Confessions of a Full-Figured Gal

Ton of Fun

One Fifth of my way to a Ton of Fun

 One December a few years ago, between Thanksgiving and Christmas - the two holidays most notorious for gluttonous self-indulgence - Oprah Winfrey announced that she weighed 200 lbs and was deeply ashamed.

 Well, I weigh close enough to 200 pounds, and I'm not ashamed. In fact, I'd like to point out some of the advantages.

 You know how we women make somewhat disparaging remarks about our weight to other women, and other women (unless it's your sister) will make mildly reassuring comments in reply, like, “Oh, you look fine,” or,  “I'm twice your size on a good day.”  My comeback is, “Oh yeah? I weigh 200 pounds!!!”  That always gets an enthusiastic and sincere response, “WOW! You don't look it!”  Ha!  Try telling a woman that you weigh 115 and see what kind of response you get.  Not only will it not be reassuring, it may possibly be physically violent.

 I confess, I do lie about my weight.  I haven't quite hit 200 yet.  It's the one number I have a bit of a phobia about.  I was a skinny person until I turned forty, so if you care about your weight and you're approaching “that time of life”, be afraid, be very afraid.

 The lucky thing is, I was a very plain, flat-chested skinny girl, so when I first started porking up, a lot of things improved.  My face looked better.  Other parts of me looked better.  My butt actually looked smaller by comparison, as the rest of me filled out. I went from a size 8 (this was a real size 8, back in the day, not like the devalued sizes they put on clothes today to make us big girls feel good) to a 12, to a 14, still looking good and having lots of fun buying all new clothes every time I changed size.  Then I suddenly skipped up to an 18 and wound up looking plump, matronly, and full-figured, to use just a few euphemisms.  It took me a few years to get used to being buxom and get over being self-conscious about my chest entering the room several minutes before the rest of me.

Listen up, plain guys and girls!  You have so much to look forward to in middle age and beyond!  I know guys who, in high school, made Steve Urkel look like Denzel Washington, who are now handsome and distinguished looking men.  Plain young ladies, listen up:  I never have to lament the loss of my youth and beauty when I look in the mirror, and neither will you. 

 As a teenager I was protected from unwelcome male advances by looking, basically, like a boy with bad acne.  Even the boys who looked like Urkel weren't interested. As a young woman I was protected from advances, even welcome ones, by being plain, bony and shy.  Today I am protected from unwelcome advances because I am old, fat and havin' fun!  I can be as outrageous as I like and no one calls me a “cougar”, thank heavens.  As a skinny girl, I never wore flowered pants, but my philosophy today is, if you can't hide it, decorate it.  One day last summer I put on a pair of pants with a loud pattern, which I refer to as my “clown pants”, and asked my sister, “Do these make my rear end look big?”  “No bigger than it actually is.”  Boy, there's nothing like a sister to give it to you straight. But that's the best thing about being 200 pounds - you don't look any bigger than you actually are. So you needn't lose sleep over it.

Unlike many women, I don't keep my old “skinny clothes”.  I'm not expecting to slim down, barring some kind of serious illness, God forbid.  I've never dieted or tried to lose weight in my entire life, and I'm not about to start now, though that big number 200 on the scale might change my mind.  I've been holding steady at my current weight for five years now.  I weigh myself every few months when I take some member of my family to a doctor's office, and the number never goes up or down.  It stays right where it is with that nice “5” at the end standing between me and Jenny Craig.  Now, where's that leftover pan of fudge brownies?

 Mary Schwester lives in W------   and spends her spare time browsing the bakery section at ShopRite.