the girl on the bench

Chapter 1

I think I've figured out why I can never have a successful relationship. I want too much out of them. I know that you should never settle into something that is not 100% but every relationship I've had since I was 15 has never worked out and I'm convinced it's because of me. In that past, I've always made up excuses for my exes. Jo was always too focused on playing and watching sports, Maddie had crippling issues with her family, and my most recent ex, Lila, had feelings for someone else. I guess that description made it seem like they all had their own issues but that's not true. I always had a feeling I was Jo's rebound. She never did seem interested in me and I always had a feeling she didn't find me attractive. I was Maddie's best friend before we dated and was always her crutch. We were together for convenience and I wanted her more than she ever wanted me.

That brings us to being 21 when I met Lila at a gay bar. We clicked instantly and fell madly in love. That is until she lost feelings for me and found them in someone else. Well, in multiple other people. This was after 2 years of being with me, lying to me, and taking advantage of my trust. That hurt the most. I fought the hardest with and for Lila and I have no idea why.  When she broke up with me she told me it was because she felt she could never give me what she wanted. So with that, I've decided that I'm just too needy. My best friend, Alex, said that she was trying to play the victim as she always did and that it was just an excuse. But I've always craved attention when I'm in a relationship. Anything to make me feel loved, even if it was making them jealous of someone else showing interest in me. It's funny because I'm not like that when I'm single, I'm very much an independent person who can satisfy my own needs. But when I'm in a relationship I transfer all that energy to someone else.

I live with Alex, in a small townhouse in Brighton but she is always either at school, work or at her boyfriend, Nate's house. She's been my best friend since primary school and our situation was totally fine when I was also in a relationship but now that I have more time on my hands, I can tell we're distancing. We've gone through this same motion before and we've always stayed close so I'm not worried but it is lonely at home without her and Lila. I'm lucky that I can use all my feelings and channel it towards my art. I'm a part-time artist specialising in fine art. I make some money from it but it's definitely not a career. Yet. I haven't yet found the motivation to make any art since the break up a few months ago so I've had to find another way to spend my time.

Since I live close to the beach, I've been walking there every day for the past few months. I used to live close to the beach when I was young so the the ocean is like magic for me. It grounds me in ways that nothing else can. It makes me realise my fears and doubts in the calmest way. I don't know how to explain it. It's soothing. Maybe it's the gentle but rhythmic crashing of the waves on the sand or the distant squawking of the sea birds. Whatever it is, it's making me feel better just by being here. A while ago, I found a secluded park bench that has a 180 degree view of the ocean and surrounded by greenery. It's perfect, no one else comes here so it has been acting as my safe space ever since I found myself alone.

Well... It was my safe space. Today, my space was invaded by a wanderer. Not many people head down the path to this bench as it's in the opposite direction to the beach but some people get confused and turn around when they see the bench and a dead end. The person walks towards me wearing grey track pants, a blue and purple hoodie, a denim jacket and a baseball cap. I assume it is a female because their long cascading strawberry blonde wavy hair flows to the side and is picked up and carried by the sea breeze. She's looking down at her phone and seems to be taking a video or photo of herself with the ocean behind her. As she puts her head up, I can see she is wearing clear large framed glasses and is smiling from whatever she was looking at. I don't think she's noticed me. She puts the phone in her pocket and continues walking towards me. "Oh" she says once she spots me and stops walking. She laughs "How awkward" she says scratching the back of her head. I smile at her to give her the hint I'm not in a talking mood and look back towards the ocean although I'm not sure if she was referring to herself taking a video/photo of herself or me watching her take the video/photo. She stays a beat and then turns and walks away. Whatever she meant, I think it was awkward for both of us. I'm sure she just got lost. I've never seen her here before.