Take Care

Becoming an Adult

One week after my birthday, Gerard had his first meeting for alcoholics and I had my first therapy session. We always go when Bandit's at school and Gerard usually takes the day off. At my appointment, Dr. Hailee welcomed me into her office. "You can call me Jen." She told me, shaking my hand. I asked where I should sit, seeing a chair in front of the desk, and a shrink's couch by the window. "Why don't you sit here, Mr. Iero?" She offered motioning to the chair at the desk. I flinched at her not using my full last name but I didn't vother to correct her. "You can call me Frank." I said awkwardly. She smiled a warm smile. She seemed ad though she actually cared for me, as a person not just a pacient.

"What is it that you'd like to talk about?" She began and I told her about how my depression was back. She asked why I thought it had come back just recently. I shrugged and Looked out the window. I didn't want to bring Gerard to the table just yet. She sighed, not pushing me to answer. "What do you see out there?" She asked and it didn't sound like a therapeutic question. "Outside." I deadpanned, crossing my arms. I wasn't sure why but I suddenly felt out of place here. "You like it outside?" She wondered. "I guess. I get a lot of inspirations from looking out there." I said. "Inspiration for lyrics?" She said way too casually. "How did you know I write lyrics?" I sat up, pushing my chair a couple inches away from the desk. "Oh I'm sorry. I'm just really liked My Chemical Romance and I'm very excited for your solo career." She confessed. I stood, "then I don't think its appropriate for you to be my doctor then." I started for the door when she made me stop cold. "I want to talk about Frerard. Please just for a minute, Frank?"

"Doctor, that is very out of line." I Stated but for some reason, I did not leave. "Is that why your depressed, because everyone thinks you like Gerard?" She asked. I don't think she realized that she was most likely going to be fired. If she did, she sure as hell didn't care. Plus, how dare she bring up MCR when, if she was as much of a fan as she appears, she should know I was the most torn up about it. "I don't like Gerard." I stated with confidence. She smiled, "I know! Okay come sit and we can-"

"I love him!" I shouted flipping her off with the hand my ring was on. I stormed out, not bothering to complain to the secretary. I'll just leave a strongly worded voice mail tomorrow, if I still gave a shit by then.

By the time I reached home I had somewhat calmed down. Since I had left early, Gerard and Bandit wouldn't be home for another hour. I threw But was too tired to check. Even though I felt hot, I stayed under the blanket. I didn't have the energy to take it off. I was glad he brought me up here, though. Otherwise I would've woken up with horrible back pain.

A moment later, I heard the door open and shortly after, it closed. I didn't have to open my eyes to know it was Gerard. "Still sleeping?" He observed and laughed to himself. He came over and laud beside me, slowly and quietly. I stayed still and kept my eyes shut. "God, he's beautiful when he sleeps." He whispered to himself. I kept my face blank and listened carefully to everything he had to say. "I love you, Frank Anthony Iero-Way." He mumbled under his breath and I opened one eye, just slightly and saw him fiddiling with his ring. After a long while of peaceful silence he laid a hand on my forehead. "I guess now is a good time as any." He presumed, sighing deeply. "I hate this, God Damn it." He whisper shouted, throwing a something across the room. I heard it slam against the door and feared Bandit would come to investigate. "I've done you wrong, so many times." He said, quickly taking his hand away from me. I whimpered slightly but not loud enough for him to hear. "I'm glad you're such a heavy sleeper, Frankie. Otherwise you'd be able to hear what I'm about to say. I could never tell you if I knew you could hear me." He confessed and I felt something in my chest and it wasn't good. I think it was guilt but I didn't 'wake up' just yet.

"The thing is, Frankie, I'm not nearly as strong as everyone thinks I am. I've played the part for a while now and it gets hard sometimes, you know? I feel empty when you aren't around. The only times you aren't around though is when I'm at work or..." He paused and I suddenly became very nervous. "Or bringing Myself closer to death. You know what I mean by that, don't you? Well I guess it doesn't matter since your asleep but even still, its hard to say it out loud." He explained further. I didn't understand why he was having such trouble saying this though. I already knew all of this. I knee he hated pretending to be strong and I knew he felt uncomfortable whenever I wasn't with him. "I guess what in trying to say is, I need to learn to grow up. I mean I'm thirty six years old and I still can't take care of myself." He said, scoffing at himself. "So, I'm going to be an adult now. Right now actually. I hope you understand." He said, his voice catching at the end. I let him leave the bed and leave the room. I let him think I didn't know what was going on. He needed to feel like an adult so he was probably going to go do regular adult things, right? Like taxes and driving cars. Just as I had the thought, I heard an Engine start and then quickly fade away. I never wondered where he was going and I didn't wonder when he'd be home. Without getting up to check on Bandit or call Gerard, I fell back asleep.