we'll live to tell the tale (l.s.)

rain upon the blinding dust of earth

tw// descriptions of self harm , purging , mentions of suicidal thoughts , eating disorder , mentions of calories 

hi! let me know if this feels rushed at all. i considered splitting it into two chapters but figured it would flow better as one. it was actually quite easy to write; like i'm suddenly getting over my writer's block.

there is one spot here when i go into vivid, vivid detail about the depth of a certain self harm wound. it's disgusting but so real and so real for me especially. please proceed with caution. i considered taking it out due it its morbidity but decided against it. 

thanks for everything, the comments literally make my day-- you have no idea. 

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louis did end up trying a little harder, to harry's relief. days passed and they were rapidly approaching the next check-up with dr. reid.

harry made sure to hold the ocean boy's hands after meals, as if his fingers were handcuffs, even following him to the bathroom for hours after they'd eaten. louis always protested before eventually giving up. the thought of being treated like a ticking time-bomb made him flush red in shame, but harry was so stubborn after the last incident that there was no point in even trying to slither away.

it was tiring. not purging, pretending to be upbeat and happy for harry's sake (although the curly-haired boy had told him to be more honest about his emotions, he could never bring himself to—they weren't really worth paying any mind to anyway).

the only time he really had to himself were nights, when the food in his stomach would be long digested, and any attempt to pry it out would be futile. he'd tried, at first, only to be met with nausea and sticky saliva. harry had also limited his liquid intake at meals; he was only allowed one cup of water per meal and had to clear a certain amount off his plate before drinking it. drinking it all at the end was also not an option, as he would be reminded drink his water periodically.

it was irritating, to say the least. he hated feeling like a child. they'd gotten into more fights which always ended in harry repeating the same thing he'd always said:

"if you don't want to be treated like this, then take care of yourself so that you don't have to be told to."

at first, the older boy would scoff and tell harry that it was none of his business, but he would never hear any of it. he'd run his fingers through that soft, curly hair (which was getting long; reaching his chin) and act as if louis' voice was nothing but the buzzing of a housefly or the whir of the space heater.

some days were more difficult than others, as everything worldly is destined to be. some days, he couldn't finish even a quarter of his food knowing that harry wouldn't allow him to purge. some days, he would rush to the bathroom anyway as harry would restrain and hold him in such bone-crushing embraces, he wouldn't be surprised if he were to disintegrate right then.

as the temperature outside decreased and his weight increased, it got easier and easier for the cuts to travel from just his thighs to his arms; especially since he could wear sweaters all the time without seeming suspicious. and ever since the failed hookup that occurred on the first day they'd met, harry would always err on the side of caution when it came to louis' privacy. he wouldn't question when the boy would ask him to leave the room so he could change, or when he refused to take off his shirt, or be touched.

eating was still an act that filled louis with shame, but knowing that he could retreat to the bathroom when harry slept alleviated that, even if it was just by a little bit. he could still administer himself the punishment he deserved.

the next appointment had been scheduled for a morning, as both harry and louis had classes in the afternoon. harry went as often as possible to his own, but with no doubts, would skip if it conflicted too much with the ocean boy's eating schedule. he'd taken off work completely for a couple of months, and as harry always was, because he was so widely loved by the managers at the shop, they understood completely and ordered that he'd take as much time off as he needed. of course, he hadn't disclosed to them any information regarding what kind of illness louis was struggling with, but they hadn't asked, which both of them were grateful for.