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—
"WHAT?" jihoon exclaimed. i told them about the status of jun. i couldn't keep it away from his best friends, even if it was for one day. i couldn't, that's too cruel.
at this point, mingyu was sobbing while wonwoo comforted him and jihoon was breaking down, both mentally and emotionally. soonyoung tried his best to calm his boyfriend down, but it was no use. jihoon was way too anxious and concerned about his best friend. i would, too, but i wasn't close enough to jun as jihoon or mingyu are.
after the dreadful day in the hospital, i went back home, sighing with the weight of everything on my shoulders. chan, my roommate, looked over at me in his seat on the dining table. his two friends, dokyeom and seungkwan were seated there as well.
"myungho hyung! how was it today?" he asked with a bright smile on his face. i cringed at the sight of chan smiling. it's not that i don't want chan to be happy and smiling, it's just i can't seem to find a reason to be happy anymore.
chan must have noticed my unusually down demeanour, "what's wrong, hyung? i can ask kyeom and kwan to leave if you wanna."
i shook my head gently and smiled softly, "you know the patient i'm looking after that had a month left?" the three heads nodded, "yeah, well, he has twenty days left as of today."
chan let out a surprised gasp and quickly went over to engulf me in a bone-crushing hug, which i returned thankfully, "oh my god, i'm so sorry, hyung." he pulled away and looked at my face to look for any signs of sadness, "are you alright?"
i chuckled lightly, "why wouldn't i be? i just... i just can't believe he's going to be gone in two and a half weeks, you know?"
out of the corner of my eyes, i saw dokyeom nodding, "hey, myungho hyung, if it makes you feel any better, i feel you. my grandpa was diagnosed with stage iv lung cancer and by the time he was diagnosed, he only had seventeen days left. that was so, so heartbreaking." dokyeom smiled softly with tears brimming his beautiful eyes.
i smiled at him as seungkwan went over the table to hug his best friend tightly, "thank you, dokyeom. and i'm so sorry for your loss."
dokyeom shook his head, using his palms to wipe his tears away, "it's fine, hyung. that was five years ago, anyways."
in the end, all four of us ended up on the floor, hugging each other tightly. even though seungkwan and dokyeom aren't as close to me as they are to chan, we still relied on each other when we needed emotional support. if one of us needed emotional support, we'd all support each other. we all leaned on each other as if our lives depended on it. and that's why i was so glad i roomed with chan because i gained two great friends from chan.
and needless to say, chan always managed to make me smile or chuckle whenever i'm sad. and i'm so thankful for him for doing that. chan just seems to be happy so effortlessly. how does one do that? just smile like nothing in the world stresses them out or made them anxious. just laugh as if it's the last thing they'd ever do on earth.
and yet, i'll never be like that. i was never like that, i could never just smile and pretend my entire life was terrific. i'm not saying that everyone with a smile constantly on their face had a marvellous life, i'm just saying i just couldn't pretend. and i knew i could never be like that after jun. after meeting jun, i just knew i couldn't smile like i used to anymore. i couldn't smile without thinking that jun, someone with stage iv lung cancer and has twenty days to live, is always beaming and trying to be optimistic despite knowing he doesn't have long to live.
i couldn't smile knowing jun is smiling through his pain and sorrow.
—
"hey, hao." i was greeted by jun as soon as i stepped into the hospital room. i cringed and looked up at the boy. he's been transferred back to his original room since he doesn't have a high temperature anymore. that boy heals fast.
"h-hey did doctor choi—"
"tell me that i have twenty days left to live? yup." jun smiled. jun smiled. how the fuck is wen junhui still smiling knowing he has twenty days to live? "it's fine, minghao."
i don't know what came over me. i smiled softly as i felt tears streaming my cheeks, "how the fuck are you still smiling, you idiot?"
jun chuckled, "says you who's crying, idiot." he imitated how i sound as i laughed, even more tears streaming down my cheeks.
"you. fucking. idiot!" i yelled. i'm glad that mingyu and jihoon are out for their daily chemotherapy, or else they would definitely be here laughing at my ugly crying — wonwoo and soonyoung included. "how are you still smiling so beautifully? when you're about to die in two and a half weeks?!"
"did you call my smile beautiful?" jun smiled cockily. i chuckled, more tears streaming down, "focus on the fucking point!"
jun shrugged, "it's just me, hao. you can't change me, now, can you?"
i shook my head, "but how are you not hopeless? or sad? or just not happy at all? how? how, wen junhui, how ?"
jun chuckled, shrugging again, "i guess i was just let down so much i don't hope for much but smiling for the day only. i just want to be happy for one day, so even if this was my last day, i knew i'd be happy. i knew i'd be smiling even on my last day. doctors, nurses, wonwoo, soonyoung, mingyu, jihoon and you would remember that wen junhui was smiling even on his last day. now, isn't that a good memory?"
i wanted to just burst into an emotional breakdown right in front of him. i should think like him more. i love the way he thinks. i smiled as i wiped my eyes with my palm, "you know what? you're right. i'm sorry, i'm overreacting—"
"no. minghao, you're not overreacting. don't worry. hey, come here." jun opened his arms and motioned me to go into his embrace. i chuckled and went over to the other side of his side and hugged him.
jun hugged me back tightly, slightly squeezing me before relaxing his arms and just lazily hanging his arms around my torso. i smiled softly, "thank you."
jun looked down at me, cocking his head to the side, "for what?'
"for changing the way i think."
—
if you're a reader of mine during 'seeking for you', you'd know i went to edinburgh to study overseas. but guys, i'm back home! i'm waiting for the results and i can't wait to go home :(
