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I woke up in the middle of the night, my phone ringing on my bedside table. i rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and lifted my phone to see who was calling. i immediately sat up when i saw it was seungcheol. i quickly accepted the call.
"y-yes, doctor choi?" i asked into the phone.
"oh god, myungho ssi. hi. i know it is not nice and professional of me to call you at" — a pause — "2:08 am. i'm so sorry, but it's jun. he's being unstable. i-i think we're wrong again."
i could hear the stress seungcheol was going through, but i just tuned out the rest of seungcheol's words as i got my clothes on and car keys on the kitchen counter. i quickly wrote a note to chan in case i don't come back before dawn. i switched my phone to be in between my left cheek and left shoulder, "yes, doctor choi. so what you're saying is that i should come at once?"
seungcheol stopped to catch his breath. "yes. yes, that's what i'm saying. quickly."
i confirmed to him that i will and with that, i hung up and ran out of my apartment. i gripped tightly to my phone and car keys as i felt tears pricking my eyes. no, jun, hang in there.
i pressed the lift button about ten times in frustration. i couldn't stop the tears. no, fuck, stop fucking crying! i told myself, but the tears wouldn't stop. i suddenly felt my legs give out and i almost fell, but the lift's 'ding' brought me back to reality, preventing me from dropping to the carpet in the hallway.
i entered the lift and bounced my leg, simply just impatient and annoyed at how the lift is going so slow. the lift music was annoying me as well — why is everything annoying me? i wiped my tears away aggressively every time they threatened to fall out of my eyes.
"pull yourself fucking together, xu minghao. it's not the end of the world," i muttered at myself, angry at myself for being so emotionally unstable.
but it is the end of the world. i mean, it does count as the end of the world when my world is dying, right? what am i supposed to do when jun is gone? am i supposed to move on? or to continue loving him until the day i die as well? am i supposed to just get over him like every other person that left my life?
but he didn't exactly walk out of my life. he was taken out of my life. and there's a difference between those two statements. jun didn't have a choice whether or not to be involved with me anymore. he was taken unwillingly.
"for fuck's sake!" i yelled in defeat. why the hell does it have to be jun? why the hell does it have to be us that's suffering and not someone else on the goddamn planet? why the hell is the lift taking so damn long?
the lift door opened a few seconds later, and i ran towards my car. i unlocked my car from about a few meters away from my car, and i hopped in instantly. i don't even care if i'm sleep deprived (the police probably will, but fuck them) and turned on the car engine.
—
i rushed into the hospital the second i got there, ignoring the shouts that told me not to run in the hospital. for fuck's sake, i wanted to shout, my fucking boyfriend is dying! give me a goddamn break!
i reached jun's floor and counted the rooms. i muttered the numbers under my breath, trying to find a way, any way, to calm myself down, to calm my nerves down. he's going to be fine. i tried telling myself.
except i know that he won't be.
i finally reached jun's room and saw jihoon and mingyu sitting outside. i frowned, "what are you two doing out of your rooms?"
the two friends looked up at me, and i instantly regretted asking the question. jihoon looked like he hasn't slept in ages and mingyu's eyes were blood-shot. i sighed and sat down next to jihoon, placing my face in my palms, "i'm so sorry."
jihoon sighed and placed a hand on my back, "no worries. jeonghan ssi came to tell us about jun and seungcheol ssi allowed us to come to check him up. he—"
"myungho ssi! you're here." came jeonghan's voice. i looked up from where my head was buried and saw jeonghan's face. but jeonghan's face wasn't filled with the colours that used to cover his face, putting beautiful details on his angelic features. i could tell he's breaking, just like everyone else.
seungcheol came after jeonghan and wrapped an arm around jeonghan's shoulder, "myungho ssi, i'm glad you made it. he's in operation with surgeon chwe and surgeon hong right now. but the chances of him getting out of it alive is slim, like, really slim."
i nodded, knowing that jun didn't have many days left anyway. i suddenly recalled a conversation jun and i had about two weeks ago. god, it's only been two weeks since i first met jun? and they say love at first sight never happens.
"was he smiling?" i asked, my voice soft as a fly. it was as if my frail voice would cut through the silence as a knife would to an apple: swiftly and unexpected.
"i'm sorry?" asked jeonghan, and i knew from his tone he's not mocking me. he's genuinely asking me to repeat what i said, so i did.
jeonghan and seungcheol thought hard to go back to that moment when jun was sent to the surgery room, which, according to them, was two and a half hours ago. seungcheol lifted his head from thinking and nodded, "yeah, why?"
i felt tears prick my eyes again and this time, i let them fall freely. i didn't reach a hand up to stop them from flowing, nor did anyone tell me i'm crying. he fulfilled his wish. he made his wish come true.
"he said he wanted everyone to remember that wen junhui was smiling even on the last day of his life," i said. and i couldn't stop the tears anymore. i just burst into tears and jihoon wrapped his arms around me.
one by one, they all hugged me and jeonghan muttered some comfort words into my ear. i sniffed and choked and cried harder. fucking wen junhui. you got your wish, are you happy now?
are you happy now that you're away from this wretched world? are you happy that you aren't suffering anymore? are you happy that you don't have to smile through the pain every day anymore? are you sad that i'm not by your side?
two hours later, surgeon chwe and surgeon hong went out of the emergency surgery room. the emergency light switched off and i could already tell what happened.
fuck you, wen junhui.
"he didn't make it." surgeon hong said. jihoon and mingyu sobbed; jeonghan cried and seungcheol comforted him; i just stood there. i smiled softly as new tears replaced the dry ones. he's gone. wen junhui is gone from this world.
i smiled through the tears and sat myself down on one of the chairs, distancing myself from the others, who were comforting each other. i didn't want comforting. and i know i shouldn't be complaining because, well, what use does complaining do when the fucking love of your life is dead?
"it's going to be fine," i said to myself, trying to support myself mentally, "jun's at a better place now."
i looked up at the ceiling as if i could see the heavens there. i smiled, "you are, aren't you?"
