I'll Be Seeing You

Mum I'm afraid

We head to the shops everyone is trying to carry on as normal but its so noticeable the lack of young men around not like it used to be not Just Jimmy but his brother gone too most of the lads around here, Jimmy's Dad hadn't passed the fitness test which I was secretly pleased about it was hard enough having Jimmy away. We head into Mrs Partridges shop "Good morning Clemmie how are you petal" Mum says to her "Wish this bloody cold would do one its parky out there this morning" she says "Phoebe love how are you, look at you glowing already" she says walking over to me "A little baby hey" she says hugging me Yeah I know" I say "What a looker he'll be hey" she says "He" I say and she just smiles. "Clemmie we are looking for wool darling our Phoebe wants to make Jimmy some socks poor lad is freezing down there in Portsmouth" Mum tells her "Oh I've got summit perfect for you love" she says "Try this one" she says handing me some its dark blue and so thick "That ll keep the boy warm darling" she says "Thank you Mrs Partridge" I say to her as I go to get my purse "Put that away" she says to me "No really please I want to" I say "Hush now pet will you its for Jimmy go on" she says "Thank you so much" I say to her.

"Come on lovey your Mam needs a few more bits take care Clemmie keep the cold out gel" Mum says to her "Lovely to see you both, look after yourself and that little un Phoebe love" she says "Will do see ya" I say Mum does her few other bits and bobs around town she needed to "How about tea and cake hey your old Mam will pay" she says "OK" I say I have barely let go of Mum the whole time we've been out, I'm not sure why its as though I'm afraid of being alone, I still feel nervous without Jimmy being around I guess and nervous about the baby I really don't know what I'm doing. We pop into the little tea shop around the corner from the pub, me and Jimmy used to come here all the time. I get a warm feeling remembering all that time ago.

One Year Ago

"Phoeb's where have you been darling I was getting worried" Jimmy says waiting for me round the back of the pub "Hes on one of his bloody rants ain't he bloody man he makes me so cross sometimes well most of the time come to think if it" I say putting my hat straight "I'm sorry sweetie" I say to him as hes popping his hands together blowing into them. Put your gloves on gel its taters out here" he says to me "Where we going Jimmy" I ask him "I is taking madame out for tea and cake" he says "Really, proper tea and cake" I say to him "Yeah Dad gave me a few shilling for pushing a car cross town that had conked out so I thought Id spend it on my girl" he says ever the sweetheart "Oh Jimmy but that's your money" I say "Hey now you listen here what did we say we was gonna do hey we are saving up for our own place and then we will get wed yeah, so my money is your money and if I wanna spoil you Phoebe O'Connell then I will do you hear me lass" he says that with that cheeky face of his "Fair enough" I say to him and he looks around to see if anyone is watching before pulling me into a shop door way out of sight and kissing me taking my breath away. "Feeling warmer now gel" he says and I just laugh "Come on" he says as we head for the tea shop. "Hello Jimmy lad nice to see ya" Mrs Clements says as we walk in "Oh hello Phoebe you are looking very pretty today" she says to me "Hi Mrs Clements can we have a table please" Jimmy asks "For you my handsome boy anything" she says pinching Jimmy's cheeks "Where would you like to sit" she asks "How about you go in the corner over there" she says and we go to sit down. Jimmy takes my coat before removing his coat scarf and flat cap he looks so sweet in his flat cap though like a little boy. "So what do you fancy then gel" he asks me "I don't know what do you fancy" I ask back "Only you Phoebs" he says making me go all red and hot "Give us ure hand" he says putting his hand under the table so I put my under there too he lets out a big sigh when he grabs it giving me goose bumps "Here you are you two some tea for you have you decided what you would like" Mrs Clements says coming a tray I go to take my hand away but Jimmy holds it there making me feel naughty but deep down I was happy to keep it there, I did wish deep down sometimes that we could just show the world that we were together and that we were in love it shouldn't be something that we should have to hide. "Could I have a slice of Victoria sponge please" I ask "Do you know what that sounds champion ill have the same please Mrs C" he says he is funny and I love him with all my heart.

"Phoebe, Phoebe love" Mum shouts me "Sorry what" I say snapping out of myself "Mrs Clements wants to know what you would like lovey" she says "Victoria sponge please" I say "Coming up petal your Jimmy's favourite that" she says "Darling are you alright you're not feeling poorly are you because I can get Doctor Mumford to come and see you" she says "No Mum I'm fine really" I say "Then what is it lovey you look like you've got the weight of the world on your shoulders" she says "Come on Phoebe tell your old mam" she says to me "I'm just missing Jimmy Mum that's all" I tell her "I know darling and I know it must be hard because you two are so close not like me and your Dad, I'm just so glad you found him lovey because I know he will take care of you, you and that little un" and I start to cry again "Oh my sweet girl what is it" she asks me "Mum I'm afraid" I sob "Afraid of what lovey" she asks "All of it Jimmy fighting, the war, having the baby everything I'm so scared" I tell her and she comes and moves closer to me in her chair "Come here lovey, come on it's alright I know its hard and yes it is scary I was afraid when I was carrying you darling but at the same time I couldn't wait ti have you in my arms I really couldn't" she tells me "Will it hurt Mum" I ask her and she wipes my face "Yes lovey it will hurt I'm not going to lie to you" she says making me cry all the more "But I will be there with you I wont leave you darling and Jimmy's Mam too if you like we will all be there for you so you don't have to be afraid it will be so worth it in the end you'll have Jimmy's baby you will be a little family as you should be" she says "Now no more fretting gel alright Jimmy wouldn't want you fretting would he hey" she says and I smile as no he wouldn't.

I spend most of the afternoon by the fire at home knitting Jimmy's socks for him with such care I want them to last him.I keep looking up and glancing at his photograph and it makes me feel warm inside I'm almost done with his parcel and by night ive put it all together his socks, some little bits of food for him a new scarf that I bought him while we were out today all boxed up ready now I just need to put the letter I've done for him in with it. I sit and read it once more to check I've said it all OK

My Dearest darling Jimmy

Thank you for your sweet letter that you sent me, you look so handsome in your photograph that is now taking pride and place on the mantle piece next to our wedding picture so I look at you every time I come in the room which pleases me greatly but its nothing compared to having you here feeling safe in your arms, I miss you so much my darling it's so very hard and seems so very cruel that our first weeks and months as husband and wife should be spent apart. I've done you up a little parcel with a few bits in I've knitted you some socks because I didn't like to think of you feeling cold and Ive sent you a new scarf hope it does the job OK. I'm glad to hear you've made some friends and that things are good just keep yourself safe Jimmy please so you can come home to me that's all I ask of all the world right now. Im going to put my knitting to some more use soon and start making things for the baby and yes I am taking care of myself I promise you and Doctor Mumford says everything is fine. It still feels very strange to think of our child growing inside me and yes I get nerves sometimes but I know that at the end to have our little family will be the biggest reward for it all. I have to pack up the parcel now as its late and I want  to take it to the post office first thing my darling so please forgive me.

Think of me as I think of you my sweet husband and write again soon

Your loving wife Phoebe

xxxxx

I'm tired so close up the parcel and head up that wooden hill to Bedfodshire as Jimmy always says I fall asleep with just the vision of his face in my mind making me feel safe.