Holding On

chapter 32.

AMARA'S P.O.V

"How are you dealing with this so calmly, you seem so unphased"

Belle asks. In the past few months we've grown closer than ever. I feel like Brooke and i, alienated her a lot, but we were all over the place, she maybe young but she's a lot smarter than any of us. Tyler and I just provide the cash, she makes the calls on how to double or quadruple it.

"If I get caught up in this moment I'm going to lose so much more in the interim. You taught me to deal with things logically and not emotionally, so I'm trying to do just that" I place a pillow on her lap and lay down. Tyler's out with Everly and Lucus tonight. I've reached the stage where I need my family the most.

"Look at you being a complex adult. It suits you".

I've learnt a lot this past year than I have ever before. I guess having someone to teach you is a lot easier than learning alone.

***
TYLERS P.O.V

"I missed you" Everly hugs me tight. I admit that I do miss her too, we used to spend all our time together.

"How have you been?" I ask her, knowing that she'll melt into conversation and won't ask what's wrong with me. My mind is still a bit dazed from what happened back home. I don't think I'll ever really be okay after that.

She tells me about her and Lucus and how she's doing with her degree and so on. She stops in between to investigate whether or not I'm still getting my degree, and I assure that I will get it, she moves on to tell me about her brother Emiliano, his coming back to live here next year. I roll my eyes, Peyton is in this city, just on the other end.

Speaking of Peyton I need to call her, it's been a month since I've talked to her. We chat every day but I miss that high pitched "La Dee Da" voice. I chuckle to myself softly.

I needed this break, I really did.

"Let's talk about your girlfriends business, I'm happy for the both of y'all. You really should've brought her with" how do I tell Everly that right now we're just trying to cope with ourselves not as a unit but as alone. It's important to fix what's wrong with us individually before we bring that into our relationship, we haven't had any problems but the build up to an explosion is there, it's fucking evident as fuck really.

"Thank you, we were sure the agency thing was going to fail but it didn't and we have Amara's sister to thank for that. She's a little genius that girl, probably going to end up doing better than all of us" I'm really proud of that little girl.

"Okay what the fuck is wrong with you, you're out here acting like a little bitch" Everly's foul mouth is something I've grown to love. I laugh lightly.

"Something happened but Amara and I are going to be fine, i don't really want to get into it right now. Besides where is Lucus I thought he was visiting" I mean I change the topic quickly and she picked up on it but let me be. Thank goodness, I can't fucking delve into that topic with her right now.

"Oh yeah his just a bit late but he'll be here" I love the smile she has at the end of that sentence. It's hard to be away from your first love and the fact that they found each other again is just remarkable really.

"And all that other stuff..." I know she knows what I mean because I bring my finger to my nose and make a snorting sound.

"I'm dealing with that now, I've been seeing a professional. She doesn't think I should go to an institution or anything because my self control is good according to her. I mean I haven't fucking touched any of that shit in forever" I'm glad to hear that.

"Well done, you're stronger than me definitely" she looks at me weirdly.

"I just meant I wouldn't be able to handle the addiction they way you are, I had to have an intervention from like Caitlyn" I think back to the time I wanted to be good for her "but Amara gets high now and then, she rarely smokes weed but when she does I just sit there and take care of her" I laugh at all the fucked up things she thinks about when she's stoned.

"So she's not addicted?" Everly seems worried.

"No no we're both to busy to have any addictions, our regular day is 18 hours long, we out the house by 5 am and awake from 4 am. We only hit the bed at like 10 pm, sometimes later, that's depending on our moods" I hope she gets what I meant when I said by moods, I mean if we're tired we're both sleeping but if she's up and I'm up, I'm definitely handcuffing her, or she's handcuffing me.

"Well it's paying off, for the both of you" she looks over to the door and by the smile on her face it's Lucus I know it. We're not at a bar or anything, as a matter of fact we're in a small ass karaoke thing.

I shake his hand and let them talk while I phone Peyton. She answers immediately and she seems so sad on the phone.

Her mom's sick, but not death bed sick so I don't get it. Maybe she's just worried about her.

***
AMARA'S P.O.V

The silence of this apartment grew louder when Belle left, I didn't feel the weight of the pain as I do now. Nothing could've been done, that I know but now we're here a week later and I have no idea how to deal with this. This looming hurt that hovers over me. I wish I went with him now,

He did tell me i needed to go out with him now, but in a fashion that can only be described by my name, i didn't listen. I should have.

I can't get the energy to go to the kitchen but I also know that I can't lay here and repeat my cycle. This is a circular nature for me, pain. Once I fall into it I can't climb out, i rarely can. Most people have healthy ways to blow off steam or release that bad energy, I on the other hand don't really have any positive outlet. My outlet is sit here and question why is this happening to me. What could I have done to piss of the universe to cause this in my life.

His healthy outlet is people, I've noticed that when Tyler has a lot on his mind he surrounds himself with people, not as a distraction but as a supportive substitute for reality or hurt.

I could learn that, maybe take up a few classes in Krav or something.

My phone buzzes and it's a message from him, I read over it and my heart rate increases in speed. How can he be missing me right now when his out with his freinds.

*you should be talking to Lucus* I remind him that he should be spending this time with his freinds.

*I should be but I'm worried about you* his words even make me blush over text.

How could anyone have hurt this man.

I feel slightly better after reading his message.

*I love you* he says.

*and I love you* I type out and that's how the conversation ends.

I get up and finally get myself something to eat. I know I should take better care of myself but it hasn't been that way since I've met him, his always here. I just have to say what I want and he goes to get it for me. He spoils me rotten.