Take Care

Roof Escapes and Bed Secrets

That night I went to bed early, almost right after putting Bandit to sleep. I wasn't sure why but I didn't feel good. Perhaps I was coming down with something. I feel asleep quickly to the sound of the rain tapping on the roof.

A while later, I awoke to a crack of thunder. I turned to the table beside me to see how late it was. 3am. I turned to my left and was faced with an untouched side of the bed.

That was odd, I thought. Gerard stays up late of course but never this late.

After stretching, I groggily rolled out of bed. In socked feet, I padded across our room, out the door and downstairs as quietly as I could. I didn't want to wake up our baby girl.

I was met with an empty and dark living room which I got out of as fast as my feet would carry me. The kitchen and the study were empty as well. There was only one more place to check and that was the basement.

The thing is, he goes down there when he wants to be alone. That's very rare and something awful would have to happen in order for him to Feel that way. Luckily I did not find him down there that night.

Then where was he, I wondered noticing his car was still in the driveway. Suddenly I remembered one more spot that he could be.

I quickly ran back up the stairs and into the bathroom.  There, just as I had expected, the window was wide open. Even though it was pitch black I could still make out his silhouette. I suck my head out, immediately getting soaked by the rain.

"Gerard?" I called into the darkness. He turned to me and with the bathroom light I could barley see his goofy smile. "How stupid do you have to be in order to have the desire to sit on the roof during a thunder and lightning storm?" I laughed, extending out my hand. He looked back up at the sky, making his hair fall back. He reminded me of a man I fell in love with a long time ago.

Sitting in the dark covered in either Sweat or rain. His hair is slicked back or messy in front of his face. His eyes however were always shut tight in this moment. I never knew what he was thinking.

After a minute he took my hand and slid back in side. I was surprised to see he was still in his suit and shoes. You could hardly tell it was a blue suit anymore though. His orange hair was almost red now and his clothes very navy blue.

"You're an idiot" I rolled my eyes. Getting up on my toes, I strained to kiss his noes, earning a blush on rain dropped skin.

Then, with no exchange of words I decided that the puddle forming beneath us was big enough. I undid his tie and gently hung it over the bathtub. I unbottoned his coat and slipped off his shirt and laid those to dry on the bathtub as well. I thought that he would understand that it was time to remove his drenched clothes And take off his pants but he remained still. Shaking my head, I went to untie his shoes and take them off. I undid his pants button, letting them fall. He kicked them off of his ankles and stood in only white boxer briefs.

"I'm cold." He stated. He looked it too, shaking and his wet hair dripping down his back. I quickly handed him a towel which he used to wrap up his hair instead of around his body. I took his hand once more and we went to our room for the night.

He eagerly jumped into bed, squirming under the covers. "Don't you want sweat pants or something?" I asked. "One of us is enough pants for one bedroom." He replied and finished drying his hair.

I glanced down at myself in only grey pajama pants. He dropped his towel to the floor and positioned himself more comfortablely.

I stayed standing, watching him lay. He was beautiful. The way his hair fell around his head like a glow. The way he smiled in his sleep and I knew he was happy. On the tour bus I would sometimes check on him. Sometimes he crying in his sleep. Sometimes was still awake. But every once and a while I'd catch him smiling. Things were different now and he smiled every night.

"Are you coming or not?" He asked without opening his eyes. I rolled my eyes and fell next to him. I faced him with his closed eyes. "Gee?" I asked. "Yeah?" He whispered, eyes still shut. "Look at me. Please." I begged. I hated talking to him, especially about things I was truly concerned about when he wouldn't look at me. He opened his eyes, staring into mine, making my heart flutter. "Gee, I need to know." I told him. "I'm okay. I promise." He assured me with a lesser smile. "Why were you out there?" I asked softly and when he Looked away, I reached for his hand and held it tight. "Cmon, I'm worried about you." I pleaded.

Sighing, he looked back. "I can feel it, Frank. It's happening again." The words flowed slowly. He was afraid and whats worse he was afraid of himself.

My heart began to beat faster and it was more difficult to swallow. "Gerard," I began after a moment. Biting my lip nervously, I brought his hand up to my face and held it tight. "You're stronger than this." I said powerfully, with wide eyes. I searched for a sign of relief on his face but found none. "You know as well as I do that your music is amazing and your previous comics have done great! Don't let little things like this ruin everything. Please." I tried to console him and found that I was holding on too tight around his hand.

"Its not just that." He said. Looking at me he explained, "Lyn-Z has stopped Answering me and Bandit calls for her in her sleep at least once a week now. Mikey seems to be doing a lot better, now that he has distanced himself from me. And when's the last anyone had heard from Ray? This is fucking ridiculous, Frank! Everything is falling apart just as I thought I was finally getting it together." He drew in a sharp breath.

I rubbed my thumb across his cheek and down his neck until my hand was on his back. "You have to believe me, Gerard. All will be well." I whispered, tracing small circles across his bare back. He dropped his head into the crook of my shoulder, and I could feel his breathing deepen and stagger. I continued to whisper that everything would be alright in the end into his ear. "I will always, always, be here for you. You understand that, don't you?" I asked.

At this, he broke. Relesing an awful sound from his throat he began to cry.  "Oh," I gasped embracing him tighter. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." I repeated over and over. He pressed himself closer, trying to muffle his cries. "I upset you?" I wondered guiltily. After a while of tight embrace and back rubbing, his sniveling ceased.

Without moving he said, "you say that you'll always be there, right?" He asked. I nodded, "always." 

"Well," his voice cracked. "Well what if I can't be there for you?"

I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. How was I supposed to respond to that? Why would he say 'can't' instead of 'not' or 'won't'? The thought of Gerard not being able to be with me was sickening. I would be alone and without him for the first time in almost fourteen years! How was I supposed to handle that?

"Don't say that." I said. He sat up a bit, keeping our hands locked. "I'm serious though. I need to know that You and Bandit will be alright. For instance, what if I didn't wake up in the morning and-" he explained. I quickly covered my ears begging him to stop. I couldn't bare to hear of a world without him.

He took my hands away from my ears, "I'm sorry." He told me. "I'm so sorry, Frankie. I didn't mean it like it was going to happen. I just wanted to know that you'll be okay if something happens." He apologized.

After that we fell into a silence. A peaceful silence.