Destiel Oneshots

Dean's Despair

Spoiler warning for season 15 episode 18 (get ready for a feels trip oh boy)

This one's based off of an idea given to me by @HerMyOhKneeGranger when we were ranting about the episode the other day, so thank you for the inspiration :) (the 15x18 inspired one shots after this one will be happier, I swear)

Shoutout to angelic-remains for the edit at the beginning of the chapter!

His damn phone kept ringing.  Why did Sam have to keep calling him?  Dean sat on the floor of the bunker, head in his hands with tears streaming down his face.  It was like a hole had been made in his heart, one that he didn't think he could fill.  Cas was gone, and he couldn't stop it.  Cas had saved him, but the things he said kept ringing through Dean's head.

"I love you.  Goodbye, Dean" 

Dean felt fresh tears begin to leak down his face as he remembered his angel's final words to him before the Empty engulfed him.  Those were the words he had waited so long to hear, the ones that he was too afraid to say.  But now it was too late, he could never say them back.  God, he wished he could just say them back.  He felt the dried handprint on his arm, almost in a trance, reminiscent of when Cas had first pulled him out of Hell.

"The one thing I want...is something I know I can't have.  But I know now that happiness isn't in the having.  It's in just being.  It's in just...saying it"

"He could've had it...he could've had it," Dean whispered to himself as he cried.

He snapped out of it when he heard movement in the bunker and Sam calling his name, followed by Jack searching as well.  Dean barely moved, not having the energy to respond.  Soon Sam peered into the room, only to see Dean alone.  Dean on the ground.  Dean broken.

"What happened?  I didn't know if you'd even be here after what happened to everyone else, why didn't you pick up the phone? And what about Cas-" he paused in realization, seeing the handprint on Dean's shoulder, "Oh, Dean, I'm so sorry-"

"I should've stopped him Sam.  I shouldn't have let him go, this is my fault-"

"Dean, what are you talking about? What happened?" Sam asked, incredulous, as Jack stood by the door, listening to the brothers' conversation.

"He died to save me, Sam.  Cas sacrificed himself for me.  He made a deal with the Empty to bring back Jack, that when he experienced a moment of true happiness, he would have to die.  He did it to stop Billie from killing me, but God he just-" Dean's voice cracked as more tears threatened to spill.  Sam looked confused, not sure how Cas could be happy enough at that moment for the Empty to come. 

Dean continued, "He thought he couldn't have the thing that made him happy.  It kept him safe, but he realized he just had to say it in order to be happy.  He told me...he told me he loved me Sam.  He told me, and I didn't even get to respond.  I- I let him die thinking I didn't feel the same way.  God, I've spent so many years trying to hide it, so many years fearing the part of me that could fall in love with a man, but now it's too late.  He thought I could never love him back and I never got to tell him he was wrong."

Dean was openly crying at this point, and Sam felt his heart sink for his brother.  He had always wondered if Cas had feelings for Dean, but this was so much more than that.  This was destroying Dean.  He looked back at Jack and they had a silent conversation, nodding to each other.  

"We're Winchester's Dean, no one is going to take the people we love most from us.  Cas, Eileen, all of the others.  We've overcome so much before, we can overcome this too."

"What do you mean?" Dean said, looking miserable.

"I mean we're going to get him back Dean.  Whatever it takes we will get Cas back.  We will get him back so you tell him Dean, you need this-- you need him."  Jack nodded to Sam's words, moving to comfort Dean before they faced this new challenge.

I just think this would be such a good way for Dean to reciprocate in the next episodes ahhh.  Hopefully over the next couple days I can start publishing the two other ideas I had based on this episode, I promise they're a bit happier than this one (hopefully the next episodes won't change my plans too much, I had a one-shot in the works based on the Coldplay song Green Eyes where Dean tells Cas how he feels and it makes Cas so happy the Empty comes, but I was finishing up the draft when 15x18 came out and I decided that it hit too close to home to do right now lol, but if you guys want to see it I might rework it in the future depending on how I feel)