My Year with Grandma

Lost in the Blackness

"Are you sure this was a good idea, Mom? I mean, do you even know how long she's been using?"

"I have a bit of an idea." Gram looked at her son with tired eyes. "This is my only granddaughter, Jimmy. I don't have a choice, I have to try."

"I just remember how hard it was for you when Jeremy was in her place."

"We got him through it, didn't we? Together."

"It's not gonna be fun."

"Oh, the fun hasn't even begun yet. Just wait until the sun sets."

**

I was finally left alone to wallow in self pity around 9pm. Come to find out they had burned the stuff I came with as well as the clothes I was wearing before the shower. They gave me a set of flannel pajamas to put on and honestly, I'd rather be naked in the middle of a snowstorm than wear these stupid bunny print pjs. I'll admit dinner tasted pretty decent considering I had no idea what it was. Gram said it was chicken catcha-something but to me it looked a little like chunky tomato barf. But since I hadn't eaten since I left Mom's house, and Gram gave me a frightening stare down, I ate. Now I'm lying on a tiny, rickety, squeaky metal framed twin bed, with only a rag quilt to cover me and it's colder than it should be for this time of year. Probably because that witch had my head shaved! Stupid woman. Okay, so I told Mom I was going to shave it off just to make her mad, but that's so not the same thing. And why can't I have colored hair when little miss "this is my house" chick can sport a rainbow of dreads?

Plus, she got rid of my stash. I'm not an addict, but I like a little hit now and then. You know, to take the edge off. Now I'm stuck in the middle of God knows where with giants, witches, and hippies without any of my coping candy. And I'm still pissed about my jewelry. This year was going to be hell. A very cold hell. Why is it so cold? I got up and went to the window to make sure it was closed only to find there was no window, just bars. I don't remember noticing bars when I was led to this room. Oh my god, Gram was right. This is a prison. I ran to the door and found it locked. I started pounding on it, screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to let me out. The sun had set while I was having my mini melt down which freaked me out even more. I couldn't find a light switch. The darker it got the harder it got to breathe. I tried to force myself to calm down, convinced this was just a panic attack. If only that dog hadn't found my stash, I could be so chill right now. But no, that frikkin devil dog had to destroy my stuff while that gargantuwoman stood by grinning. I hate that woman. I hate that smug supposed grandmother of mine and her arrogant 'holier than thou' attitude. I hated the dude, Tuna that shaved my head. What the frick kind of name is Tuna, anyway? I hated this house. I hate how it's so cold in here. There has got to be a way out of here!!

Stars! I could find my way out of here by following stars! People do it on TV all the time. I could get outside somehow and follow the Northern Star. I ran to the window, tripping over the end of the bed in the dark along the way. I'm pretty sure I broke my toe as pain radiated up my leg and it nearly dropped me as I hit. I ignored pain and made it to the window with my new found hope. I stared out the window towards the sky but saw only blackness. Not one star in sight. I didn't even see a hint of the moon. Just black. Black outside, black inside. I felt the panic rise again, wrapping itself around my midsection so I couldn't move. I tried with all my might to fight against it, but with each strained effort it tightened its hold.

Suddenly the icy air of the sky at thirty thousand feet hit my face like glass shards. The wind was so strong I couldn't open my eyes. I could here May's voice trying to get me to take her hand so she could help me open my chute, but I couldn't find her. I couldn't see her. I was just falling faster and faster. I can't breathe right, I can't. I felt a strong hand on my arm and I latched on for dear life. "I don't wanna die," I cried into my savior's arm. "Help me, please. I don't wanna die." My tears burned against my cheeks. Light flooded my awareness, so I opened my eyes hoping to see that was in my room back at Mom's house. Of course I wasn't. I was standing in the middle of a dense forest. The same forest May had dropped me off in. I look up to see nothing but tree branches woven together tight enough to block the sky from view. And it was hot. Sweat rolled off my brow and honestly, I don't know which drops were sweat and which were tears because at this point I couldn't stop crying. And just like I thought this nightmare would do, that stupid skunk showed back up. This time I didn't run. I froze like deer in front of a moving car and let it come. It stopped at my feet and reared up on my leg, reaching as far as its little legs would let it. I just cried, unable to move, panic still wrapped around my midsection. I squeezed my eyes shut.

Eyes closed, sweat dripping from my face, my heart threatening to burst out of my chest. "It'll be okay. I'll go slow." Wait! That's not May's voice. Or Gram's and I'm sure it's not the skunk. "I know you want to." Want what?

Wait, is this...? I opened my eyes and found myself pinned beneath Jude in the backseat of his car. What the... "No! I don't want to." The odor of vodka permeated my nostrils. "Please, Jude. Don't do this." He engulfed my mouth with his, shutting me up. I tried to fight but he was just to strong. Oh my god, He's forcing me!! "Gram!! Help me. Please. May?"

"I'm here, baby. I'm here." Her voice broke through the vodka. I could feel her breath against my temple. My body trembled uncontrollably in fear and panic. "Let it go. The worst is almost over."

"You don't know what he's doing to me!" I protested. "He won't let me go!" I bit his lip to get him stop kissing me. I could feel the blood on my lip before he saw it. I saw the fury in his eyes and braced for the slap that I knew was coming, but it didn't come. The weight of his body was gone. The vodka was gone. The blackness was back, swallowing me up in suffocation. I was tempted to freak out some more but I was just so relieved Jude was gone that I actually relaxed a little. I could feel my heart begin to slow its pace and I was no longer cold or hot. I felt nothing. I saw nothing. I remembered nothing. I let the blackness swallow me up. If this is what death feels like, so be it.

**

May took a damp rag and wiped the excess perspiration from Melissa's forehead. "That was pretty awful, Gram."

"This was just round one. She still has a way to go."

"Looks like it's gonna be a long night."

"More like a long couple of weeks."

"She's going to be like this for a couple of weeks?"

"In and out, yes. The worst will be over by morning, though. Might as well get some tea brewing us and some fresh onions cut for her feet."

"Yes ma'am." May said as she aimed for the door.

"Oh, and Maybe?"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"You know I appreciate you, don't you?" Gram smiled as she rocked a sleeping Melissa in her embrace.

May smiled back at the woman. "Yes, ma'am. I love you too."

"I think it's time to call Jams."

"Will do."