Confessions of a Full-Figured Gal

Making Up is Hard to Do

Making up is hard to do...

Amid all the economic and societal turmoil surrounding us these days, let's pursue a totally frivolous topic:  Makeup.  With Halloween coming up, it's also a pleasant seasonal reference, because, as you will read below, some of us leave the house looking like we're going trick-or-treating.

 Actually, tough economic times bring an increased focus on personal appearance.  During the Depression, a leading manufacturer of men's razors ran an ad showing a stubble-faced man in a suit and hat heading out the door, his wife standing in the doorway looking anxious. The text read, “You won't get that job today if you're not looking your best.”  When we start seeing those ads again, we'll know we're in real trouble.

 A number of years ago, I read an article about a former model-turned-actress who was promoting a line of makeup.  The actress said that she based her makeup techniques on her knowledge of painting and art.  That really struck me.  I had taken a portrait drawing class, learning techniques to make a two-dimensional drawing come to life.  Obviously, those same techniques can work on the paint we apply to our faces.  I  began looking at makeup in a different way.

 For example, a bright, shiny color brings a feature forward, while a dark, matte shade makes a feature recede.  Hence, if you are going out as Morticia Adams this Halloween, you may apply dark shadowing under your eyes and cheekbones to appear skeletal.  (Too bad this doesn't work for everyday use).  A light color at the inner eye and dark at the outer eye makes eyes seem larger and wider.  Many women are familiar with highlighting the brow bone.  Please keep in mind that if you already have a prominent brow bone, or if you wear a very thin eyebrow, highlighting the bone may make you look like Frankenstein's monster.  Ditto with making your eyes look more wide-set if you already have wide-set eyes; you can  begin to look somewhat freakish.

 The problem of unflattering makeup starts with those magazines that contain nothing but beauty tips.  Obviously, lots of people (mostly women, you think?) buy and read these magazines, with their step-by-step instructions and little diagrams on how to apply eight different unnatural colors to the eyelid.  I confess, I've bought a few of those magazines in my day.  Did you ever notice that the multi-color eyelid never looks quite the same on you as it does on the incredibly beautiful, sixteen-year old, 98 pound model?

 Just listen to me.  Some colors do not belong around your eyes, except maybe for Mardi Gras. 

 Pinks and reds:  Make you look like you have a contagious eye disease.

Dark blues and purples:  Make you look like a victim of domestic violence.

Greens and yellows:  Make you look like you were left out of the refrigerator for too long.  It's nice to be spoiled, but not in the same sense that lunchmeat spoils.

Dark brown or black eyelids, aka the “smoky eye”:  Make you look like the Corpse Bride.  Despite all you may have read about the “smoky eye” over the last few years, who has ever seen this look successfully worn by a real human being, the kind you might see in person, close up?

 Trust me, when the beauty books call something an 'evening look', that means, “only wear it where the light level is low.”

 Those of you who are nit-picky will note that there aren't many colors left after you eliminate the list above.  I recommend that most of us should stay with colors that could reasonably be seen on the unbruised, unspoiled, live and healthy human body.  Taupe, for the light-skinned, and darker colors for those with darker skins, works well.  Before applying shiny or glittery eyeshadow, remember that shine draws a feature forward.  I saw a print ad just recently for a new line of eye makeup.  The model had her eyes closed, and was wearing a pretty metallic color from lashline to brow.  It was very shiny.  The model had what somewhat prominent eyes.  The shiny shadow made her look bug-eyed, like the victim of an overactive thyroid.  This is not the way to attract the attention of that good-looking doctor.  Well, maybe it is, but not the kind of attention that you want. “Hi, doc, what's your sign?”  “Scorpio. What's your thyroid hormone level?”

 Personally, I skip the eyeshadow.  I put a dot of the light powder that you might use to highlight your brow bone, just at the center of my lid at the lashline, and blend it outward a little.  In theory, this should draw attention to the iris and pupil of the eye.  No matter your wrinkles, gray hair and unsightly fat, the eye itself continues to be beautiful.  What's more, science has shown that we unconsciously monitor other's reactions to us by looking at the pupil of the eye, which expands to take in a pleasing sight (like George Clooney) and contracts in displeasure (Gilbert Gottfried).  If I were a character in one of those romance books - you know what I mean, the ones with Fabio on the cover - George would imagine himself falling into the bottomless pools of my expanding pupils... 

Ahem.  Getting back to my topic.  What was my topic again?  Oh, yes - choice of eye-makeup colors. Your browns, blues, greens, purple or black can always be worn in the form of eyeliner.  It's my personal opinion that full eyeliner doesn't really enhance anyone's appearance, but for some women, it's part of their personal style, sort of a signature look.  I know a woman who never goes anywhere without full Cleopatra-style cat-eye black liner.  I've never seen her without it, but I suspect it isn't making her look better.  Still, it's just 'her'.  However, most of the rest of us should probably continue doing what we are now, namely, not wearing full Cleopatra eyeliner.  Lining just the top, or just the bottom, or just the outer corners is fine.

 Beauty magazines talk about applying liner inside the lash line.  Ouch!  While you are lining, your tears are washing the rest of your makeup away!   If you are ever tempted to do this, remember that Stan Laurel (of Laurel and Hardy fame) lined the inside of his lids as part of his character makeup because it made him look small-eyed and stupid.  If anyone is going out as Stan Laurel this Halloween, call me.  I make a great Oliver Hardy, without any makeup.

 I've tried colored mascara.  Unless your lashes are blonde or, as mine are getting to be, white, the mascara will look black.  The only difference is that when the mascara flakes or smears, your dark circles will look green or blue or whatever color.  You might as well stick with black.  That way, other women will sympathize, “Oh, her mascara traveled,” not, “Oh, she hasn't slept in weeks,” or “Oh, the fridge at the morgue must be on the fritz.”

 Finally, a gift from me to you.  This is my own tip, one that I never read in a beauty magazine.  Put a layer of clear mascara over your black mascara.  Unless you planned on going out as a raccoon this Halloween, sweetie.