talking to Mikey of all people about a subject such as this. On the other line, a deep breath was taken and I could practically feel his stress. "I'm sorry but I don't know where he is. He hasn't tried contacting me, if That'd what you're looking for." He stated. "I knew that already. I knew he wouldn't go to you. He thinks you disown him which I really can't blame him for." I slipped, not sure if Gerard was comfortable with me sharing that. Then again, he didn't check to make sure I was okay with his leaving. "That's not true! I don't disown him. I just," he paused, searching for the correct terminology to describe his relationship between him and his brother. "I just needed some space." He explained and I knew that it was the nicest way he could've put it. "Bull shit, Mikey. Not completely but you left because you couldn't be with someone as sick as your bother. I'm not blaming you for distancing yourself either though. I just mean that, well you've got to know that even in his worst state, all he wants to help others. And sometimes in his process of doing so, he hurts himself." I explained. I bit my Lip ring, struggling not to cry. I wasn't even sure I felt the urge to produce tears, yet the feeling remained present. I wasn't per say upset at the moment. Just sometimes, life just became a little to hard and I suddenly felt the need for a cigarette.