the moonlit side of reality (a poetry collection)

18. coming out

January 29, 2020

no straight person

will ever know the absolute, blinding

terror of coming out.

heart pounding.

hands sweating.

your whole body shaking

as it tries to get the words out

but finds that it can't.

because no one knows what you're about to say.

not one.

single.

person.

no one suspects you're not straight.

but you're about to tell them otherwise.

you come out to your friends first

because you can.

they're staring at you, wondering what you have to say.

every second spent in silence

feels like an eternity.

they can probably see droplets of sweat

sliding down your face.

they probably know something's up.

but they are not prepared

for what you're going to say.

they start to get bored.

start to go back to their conversation.

you interrupt them.

"wait," you say.

they turn back to you.

and when you come out,

for the first time ever,

your brain is screaming at you

and every noise is amplified by a thousand

and your voice is shaking

so you sound like you're crying

or laughing

but you're not.

you're just terrified.

silence follows.

your friends blink

seemingly in slow motion.

and now you do feel like crying.

what if they hate you?

but then slowly they smile.

congratulate you.

and drift back to their normal conversation

and treat you no differently

and that's the best thing you could possibly ask for.

then,

you come out to your family

during an awkward dinner.

this time, you feel like you're dying.

because this is your family.

what if they disown you

or hate you

or want you to change

or never speak to you again?

what if?

your hands are shaking

as you eat your food.

on another day,

it would be good food.

but today,

it's tasteless.

maybe even bad.

you'll never want to eat this food again

for the rest of your life.

you put your fork down.

your family stares at you.

and you force the words out of your mouth,

through your closed up throat

that wants to keep the words in.

but it's okay.

your little brother had no idea

people could like other people of the same gender,

but he accepts you.

your parents say "cool" and they accept you too.

no straight person

will ever know the absolute, blinding

terror of coming out.

heart pounding.

hands sweating.

your whole body shaking

as it tries to get the words out

and finds that it can.