MCYT One-Shots

Weight | Angst

Time and Setting – mid season 6 - just after the 1.14 barrior was broken

Focus Character(s) – Grian, Xisuma, Samgladiator (mentioned), Taurtis (mentioned), Joe Hills (mention)

Ship(s) – Grisuma, Samian (past)

Trigger/Content Warnings – swearing, eating disorders, self starvation, starvation, gaslighting, transphobia, mentions of suicide

Background - So I was playing around with a prompt generator, and got this 

Xisuma: I hate seeing you like this, Grian... Please, let me help.

and my brain said angst go brrrr so :]

ft trans!grian because in yhs, grian is VERY trans coded 

Not a request, but fueled by Livie_heart's comments on the last one-shot

A/N: Not too big of a fan of the ending, but angst go brrr so

---

Stubborn. 

He was so god damn stubborn, all the fucking time.  

And he knew that was going to be his downfall. 

Hubris, as Joe would say. 

And all Grian could do was bitterly laugh. 

He was too self distructive. Always had been. 

Maybe it was Sam's fault. Maybe it was his own fault, as Sam always said, mocking him. Grian wasn't sure. Either way, it had been going on for a while. 

Grian would deprive himself of what he needed to live. He'd be starved, stick and bones. Sam always told him he had to be perfect, and as far as Grian was aware, that meant thin. The lines blurred though, and Grian pushed himself to far. 

Taurtis was always there for him though, to pull him back. Get Grian back to a proper, healthier weight. 

Then Sam would set him off again. This time about his hair. "Oh, you make such a pretty girl! Why feel the need to change it?" Sam would say. 

So Grian could grow his hair back out, no matter how awful it made him feel. He'd stop binding, because Sam always told him how pretty he was as a girl, and how much better he'd be if he simply got over that phase of his. 

Taurtis was there for him though. Taurtis would help Grian through it, and reasure Grian that he was valid. He'd cut Grian's hair for him, and give him masculine clothing to wear. 

So many awful things, all played off as normal. So many dstructive habits that Sam had told him were normal. So much pain, and suffering, all normal to Grian. 

So when he arrived in Evo, everything was different. Taurtis was there, to support Grian. The other Evolutionists were there too, to distract Grian. He could finally be himself, without rremembering his ex's toxic, abusive behaviour and encouragments. 

With the watchers, he relapsed though. he fell back into that dark pit. 

The same words Sam had always told him. The same names Sam had always called him.They'd tell him to be more feminine. They'd call him a she. They'd tell him to lose weight. 

Xisuma was Grian's saving grace. 

Xisuma had broken Grian away from the watchers. Xisuma had saved Grian, and brought him back from the brink of distruction. 

Xisuma loved Grian when Grian couldn't love himself. 

They'd finally gotten together, just after the civil war had ended. Well, just before. A little forbiden romance never hurt anyone, especially not on HermitCraft, where permadeath wasn't a thing. 

Except for Grian. 

While he was sure Doc was a wonderful person, Doc scared Grian. reminded him too much of Sam. 

Any time Doc shot an insult Grian's way, Grian would wan to curl up in on himself. He'd feel like he was back with Sam, being misgendered and pressured into doing what he didn't want to do, and he'd relapse. 

He'd go back to growing out his hair. He'd go back to starving himself. 

He'd go back to contemplating suicide, not that it would do much on the HermitCraft server. 

Xisuma was there for him though. Xisuma would comfort him, and bring him back from the edge. 

Except maybe that wasn't enough. 

This time, it wasn't anything of Doc's doing, or even memories of Sam. Grian just felt like he was about to cave in on himself. The stress of everything, the worries that the watchers were going to come back for him, everything, it just...

It set him off. 

He stopped eating again. Enough to keep him alive, but not enough for him to maintain a consistent weight, or gain anything. Watching the numbers grow smaller and smaller on the redstone scale was nice, and brought a smile to Grian's face. 

Hunger pains frequently plagued him, but as Yuki had told him before, "beauty is pain". He needed to be perfect, for Xisuma. So what if he dealt with a few hunger pains here and there? He wasn't unfamiliar with them. 

He'd do anything to make himself perfect for Xisuma, even if Xisuma didn't have to ask. 

While he didn't fall back into his methods of growing out his hair, or trying to become more feminine (like Sam liked. Sam always prefered Grian when he wasn't out yet), the weight was a big issue. Grian always thought himself overweight. Too much, too heavy for Xisuma to love him. 

Grian hated it. 

Hated his self destructive habits so much. 

But he just couldn't lose them. 

---

Xisuma hated seeing Grian spiral down again.

He hated seeing weight slowly slip away from Grian's concerningly thin frame. 

He hated seeing Grian turn into what his ex has supposedly wanted. 

Mostly though, he hated seeing Grian try and change himself for Xisuma. 

So Xisuma decided he needed to talk to Grian about it, one wednesday evening. 

"I hate seeing you like this, Grian." Xisuma had whispered into Grian's ear, holding his partner tight. He could feel Grian's ribs sticking out, pressed againts his side. He could feel Grian's breath against his cheek, uneven and jagged. 

"Please, let me help." Xisuma whispered again, when he received no response. He felt Grian shift slightly, holding Xisuma tighter. 

"Okay." Grian finally whispered back. 

"I'll let you try."