Turning The Page

Ninety Eight

Instead of being mad... My friends erupt into a chorus of "Awe"s that make me feel just a tiny bit more guilty over dropping the snacks... And for starting to cry a little bit...  

Even if Daddy did bend over and pick everything up I still feel bad for dropping them in the first place... Even if they weren't open you aren't supposed to drop food on the floor and now I've made more work for Daddy because he is the one who took the few seconds to wipe them all off... And I can't seem to find it within myself to take a peek from between my fingers so I can pay more attention to what Aurie and Cricket and Daddy are crooning to me while Lukas and Harper keep the others from coming to investigate... 

Which would only make things worse because if I get even shier while I cry there won't be any way for me to stop myself from dropping all the way down into that icky place under the waves of shakiness that overtakes me when I fall from my heavens... The process has already started and I am not sure all the kisses and chocolate in the world could keep me from slipping down into my sad empty hollowness that always makes me cry and be extra clingy but not in a productive way... I really don't want to feel that vulnerable in front of all of these strangers... It would be more than just the other Alpha's staring at me and seeing me break down the same way I've wanted to break down all week... It would also be their Lunas and all of them would just stand there and whisper about how weird I am and how strange I've been this week and wonder why Aurie and Cricket bother being nice to me when I can't even join in on laughing at a joke Cricket told loud enough for everyone to hear...  And they would laugh at me because I made myself look clumsy by dropping stuff... 

This situation is just no good and I just keep making it worse by being such a baby...

...

Silas

...

It hurts so much to see my sweet Bean so inconsolable... Even though to the rest of us dropping the chips and stuff isn't a big deal he feels like everyone is watching him and it breaks my heart how torn up he is... How embarrassed he feels... 

My poor Baby...

There isn't much I can do other than to collect my sniffly Muffin and pull him closer, turning him so I can shelter his sweet, blushy, and blotchy face and give him a few good lung-fulls of my scent to help steady him a bit before he drops even further than he already has... And the effect is so immediate that I no longer feel as useless as I did a few seconds ago... Not much coaxing needing to be done to get my tender Mama to start hugging me back and relaxing his shoulders.

As much as I didn't want him to start feeling fussy I half-expected him to have some fussiness at this point... And even if this isn't exactly fussiness... He is feeling a bit more sensitive than normal and it's only made his anxiety that much worse. 

'They aren't ever going to laugh at you, Sweet Pea. I wouldn't ever let anyone laugh at you.' When I push the words into Addy's mind I know that he knows that I mean them with every ounce of my heart... If anyone ever dared laugh at him for anything it would not end well for them... Especially not if they were doing it to be cruel while he's all caught up in his own emotions... His head is already not being nice... And there isn't much I can do to fix that... But the least I can do is make sure that no one ever kicks him when he's down. 

It takes almost no effort on my part to offer Adrian what I can in the way of comfort, but holding him against me and rocking us back and forth a bit seems to help, the smallest rumbles leaving my chest knowing full well that if I do it any louder that it'll be taken as a challenge by those around us unfamiliar with the adorable way that my sweet Bean calms down fastest by being dominated... And how he takes comfort in the vibrations that leave my chest in waves big enough to shake the windows of our home... And I feel all kinds of frustrated knowing that I can't do more right now to make my Princess feel better because we are surrounded by other Alphas instead of at home where we should be. 

...

Adrian

...

I feel so much more at ease in Daddy's arms... But I don't get to stay there long, Lukas calling attention to the fact that it's time to start heading inside because the doors have been open and Alic being already inside... 

I know that we'll get to cuddle as soon as we sit down, but we still have to rearrange ourselves just a bit so that way I can see where I'm going while we walk and Daddy can keep his arms around my waist, which I need him too... 

Surprisingly though, I find that my hands don't get left empty either, Aurie and Cricket both claiming a hand making it a little awkward for all of us to get through the door because the two of them are also holding hands with Lukas and Harper... And I know that it must look like I am so much more than just a hot mess... But it still makes me feel better, especially when Daddy doesn't mention us touching being breaking my rules because he knows right now I need the reassurance from my friends that they really aren't upset at me like they kept trying to say they weren't a minute ago... Only to blink at the bright pink and blue party streamers strewn about the room, and the wide cut heart-shaped glitter sprinkled on each off-white table cloth... 

And it's taken me from self-conscious to... Confused.