Red String (A Ruki Story, the GazettE)

The Undoing (Chapter 4)

She moaned his name, trembling, "Taka" with her lips pressed to his lips and then she went silent and stiff. He searched for her face and saw that she had decided to stop. He took his finger out of her, then Thora pulled herself away and murmured, mostly to herself, "No. We gotta stop. You have a girlfriend. This is wrong. This is bad timing."

Ruki took her face in his hands and studied it. Then looked into her eyes which made her avoid his gaze but she did not try to get away from him. Pain, anger, loneliness and love. She had so many things passing through her face and eyes. The anger in her was the part that surprised him as she did not seem to be angry at him. She should have been. Though he did not think Hikaru as his girlfriend, he was still seeing her time to time and here he was making Thora an accessory to his cheating. She was right. He got angry with himself and disgusted. He was ready to do the thing he despised so much. He had been cheated and he knew how it scarred him. Even now, after all these years, he was still afraid to fully open up. 

However, he felt that for Thora, he could just not hide from. He could try but every time she stared at him, he felt naked, guardless, an open book. She could see him. He wanted to close, he wanted to be unseen and in darkness, forgotten but her... Now she had found him, she would never lose him. She was holding the strongest flashlight and could see under his skin no matter how dark and far away he was. "Do you see me hating myself? Why don't you hate me? Look at what I am dragging you in. You do not need myself pitty." he thought.

Thora protested again, "This is wrong.". "I am sorry", he murmured. He was afraid she would get up and leave and he so wanted to keep her there, in his arms, sitting on his lap. "I am wrong", he thought. He knew he was wrong. He has been wrong for a while now. He started seeing Hikaru, if that is what you would call seeing, six months ago. She was nice, always there when he needed but the problem was that. He only called her when he needed some of his needs fulfilled. Not because he loved her or liked her. She was pretty but his heart never stopped for her. They continued because she had accepted things as they were and so he kept taking advantage of her. 

Ruki: She is not my girlfriend by the way, not really. We are not really a thing. I am seeing her but it is not a thing. I should have ended it, to be honest.

Thora: Why?

Ruki: You will think I am a horrible person. Especially sitting like this with you.

Thora: You are not a horrible person and I am sure I can raise you one.

It sounded like her mood had lightened again now that they stopped.

Ruki raised his eyebrow, "I don't think this should be a competition.".

Thora: No, you are right. But, I promise I will not think you are horrible. Even if I think that, I am sure I am worse. So, why?

Ruki looked at her and stroke her inner thigh and sighed, "I think I am mostly seeing her because I did not want to be alone. Not because I was in love with her or anything. I feel like I am using her and it is a horrible thing and not fair for her. I- I just did not want to be alone anymore."

Thora brushed his hand off her thigh and looked at him as if she was saying "go on".

Ruki: I...So we are not really dating. I would not call it dating and I know she knows this too but still allows it and I know it breaks her heart. I only call her when I need someone when I do not want to eat alone or ...

Thora: ... be alone in bed.

He nodded.

Ruki: Still, does not mean I should be doing this with you. I am sorry.

Thora put her nose on Ruki's nose.

Thora: I should not have enabled you either. I was the one to kiss you first. I am sorry.  It... This is horrible timing. For both of us.