Take Care

This Ones For You, Gerard

For living in California, you get use to the heat. So when the temperature drops, its easily noticed. However, I've never felt quite as cold as I did that morning. It was as though I was back in New Jersey in the dead of winter. The thing is, I wasn't. I was in bed and had apparently kicked off the covers from sweating.

I rubbed my eyes awake and rolled over to check the time. Six in the morning, which was early for me. I didn't have to check to now Gerard wasn't on the other side. It was too quiet, too lonley and especially too cold. I got up in some sort of hurry, not too sure what I was rushing for and checked the thermostat in the Hall. I was confused to find it was at its regular temperature. I shook my head, deciding that I must be sick. Shaking off my anxiousness, I peaked inside Bandit's room and was satisfied to see her will asleep.

I traveled down stairs and went into the kitchen, out of habit. After a moment I decided I wasn't hungry and instead I made myself comfortable on the couch, checking my phone.

Three missed calls, two voicemails, and eight unread texts. I swallowed nervously, glancing outside. The car was gone. I wasn't sure why I was so nervous considering I let him leave. I must've just assumed he'd be back by now.

I began by listening to the voice mails after seeing that only one of the calls was from Gerard.

"Hi," he began, clearing his throat. "Hey could you tell Bandit that my mother is picking her up at eight? I just... I just don't want her to worry, you know?" He explained and I scoffed. Yeah Gerard, that's nice and all but what about me? "And Frankie? I love you and I'm sorry" he finished and hung up. At this point, I couldn't know if his apologies held any truth. Grumbling to myself, I began to scan over my missed messages.

Gee: I'm sorry

Gee: why didn't you answer me call?

Gee: I'm sorry if I woke you up. I hadn't realized it was so early.

Gee: My mother is coming to pick up Bandit for the day and possibly the night.

Gee: I'm so sorry if you're worried, Frankie but please, I'd rather you not come looking for me this time.

Suddenly, Bandit was beside me, clutching a teddy bear dangerously tight. "Hi daddy." She squeaked. I was about to tell her what her runaway father had planned for her when I saw the fear in her eyes. "What's Wrong?" I wondering noticing her distress. "Something doesn't feel right. Feels like when Daddy says bad vibes." She explained, using air quotations. "Yeah. Bad vibes." I said trying to sound as normal as possible when all I wanted to do was scream. "Why don't you go put some things together? I guess Nana's picking you up in an hour." I said monotonously. She smiled a little and turned back up stairs. I felt horrible that she had too endure all of this. Her mothers absense, her fathers addictions and disappearances, and my depression making the situation even worse.

After an hour of literally staring at the wall, the doorbell rang. Knowing I didn't have to open it for her to feel welcome, I continued to stare at the blank wall. A moment later, Mrs. Way entered the living room. "Frank?" She called, looking for my attention. Reluctantly, I tore my gaze from the blank wall to the aging woman's face. "Gerard asked me to take Bandit. Is everything alright? Where is he?" She asked with a motherly look. I shrugged and looked away. "What do you mean you don't know? For God sakes, he's your husband!" She raised her voice. I quickly turned my head, staring her down. "I may be his husband but I'm not his mother." I stormed past her.

I was about to throw open my bedroom door when a small voice asked for her father. "Daddy?" She wondered quietly. I chewed on my ring, knowing I wanted to lock myself away. I had a responsibility and unlike my husband, I try to stay true to them. "Daddy, whats going on?" She pursued when I didn't reply to her. I sighed deeply, knowing she was far to young to understand things like this. Even with her advanced sense of vibes, I couldn't tell her what was truly happening. I knelt down, placing a hand on her thin shoulder. "Don't

Worry about it sweetheart, please." I asked of her, pleading. After a bit of what appeared to be internal conflict, she sighed and nodded. I thanked her and asked her to go with her grandmother who hadn't called me back after leaving her downstairs.

Then, I locked myself in my bedroom. Nervously, I paced back and forth from one end of the room to the other. I avoided looking into the mirror as I passed it. I didn't need proof that I looked like shit. For a just a second I expected that he'd burst through the door, as he sometimes did. He'd tell me how beautiful and important I was and I'd thank him even though I'd never believe it. Then I remembered he was missing again. Feeling the loss of hope, I let myself collapse onto the bed.

What the hell am I supposed to do? How was I supposed to just sit back and hope that he finds his way home? I knew he wouldn't answer if I called and I knew he didn't want me to find him. So unfortunately I had to somehow calm myself down. After about an hour of sitting on the bed and staring and the sealed package of cigarettes I remembered why Gerard was so important to me. He literally kept me alive. Every time I had a panic attack, usually before a show, he was the only one who could calm me down. I could never calm myself down not even when the attacks were weak. "Oh screw you Gerard." I mumbled to myself. "Why did you have to run away? To become an adult? What the fuck does that mean? You said you were sorry about me always having to save you, so you ask me to stop. Alright, that's fine. Now whose supposed to save me?" I continued to speak aloud, even if it meant going insane. I mean, I didn't really care about how I ended up but I needed to know that he'd be okay. I couldn't just forget about him until he decided to be a husband and a father again.

The sun was now at its highest yet the room couldn't have been darker. It was cold as well and empty. I kept having chills run down my spine and my stomach kept flipping. Honestly, I didn't know if I was sick or nervous or which one was worse.

After an endless amount of time spent examing and picking at the package I decided that if he could fall back on his promises then so could I.

I sat on the roof outside the bathroom staring up at the darkening sky. It was beautiful, really. Far more beautiful than any person ever could be. I couldn't help but wonder if he was thinking the same thing, looking at the same sky. I sighed and pushed my sneaker at a shingle that had come loose. I internally laughed, thinking that the inside of the home Was so worn, that it was starting to show on the outside. I was about to curse him again when I realized that maybe the our crumbling lives was my fault. After all, I knew well enough that Gerard was far to unstable to be without me for too long and yet I still allowed him to leave that evening. I had just stayed in bed, pretending to be asleep. Letting the love of my life walk himself to his own destruction. Now, it has been almost two nights and I have yet to discover his where abouts. Mentally punching myself in the balls for not having big enough ones to just call him, I slid a stick out of the package. Saying farewell to my healthy lungs and minty breath, I placed the cigarette between my lips. I held the lighter up the the rising moon, "this ones for you, Gerard.".