we'll live to tell the tale (l.s.)

dreamcatchers for teeth

tw// mentions of suicide/death , self-harm , eating disorder , past sexual abuse (MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM AND DRUGS IN AUTHOR'S NOTE AS WELL. DO NOT READ, I AM SIMPLY OVERSHARING) 

hi all, i might start uploading less frequently (every three days instead of two? or maybe i'll just work harder during the day) as my mother caught me hurting myself with my laptop open at 4am and i may be losing some privacy. she was pretty mad, doesn't really understand mental illness, which is to be expected. i'm fine, really, just inconvenienced. i've dealt with this before and have been able to wriggle my way out of treatment before (much of the hospital arc is based off of person experience). especially with covid, it's just not safe. pretty sure i've effectively convinced my parents that i'm all good. that it was a one-time deal or whatever. hid my oxys so i'll be able to keep taking them which is lucky for me.

thanks for reading! i already have an idea of a next fic, less personal, but still going to be fun to write. naturey and everything, you know? but yeah. take care, i love you all. dms are always, always open. i apologize for the long author's note. 

twitter: @louflymehome

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the return back to london felt uncannily anticlimactic. it wasn't a grandiose arrival, it wasn't a slap in the face with the smell of home.

it's not that the two weren't glad to be home—travel, regardless of whether it is recreational or work related, is tiring. but new york had this magic about it, one that sang brightly despite the political shambles the american government seemed to be in. if harry didn't know better, he'd have thought the entire trip was merely a figment of his imagination.

ironically enough (and much to harry's dismay), he was struck with this incessant inspiration. he'd been at a wall, striking it over and over to no avail during the weeks leading up to his birthday, but as soon as they'd returned, it was like he'd hit a gold mine of ideas. for lyrics, for melodies, for countermelodies. it took everything he had in him to not make every song he wrote about a certain ocean boy in his life. that'd be far too cheesy, wouldn't it?

it all reminded him of dvorak's from the new world symphony. america, he thought, has always been quite the catalyst for imagination, it seemed. it was one of his favorite symphonies, too. a tune that most everyone who has studied music would know, but despite everything, it held a very special place in his heart. the infamous english horn solo, especially. like he'd told louis before, it wasn't that he was a classical music person. he just came to be one, enthralled by its hold after having to study it.

dvorak wrote from the new world during his time in new york, as well, allowing himself to bask in the highly romanticized version of america. he had a very open mind, taking influences from both african-american and native american folk music. had those groups truly been as free as the music made them sound, it would have been much easier to praise.

it wasn't exactly america that'd struck harry so hard, though. it was the feelings that louis instilled within him. this bone-deep sense of longing that he'd always felt, whether he was with the boy or not. it had always been there, though at varying strengths. right now, however, it was more painful than ever before. like he didn't feel at home unless he was engulfed by louis' arms, or even better, his lips.

and as a result, he had an album in the making. it had a sound that he was quite happy with, and it all just seemed so unreal. just a few months ago, he'd been a lost student studying music with no aim whatsoever, but now, here he was, his future all lined up perfectly for him.

of course, he had his doubts, like any other adolescent that'd planned to go down this path. what if he doesn't sell? what if it's no good, after all? what if he dedicates all of his time to this, and finds out that it's not what he'd imagined it to be, after all? what if he loses everything else important to him, loses louis, in the process of searching for what's best for his career?