2.0 The Chronicles of Us - Shame & Blame

Chapter eight

•★ Tex ★•

A week has gone by with me sleeping on the couch. I entered the bedroom once to grab a stack of clothes but after that, I haven't been back. Haven't wanked either. I wouldn't say I haven't missed a day since I was about thirteen, but I sure as hell have never gone without a week of wanking, let alone two months. Even through my darkest times, I slapped the salami regularly. Mostly just for stress relief.

This time, it's because I'm apprehensive of my own imagination. Well, memories is more like it. Fuck forbid I'm gonna cry through a wank and then never be able to orgasm again. Nah, I'm just waiting for the heartache to pass before giving my dick a couple chokes and strokes.

I'm gonna die a sad celibate fucker.

Anyway, I found that taking long, long rides on my motorbike helps with keeping myself in check and off the booze. Though the ache in my chest hasn't lessened, I managed to keep myself from going down that slippery road of substance abuse. I haven't tried to talk to Ellie yet. I was close a couple of times, but something holds me back. Is it the fear of fucking up her life or am I just a bitch-ass pussy who's afraid of the likely rejection?

The latter, for sure.

Axel pokes me in the ribs with his elbow. "You okay?"

Lost in thought, once again.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Of course, I'm not fucking fine. What does he want me to say, though? I'm not about to play therapist-client with Axel.

We silently watch Joey hit the drums like a mad man in the recording studio. I did manage to write some music while I was in rehab, it was the least I could do for the band. They already had to reschedule some shows because of my little accident. Apparently, near death and heartbreak are fantastic ingredients for writing lyrics. Such a nice silver fucking lining.

"Did you speak to Ellie yet?"

My heart does some strange jumps before plummeting. When will I stop reacting this way over the sound of her name? Soon, I hope. They've all been walking on eggshells around me and it's starting to piss me off. I'm not that fragile.

"No, and I don't know if I will."

Axel frowns as if he's confused. "Why not?"

That makes two of us.

With a roll of my eyes, I turn to Joey again. "She flew the fucking coop. Pretty clear message, don't you think?"

He doesn't answer right away and for some reason I want to hear his answer, so I face him again. "Maybe, or maybe not."

Is he really going to make me drag it out of him? "Spit it out."

He taps his fingers on the table in front us while thinking about it. "Well, it just doesn't sound like Ellie. I don't believe she left you because she doesn't want to be with you. It must be something else."

Uhg.

He sounds just like Dr. Martinez. "So, you think I should talk to her?"

He rolls his eyes at me like I said the most obvious thing. "Yeah, that's what people who love each other do. They talk things over." He pauses for a second. "You do love her, right?"

There is no reason to deny it any longer. "You know I do."

He laughs and shakes his head. "I probably knew before you knew yourself."

He's right, of course, which makes me feel like an even bigger idiot. Two people have told me I should talk to Ellie. One of them being a certified shrink and the other, one of my best friends.