2.0 The Chronicles of Us - Shame & Blame

Chapter six

•★ Tex ★•

The last two weeks were dreadful. I had to spend Christmas and New Year's Eve in fucking rehab. I've never felt more pathetic in my life. I was absolutely ready to blow my brains out when we had to come up with something to look forward to this year. I said nothing. I already knew this is gonna be one bleak fucking year.

The cherry on top of that shit-layered cake was the outrageous Christmas tree. I had a really hard time not trying to picture spending the holidays with Ellie. She would've forced me to buy a tree and hang up decorations and I would've enjoyed pretending to hate it.

Stop thinking about her.

I suppose the one-on-one talks with Dr. Martinez weren't that bad. Although difficult at first, it became easier and easier to open up. Group therapy remained a struggle, but I managed to contribute and not be an asshole all the time. Maybe it even helped me a little.

Maybe.

Time to go home. I pack my bags and take one last look at the painting on the wall. I might even gonna miss these glorious hillsides. I shake my head at my own thoughts. I'm definitely not gonna miss these god-awful paintings.

With my bags in hand, I make my way to the lobby to check myself out. Dr. Martinez and Roy are already talking to each other when I get outside.

"Thank you for everything," Roy says to my shrink. In return, she gives him a warm smile and a handshake before she turns to me.

"Here is my card." She hands me a small off white-colored card with her name and phone number on it. "If you ever need to talk, you can call me. Night or day."

I roll my eyes but stick the card in my wallet. "Thanks Doc."

I can't deny that she helped me organize the mess in my head, but I'm pretty sure I won't need her help ever again. These last weeks I've talked more than I thought I would in a lifetime. It should be enough.

Roy and I leave shortly after. The woman at the lobby gave me my phone back and it has been burning a hole in my pocket ever since. With a few simple taps on the screen I could hear Ellie's voice.

Call her?

Dr. Martinez said I shouldn't fill in the blanks myself. My head, on the other hand, says that we're done. She is done. Besides, I'm not calling her with Roy sitting next to me, so I silently observe the blur of buildings we're passing. When we get closer to my apartment, I feel bricks in my gut. I haven't been here in weeks and I don't know what I will find. Not Ellie, that's for sure.

"Do you want me to go up with you?"

Roy breaks the silence and startles me. He can't come up. If I have a complete breakdown, I'd rather be alone. However, I don't want him to know that I'm rattled, so I keep a straight face. "No, that's all right. I'll be fine."

Yeah, a fine fucking train wreck.

He looks at me as if he's trying to decide whether I'm lying or not and then shrugs. Despite our bond, he knows I'm not his son. He has no legal or biological right to involve himself in my life more than I let him. "Call me tomorrow, okay?"

"Will do." I leave the car and grab my bags from the truck. With a knot in my stomach, I watch the black SUV leave the street. I take the stairs toward my apartment and swallow. There is no need to be anxious. This is my apartment. I fucking live here. I open the door and pass the threshold.