Take Care

Ieroween

I awoke to a rising and falling pillow. The pillow was also snoring. I groaned at my sore neck as I struggled to get myself in a sitting position. Once again, the usual California morning sun greeted hello through the blinds. I wasn't a morning person, none of us were. Night owls, you could call us. How could you except anything else from me? I was born Halloween night!

Speaking of Halloween, I nearly shit myself realizing Bandit was seated in an arm chair across the room. It wouldn't have been all that surprising if she hasn't been wearing a werewolf mask.

"Jesus Bandit, you scared me!" I laughed after calming down. She did Things like this a lot. Not intentionally, she was just a quiet person like Gerard. It was sometimes difficult living with two people who were naturally sneaky. It didn't help that I was naturally anxious. Somehow, we always seemed to make it work.

"Sorry daddy. Can we go now? I'm ready!" She said, gesturing towards her mask. I guess she expected we'd bring her around the block in her pajamas. "Not until tonight, sweetheart. Come down stairs, I'll make pancakes." I told her, getting up and taking her by the hand. "What's about Daddy?" She asked pulling me back to the bed. Damn, he was a heavy sleeper. "He's very tired Bandit. You can show him later." I said and picked her up. As I left with her resting on my hip, I passed the unopened cigarettes again.

It was a constant battle between the cancer sticks and I. What with the depression back, I would need some way to ease the pain. I couldn't go back to smoking, I repeated over and over in my head. Remember how hard it was to quit last time? I knew it would be even more difficult the next time around. Plus, this family has enough to worry about. I mentally shrugged deciding that I'd have to find another way to relieve stress.

I put Bandit down at the end of the stairs and she scurried away into the living room. I wasn't sure how it happened but moments later, I found myself hard at work over the stove. Small circles of batter were slowly growing into pancake shapes. Man, I'm really out of it, I thought. Suddenly, two heavy hands placed themselves on either of my shoulders. I bent my head back to see the mess of red hair. He placed a gentle kiss on my forehead and whispered good morning. His hair was a mess, his morning breath stunk and the bags under his eyes were darker than ever yet some how, he'd never seemed more beautiful.

After breakfast, Bandit asked if it was time to go out yet and before I could answer, Gerard took over. "Do you want to know a secret about All Hallows Eve?" He asked ominously. Her little ears perked up and she begged him to continue. "Well," he began dramatically looking left and then looking right. Bandit copied him to make sure no one else heard the secrets about her favorite holiday. "Well they say that today is bad luck." He said, winking at me when she gasped. "They say the worst of the worst prowl the streets tonight." He continued. I knew he loved poking fun at Halloween. Especially since he knew I was born just as the sun set. "Yes, very very bad. Frankly, nothing good ever happened on the evening of October thirty first. Later that day, Gerard was helping Bandit into her costume and I was in charge of the newly carved pumpkins. After lunch, when we had done them I was all excited because it wsd the first time Bandit had scooped all the seeds out on her own. They both thought it was very funny that I thought it was such a momentous occasion. I demanded that it be documented and Gerard was in stitches. They always made fun of me at how seriously I took my birthday. One year all I asked for was a professional zombie makeover. Let's just say, everyone thought I was pretty cool the next day at school.

Sighing at my nostalgia, I set up the candles inside the gorges and put them on the front porch.

Darkness seemed to take its time on this night every year. The three of us, sat by the window watching a movie that was meant to be scary, for kids at least. Gerard and I paid little attention as he applied scars and blood stains to my face. When he finished, I snatched the pallet of paint from his lap. "Your turn!" I proclaimed, earning a hush from Bandit. He laughed, "alright, what are you going to make me?" I decided months ago that I wanted him to be something like a sea monster. I think its the only thing he hasn't been yet. "I was thinking some scales around your neck." I began and he agreed. I took the green at drew small curves along his collar bone. Each row I made lighter than the last. When the rows had gotten so light they were barley visible, I began to shade then in with a darker green. After making his face seem skmehwta creature like, I decided his arms should have scales too. I reached to pull up his sleeve when he quickly pulled away. "What's wrong?" I wondered, furrowing my eyebrows together. I knew we both had contact issues but, almost never with each other. "Nothing." He said too fast. "Its just, I mean... I don't know." He stuttered pressing his arm up tight against his chest. I tried to understand what was wrong. I sighed frustrated, something was always wrong, wasn't it? I guess you learn to deal with it. I thought I knew him and I could always tell when something was up. I was wrong though because I couldn't seem to figure out why he had a sudden Need of security for his arms. He groaned under his breath and said something I couldn't quite make out. He slowly let go of his grip he had on his arm and let it fall from being pressed up against his chest. I slowly reached for his hand, not wanting to scare him again by going straight for the sleeve. "Um, Bandit? I need you to pick up your room before we go out tonight." He told her not taking his eyes off of my hands. She sighed and reluctantly left her movie. Gerard was too focused to ask her not to sigh like that.

Once she was upstairs, I took both of his hands in mine. "You're going to hate me." He whimpered. It hurt to see him so distraught. It hurt that he doubted my love for him. Sometimes, I decided, I have to be strong. I didn't reply and began to pull up his sleeve.I had to get the fabric over his elbow before I understood. There, on his Inner elbow were a few small scars about the size of a needle. Without any thought, tears began to unconsciously fall. "You know, Gerard," I paused to sniffle. "For someone who has a fear of needles, you seem to be just fine when it comes to this." I say roughly, throwing down his arm. He opened his mouth but had nothing to say. He pulled his sleeve back down out of habit and looked away from me. Probably trying to hide the fact that he was crying too. "You said we were going to get help." I pointed out and honestly, my heart had never hurt more. After a while of deep breathing, he spoke thought it was more like a voice caught in the wind. "It was before." He said quivering. "I promise, I did it before I said that. I meant what I said and we'll do it. I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" I asked assuming he was begining to disregard everyone else again. "I'm Sorry that I've ruined your birthday. I'm sorry that I've ruined Halloween. I'm sorry that you're the one who always has to be strong. I'm sorry that I collapse so easily. I'm sorry that you chose me and I never gave you a chance to find someone who didn't put drugs above love. I'm sorry that-" he stopped, realizing that maybe the last one had been too much. "I knew you had troubles before I loved you. You gave me plenty of chances to leave and I'm still fucking here. I'm still taking care of you and I'm still taking care of Bandit. You and her are my reasons for being here. Without you I would literally not be here. I don't mean in this house either. Without you I'd probably be dead." I confessed even though he was well aware. "Well without you I probably would've overdosed by now." He told me, which I already knew. "I guess everyone is their own venom." I presumed. "I guess we're each others Antidote." He smiled, cupping his hand around my face. I was still crying, only not as hard. "You better not leave me." I blurted with the new understanding that we were each others reason for survival. "Frankie, I'll always be around to take care of you."